The narcissist’s weakness is his intense hatred of feeling embarrassed. There is nothing worse for them than having someone point out even the slightest mistake. Ironically, they have no problem doing this openly to others.
Narcissists often have a complex relationship with shame, as they strive to maintain a grandiose, idealized image of themselves. They are highly sensitive to criticism or any potential threat to their self-esteem, which triggers deep feelings of shame.
However, instead of confronting and processing their shame, they tend to project it onto others by belittling or shaming them, in an attempt to protect their fragile ego. Ironically, this avoidance of shame can further isolate the narcissist and perpetuate a cycle of unhealthy behaviors and relationships.
One study found that this way of showing shyness allows them to feel superior while minimizing any influence the other person might have. It also serves as a way to discount any future comments the other person uses to embarrass the narcissist.
Narcissists hit the other person with the first punch. To avoid becoming a victim of narcissistic shame, a person needs to understand what that looks like.
Related: The Effects Of A Narcissistic Mother, As Seen In ‘The Manchurian Candidate’
#Here are 11 ways narcissists use shame to control you.
1. They claim they are trying to “keep you humble,” but they are insulting you.
The narcissist will retell someone else’s story, creating additional shame. This can be done in front of others or in private. This usually happens after the other person has achieved a certain level of accomplishment.
The narcissist will state that they are just trying to keep the other person humble, but in reality, they are trying to humiliate them.
2. They collect information about you and then use it against you.
Narcissists love to collect information about someone and store it away for later abuse. They use their charm to lure a person into sharing confidential details, especially those that would embarrass the other person.
Once the information is gathered, the narcissist uses the story to keep the other person in check and constantly worries about when the information will come out.
3. They exaggerate your flaws.
No one is perfect…except the narcissist. A narcissist is very good at identifying faults in others and is even better at making passive-aggressive comments about them. This is a way to put the other person “in their place.”
When confronted, they often say, “I was just kidding,” or that this person “can’t take a joke.”
4. They play the victim.
Narcissists are gifted at inciting others’ ire and then using their reactions as justification to become the real victim. No matter how hard the narcissist goads the other person, an angry reaction to provocation is considered shameful.
The other person who usually feels bad about their reaction allows the narcissist to play the victim card, thus handing control over to the narcissist.
Related: 7 Cunning Psychological Tactics Narcissists Use To Avoid Accountability
5. They shift the blame
Whenever something goes wrong, the narcissist shifts all the blame to the other person. The other person who may have done something wrong allows the narcissist to offload more than his fair share of responsibility.
6. They look down on you.
In any narcissistic relationship, the narcissist wants to be seen as an adult and the other person as a child. This belittlement is done in many condescending ways such as speaking, calling the other person immature, and saying the other person needs to mature.
The implication is that the narcissist is more mature and has developed beyond the other person’s level.
7. They guilt you religiously
It doesn’t matter what religion the narcissist or the other person is. In every religion, there is a set of standards and expectations. The narcissist will use the other person’s religious beliefs to condemn them for behaving in a certain way. They may go so far as to say, “God has told me that you need…”
8. They claim you’re “too defensive.”
The narcissist will use personal attacks to put the other person on the defensive. The other person will be so busy defending their name or character that they will miss the next attack.
The narcissist will say, “Look how defensive you are, you must have done something wrong.” This is a checkmate situation because the other person has nowhere to go.
Related: 9 Tiny Startling Signs You’re Dating A Narcissist
9. They talk over you.
Instead of talking down (baby talk), the narcissist will talk about the other person’s level of knowledge. Even if the other person is more intelligent, the narcissist will speak in circles with an air of authority to force the other person into an inferior position.
They will use complex vocabulary, physical postures (such as looking at the other person), and embellishing details to hide the real goal of shaming the other person.
10. They constantly try to one-up you.
It doesn’t matter what the other person has accomplished; The narcissist did it first, better, and more efficiently.
By outmaneuvering the other person, the narcissist belittles the other person’s accomplishments compared to his or her own. This results in a feeling of “I can’t be good enough” in the other person.
11. Their first impressions are impeccable.
The narcissist is very aware of what he looks like and how he appears to others. Often, they wear carefully tailored clothing. No hair is ever out of place.
This isn’t just for narcissists; Rather, their ideal appearance is used to belittle others. Comments like “They don’t take care of themselves” or “It doesn’t take much effort to look better” are typical.
When a person can see a punch coming, it is easier to dodge it. Resist the temptation to attack first with a narcissist, which will only intensify his or her reaction. Instead, swerve and distract to avoid becoming a target.
