Covert narcissists are known for passive aggressive behavior. They silently serve their superior nature, while still appearing likable and friendly – all under the guise of plausible deniability.
For a secret narcissist, it doesn’t get much better than that!
We recently talked about the six reasons why covert narcissists are passive-aggressive.
Covert narcissists may be passive aggressive through their verbal or nonverbal communication. Sometimes they do it through both at the same time.
Here are 12 real-life examples of covert narcissistic passive aggression:
Related: Induced Conversation: A Narcissist’s Most Powerful Weapon
- “I’m fine.”
The covert narcissist has made it clear that they are angry – walking around, slamming cabinets loudly, and ending the conversation abruptly. You ask if they’re upset and they say, “I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong. There’s clearly something wrong.” You ask again and get the same response.
In this case, the covert narcissist avoids being responsible for his or her own feelings, making it clear that you are to blame, without giving you a reason or something you can address. They get support by telling you they are upset with you, all while being able to deny that fact.
- The silent treatment
The covert narcissist makes it clear that you have wronged him in some way, either by hurting him, angering him, or disappointing him. They approach you with one word, uninterested answers, or stop talking to you altogether.
When pressed for information, they may say, “I’m just tired” or “It’s been a long day,” but their body language tells you it’s you.
- Backhanded compliments
Also known as passive aggressive putdown, the covert narcissist offers what appears to be a compliment, with a fork or needle at the end.
What a great idea! How did you think of that?
Great job on the project. I didn’t think you were that smart.
I so admire your confidence in wearing something like this.
I love the fact that you don’t care what other people think about your appearance.
amazing! Your house is very clean.
Complimenting them makes you feel confused or worse.
- Symbolic words
This can be very difficult to see. The covert narcissist has created a code word that conveys something negative to or about you. They may bring others into the loop to isolate you.
The code word might be obvious, for example, calling you “princess” when they want to imply that you are high maintenance.
The code word might not mean anything to the outside world either: plausible deniability.
For example, the word “tyler” means you urinate on yourself. They talk about their fake friend, Tyler, and everyone laughs at you, pretending to be innocent. “What? I was just talking about my friend Tyler. Why are you so upset?”
Related: How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother
- Sarcasm
Covert narcissists use sarcasm to insult you or express your anger, using words that clearly mean the opposite of what they want to say.
God, I love it when you do that
You are on top of things
Yes, you are so perfect
Nice work, Einstein
way to go
You really nailed this one
If you call them out on being hurtful, they will deny the sarcasm and claim they meant what they said. Plausible deniability ends the conversation.
- Mumbling while breathing
Sometimes, a covert narcissist will mumble loudly enough for you to hear, but quietly enough that he can deny speaking to you. Other times, you feel the energy behind their incomprehensible words – like the angry screaming under their breath or on their way out of the room. - Talking behind the back
A covert narcissist will talk to anyone and everyone about the problem they have with someone, except that person.
They can go the direct route, “Sheila, I feel like you didn’t hear me at all, ignored what I wanted, and planned your dream vacation, not mine,” but they feel that’s too confrontational.
Instead, they told everyone they knew that Sheila had asked them where they wanted to go on vacation, then ignored it, and booked what she wanted to do.
- Deliberately procrastinate
The covert narcissist uses this passive-aggressive technique when they don’t want to do something.
Maybe they don’t want…
Bedroom paint
Take their car for an oil change
Make an appointment with the doctor
They will deliberately stall to make it clear they don’t want to do it, sometimes in the hope that you’ll do it for them, sometimes in the hope that you’ll forget about it entirely, and sometimes in the hope that you’ll get too tired of asking or being reminded. That you will drop it.
- Being late
The covert narcissist will delay things he doesn’t want to do.
Maybe they agreed to that…
Meet you for a date
Attend a party
He picks you up at the airport
Their aggression is the anger that you called them on or asked them to do in the first place. Their negativity says: “Yes.” Their tardiness makes it clear that they don’t want to do it, when they can be plausibly deniable.
- Incompetence as a weapon
A covert narcissist will intentionally do a task poorly for two reasons: to avoid being asked to do it again, and to punish you for asking in the first place.
they will…
Broke a plate while washing dishes
Shrink your favorite sweater while doing their laundry
Leaving you with a screaming baby while taking too long to make their own bottle
Then they claim it was an accident or unavoidable to escape accountability and make you look like the bad person who brought up the issue.
- Vandalism
The covert narcissist will subtly sabotage you to hurt, frustrate, or anger them—and you’ll often be none the wiser.
they will…
Unplug the alarm, then plug it back in to make it appear as if the power went out during the night
Recycle your important papers
Hide your keys when you have an important meeting
Doesn’t give you an important message
I give you food that makes you sick
Tampering with your car so it won’t start
You become more stressed, more frustrated, and sicker as your life becomes harder and harder without realizing that they are intentionally sabotaging you.
Related: To My Narcissistic Psychopathic Mother, I Am “The Face That Understands Her”
