Passive-aggressive people act passively, but they express aggression covertly. Here are 12 characteristics of passive aggression.

They are basically blockers, trying to block everything you want. Their unconscious anger is transmitted to you, and you become frustrated and angry. Your anger is theirs, while they might quietly ask, “Why are you so angry?” And they blame you for the anger they stir up.

Passive-aggressive partners are generally codependent, and like codependents, they suffer from shyness and low self-esteem. Their behavior is designed to please and to counter control. You may be being abused, but not realizing it, because their strategy for expressing hostility is subtle and manipulative, leading to conflict and intimacy problems.

Passive Aggression – Personality Disorder

Personality disorders are persistent and permanent. According to the American Psychological Association, passive aggression was considered a personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV:

This behavior generally reflects hostility that the individual feels they dare not express openly. The behavior is often one expression of the patient’s dissatisfaction with not finding fulfillment in a relationship with an individual or institution on which they are overly dependent. (APA, 1968, p. 44, code 301.81)

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) attributed the disorder to a person having negative attitudes and passive resistance to requests for appropriate functioning, indicated by at least 4 of these traits and not due to depression:

• Passively resists the completion of routine tasks

• Complaints of misunderstanding and lack of appreciation

• Dark and controversial

• mocks and criticizes authority

• Expresses envy and resentment towards those who seem more fortunate

• Frequently makes exaggerated complaints of bad luck

• Shows alternation between hostile defiance and remorse

After nearly 40 years it was dropped in 1994. There is renewed interest in the study of passive aggression. See 2009 study. Passive aggression has been found to be associated with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, negative childhood experiences, and substance abuse.

Characteristics of passive aggression

Since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a passive-aggressive partner, nothing will ever get resolved. They say yes, then their behavior screams no. They try to sabotage your wants, needs, and plans using a variety of tactics. We all engage in some of these behaviors at times, but when there is a diffuse pattern of multiple symptoms, you are likely dealing with passive aggression.

1) Denial:
Like all codependents, they reject the influence of their behavior. This is why they blame others, not realizing the problems they are causing. They refuse to take responsibility for anything, distort reality, justify, blame, make excuses, belittle, deny, or lie about their behavior or the promises or agreements they made.

2) Forgetfulness:
Instead of saying no or addressing his anger, they forget about your birthday or the plans you discussed, or they forget to put gasoline in the car, or to pick up your prescription, or to fix a leaky toilet. You end up feeling hurt and angry.

3) Procrastination:
They are avoidant and don’t like schedules or deadlines. It’s another form of rebellion, so they delay and delay with endless excuses. They don’t follow through on responsibilities, promises or agreements. If they are unemployed, they are dragging their feet in search of work. You can do more job searching for them than they can for you.

4) Obstruction:
This is another non-verbal form of saying no. When you try to decide where and when to go on vacation, choose an apartment, or make plans, they find fault with every suggestion and won’t offer any of their own.

Read 8 Steps To Recovery After A Controlling Relationship

5) Ambiguity:
They hate taking a stand. They don’t say what they want or mean. However, their behavior tells the truth, which they usually don’t. This way they retain control and blame you for control. As you might expect, negotiating agreements, such as a divorce plan or a child visitation plan, is exasperating. In addition to stalling, they avoid getting caught.

They may insist on “reasonable visitation,” and classify your attempts to outline a predictable plan as controlling. Don’t be fooled. This only postpones negotiation when repeated arguments can occur over every exchange of children. Alternatively, they may agree to the terms, but not be bound by them. You can expect to go back to court.

6) Never get angry:
They do not express their anger openly. In childhood, they may have been punished or scolded for showing anger or never allowed to object. Their only outlet is oppositional passive-aggressive behavior.

7) Inefficiency:
When they finally do what you ask, you will likely have to send it back. If they do a repair it may not last or you will have to clean up the mess they made. If they help clean the house, their incompetence may push you to do it yourself. At work, they make careless mistakes.

Read Why It’s Okay To Cut Off Toxic Family Members From Your Life

8) Delay:
Chronic lateness is a half-hearted way of saying “no.” They agree to a time, but show up too late. You’re getting dressed, waiting to go out, and they’re “stuck in the office,” on the Internet, or watching the game and just aren’t ready. Being late to work or handing over assignments is a self-sabotaging form of rebellion that can lead to their firing.

9) Negative:
Their personality may include frowning or acting sullen, stubborn, or argumentative. They feel misunderstood, underappreciated, despised, and critical of authority. They often complain, envy, and resent those who are more fortunate.

10) Playing the victim:

The problem is always someone else’s fault. Their denial, shame, and irresponsibility make them play the victim and blame others. You or their boss becomes a dominatrix, and you demand one. They always have an excuse, but it’s their self-destructive behavior that gets them into trouble.

11) Subordination:
While they are afraid of being dominated, they are dependent, non-assertive, indecisive, and unsure of themselves. They are unaware of their dependence and fight it whenever they can. Obstructing them is a false attempt at independence. They don’t leave but rather withdraw or withhold intimacy instead. An independent person has healthy self-esteem, is assertive, and can take a stand and deliver on commitments. Not so for a passive-aggressive person. Their behavior is designed to avoid responsibility for themselves and their families, and they sometimes unfairly rely on their partners for support.

Read The Narcissist’s One Trick That Can Keep Us Hooked Forever

12) Booking:
Withholding contact is another form of expressing anger and passively asserting power. They may turn away, refuse to talk about things, or play the victim and say, “You’re always right,” shutting down the discussion. They are unable to express what they want, feel, or need. Instead, they maintain their power using silent treatment or withholding physical/financial support, affection, or sex. This undermines intimacy as a way to fight dependency.

There is a myriad of other things they can do, such as lock doors, give away something special to you, and serve you candy that you’re allergic to or when you’re on a diet.

What you can do about passive aggression

Because a passive-aggressive person is indirect, it can be difficult to recognize what is going on, but you must know who you are dealing with. Look for a widespread pattern for many of the above symptoms, and monitor your feelings. You may feel angry, confused, or vulnerable when trying to get cooperation. If this is a common pattern, you are likely dealing with passive aggression.

It is important not to react. When you whine, scold or get angry, you escalate the conflict and give your partner more excuses and ammunition to deny responsibility. Not only that, you’re stepping into the role of a parent—the person your partner revolts against. Don’t be vague, drop hints, blame, or allow yourself to reciprocate.

Don’t be passive or aggressive. Instead, be firm. It is much better to address non-compliance and problems in the relationship directly. Frame it in terms of “we have a problem,” not “you’re the problem,” and that’s a shame. Don’t blame or judge your partner, but describe the behavior you don’t like, how it affects you and the relationship, and what you want. If you allow your partner to come up with a solution to a problem, there is a better chance that the problem will be resolved.