If parenting is hard, and co-parenting is even harder, co-parenting with a narcissist may seem downright impossible.

Of course, you want the best for your children. You want them to feel supported and loved. However, dealing with a narcissistic parent often adds enormous complications.

Believe it or not, balance is possible. You can learn how to set boundaries, avoid manipulation, and serve as a healthy role model for your children. Let’s learn how to co-parent with a narcissist without losing your mind.

Can You Co-Parent With a Narcissist?

In many cases, you won’t have a choice. It’s your legal responsibility to share parenting duties with your child’s mother or father.

You’ll need to work together to raise your children unless outside circumstances arise.

Seek as much support as you can. Lean on family and friends, and consider joining a support group.

There’s no such thing as too much help right now. You deserve to feel valued and understood for your struggles.

How to Survive Co-Parenting with a Narcissist?

It may feel more comfortable to stoop to their level, but acting immaturely doesn’t accomplish anything.

Instead, it tends to only make things worse for everyone involved. Here are some better ways to handle this dynamic and help you co-parent with a narcissist.

1. Recognize Their Behavior and Boundaries

The first step to successfully co-parenting with a narcissist is to recognize that the narcissist will not change his or her behavior easily. True narcissism is a personality disorder; it’s not a choice or a matter of willpower.

Related : How Do Narcissists Treat Their Friends? Spoiler, Not Good!

You need to understand how narcissism works and why narcissists behave the way they do.

It’s no secret that narcissists have inflated egos and a grandiose sense of self-worth.

Likewise, they have no regard for the feelings of others and tend to lack empathy, dignity, and patience when things don’t go their way.

As parents, narcissists can influence their children in all sorts of ways. For example, a narcissist may have very high expectations for their child’s behavior.

The narcissist’s performance reflects on his or her child, so they demand excellence.

The narcissist may also use the child to meet their emotional needs—for example, they may dump all their personal problems on the child and expect the child to shoulder the burden.

This pattern can be frustrating and confusing when you’re the other parent.

You’ve probably heard the narcissist promise to change. At the same time, you’ve probably witnessed their erratic, hostile, and explosive behaviors enough times to know that you can’t really trust them.

2. Document any concerns

Write down any issues that arise, and be as specific as possible. For example, if your child tells you that the narcissist called them names, write that down.

If a teacher tells you that your ex was an hour late to pick them up from school, write that down, too. Ask them if they’d be willing to act as a witness when other people are around.

Keep in mind that you’re not trying to get them into trouble. Instead, you’re protecting yourself by gathering evidence that you may or may not choose to use in the future.

Moreover, these details are especially important if you are currently dealing with court cases.

3. Focus on your child above all else

Children often feel let down during separation and divorce because parents are too busy focusing on their anger toward each other. Yes, you may feel angry, betrayed, or lost. These are normal feelings.

But as a parent, it is your responsibility to care for your child’s needs (and this applies even if they are teenagers!).

Do your best to be a healthy, loving role model for them. They need a stable, reliable caregiver, and you can be that person.

If this seems impossible, consider seeking professional support. Individual or family therapy (with you and your child) can help you learn how to be attuned to their needs without projecting your feelings onto them.

In addition, don’t ignore the benefits of therapy for your child. They may need a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore their feelings. Narcissists often label their children as scapegoats or golden children.

Some children speak up when they’re struggling. Others show they are struggling by engaging in the following behaviors:

Being aggressive (verbally or physically) toward others

Sudden changes in self-esteem

Poor eating habits

Self-harm

Withdrawing from friends and family

Slumping school performance

Comments about being sad or angry

4. Don’t spend too much time with each other

You may want to consider a parallel parenting approach, which refers to parenting alongside each other, but not together. This is a different form of co-parenting, but it may be the best one to try.

With this approach, you limit contact as much as possible. Don’t attend any events together. You can even choose neutral locations (such as school) to pick up and drop off your children.

Parallel parenting can ease some of the drama associated with separation. It can also make the transition smoother for your children.

However, you should expect that they may feel angry or upset that both parents will not be at certain events. If this happens, be sure to listen to their concerns and validate their feelings.

5. Avoid Bad-mouthing the Narcissist

As tempting as it may be to criticize the narcissist, be the bigger person. This rule applies even if your children start complaining about their behavior.

First, nasty words that criticize a narcissist often backfire. For one thing, expecting a child to avoid revealing what you’re saying to someone else isn’t fair.

Plus, complaining may make you think about them even more—which is probably the last thing you want to do!

Instead, either keep your thoughts to yourself or share them with a trusted person like a therapist or a supportive friend who has no contact with the narcissist.

How to Set Boundaries When Parenting with a Narcissist

Now that you’ve moved beyond just surviving, it’s important to set, enforce, and continue to reinforce boundaries with the narcissist. Let’s discuss the best strategies.

1. Don’t Expect Normal Boundary Conversations

In healthy relationships, both parties respectfully communicate their needs to each other. If someone hurts someone else’s feelings, there’s a concerted effort to apologize and accept accountability for the mistake.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, such boundaries don’t really exist.

Narcissists don’t fully understand the nature of boundaries—the other person’s boundaries are more “general suggestions” than fixed expectations. If they don’t agree with those expectations, they simply won’t follow them.

Instead, your conversations should be as direct as possible. Set boundaries, and be clear about exactly how you will enforce them.

Anticipate their responses or defensiveness. Narcissists struggle with power, and they will see your boundaries as an attempt to act superior to them.

Try not to focus on their emotions. Instead, stick to your beliefs, and do your best to enforce them.

2. Write It All Down

Custody can be a contentious issue, and many narcissists will push boundaries and bluff to get what they want.

That’s why it’s important to include as much detail as possible in your custody agreements.

Of course, working with lawyers on an ongoing basis can be expensive. But it’s one of the best investments you can make in protecting yourself and your children.

The more legal and straightforward you can keep things, the easier it will be to present evidence if the narcissist starts to misbehave.

If others express concern about the narcissist, ask them to provide a written statement.

Related : What is Narcissistic Mirroring? The Dark Mirror of Narcissism

Documents always carry more weight than verbal commentary. Even if you don’t do anything with these statements, it’s a good idea to keep them handy in case of an emergency.

3. Ignore Their Tricks

Their tricks refer to all the manipulative tactics narcissists use to suck their victims back into their lives. Vacuuming may be obvious, meaning they may suddenly announce that they miss you and want to get back together.

But it’s often more subtle. For example, they may call you “by mistake” just to see if you’ll answer. Or they may be “in the neighborhood” and want to say hello to the kids.

Don’t yell about vacuuming, even when you realize it (and even when it makes you mad).

The narcissist is likely to become defensive or even hostile. Instead, ignore this tactic without giving them any of your time or attention.

4. Remember that you can’t control their behavior

You believe in serving vegetables with dinner, and they love feeding the kids ice cream and cake. You want them to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and the party goes on all day at the narcissist’s house.

It’s frustrating to feel like the narcissist is undermining your choices in raising your children. But expressing these concerns will only reinforce their decisions.

If they sense that you don’t like what they’re doing, they’ll often do it more often. This is because narcissists thrive on attention, even if the attention is completely negative.

Instead, try to be as neutral as possible. Don’t even question their approach. If they tell you something you don’t want to hear, ignore it.

5. Continue to enforce your boundaries with your children

If your children start to prefer spending time with the narcissist, don’t be too alarmed.

This is normal. The narcissist will work very hard to fake reality and play the role of the favorite parent.

Indeed, they may shower your children with expensive gifts and try to win their affection. In addition, they may also spend a great deal of time trying to put you down.

Of course, this can be painful. You may already feel vulnerable and insecure. If you’re trying to balance being a single parent, you may also feel overwhelmed.

You may be tempted to give in when your children tell you that they’re allowed to do something you don’t approve of in the other parent’s home.

But by doing so, you’re allowing the narcissist to win this battle. You’re also sending confusing and conflicting messages to your children.

Instead, try to be consistent. Children need this structure, and they need to know that they can count on you to provide it.

6. Pick Your Battles

A narcissist will do things just to annoy you. When it comes to parenting your children, you need to choose what to focus on and what to ignore.

Only you can set these boundaries, but make sure you know how to prioritize them.

If you pick a fight over every disagreement, you’re giving the narcissist more power, attention, and time. This perpetuates ongoing tension, and it can affect your children.

It also affects your mental health. If you’re constantly obsessing over what the narcissist is doing, you’ll feel hopeless. Eventually, this hopelessness will interfere with everything else in your life.

7. Consult an Attorney

If problems continue to arise, you may need to revisit your parenting terms with an attorney.

This is to protect you and your children. It’s also to ensure that things stay strictly legal rather than the narcissist’s interpretation of the situation.

It’s a good idea to write down any questions or concerns you have ahead of time. Lawyers often charge by the hour, and you want to be organized and efficient in how you use your time.

How to Deal with a Manipulative Parent?

As frustrating as the dynamic can be, it is possible to successfully learn how to co-parent with a narcissist.

Remember that your children need you to do your best to care for their safety and well-being. Likewise, you deserve to live a fulfilling life free from narcissistic abuse.

Remember to stick to your boundaries. Don’t tolerate name-calling, manipulation, or distortion.

Most importantly, try not to react. The calmer you are when dealing with a narcissist, the better.