People throw around the word “narcissist” without thinking much about the actual personality disorder, which includes things like an inability to empathize, cognitive dissonance, and rage-filled reactions so severe that they leave those around them completely frustrated, if not completely terrified.
Of course, if they showed these aspects of themselves in the beginning, no one would ever find themselves in love with someone.
Unfortunately, in addition to being shallow and cold, they are also subtly manipulative people with chameleon-like qualities, allowing them to mimic some of the most charming, disarming, and loving behaviors ever put forth in a courtship.
Although no one would ever choose to be with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some valuable (and useful!) lessons to be learned.
#11 Ways dating a narcissist will change you
1. If you don’t have boundaries, you will be torn down.
Many people will push you to do what they want you to do and test your limits, but narcissists get excited when you tell them what you don’t agree with. They’ll tell you they respect your values at first, but they’re just taking notes.
And in the future, you can be sure that they will do exactly what you tell them you will not tolerate. When they ask for forgiveness and are given another chance, they get reformed. They are so amazing and superior that you would betray yourself for them.
2. If you care about something, it matters.
It is a well-known fact that narcissists are experts at devaluing the feelings of others. So good that many partners begin to think they’re “making a bigger deal” out of something necessary.
This could be them lying and flirting with the waitress, or being excited about a promotion or book deal. A narcissist asked me, “Why are you so excited because you sold a book? You’ll never write anything of real importance.”
3. There is absolutely no point in arguing the facts.
Anyone who has been in a battle with a narcissist knows how incredibly frustrating it is to turn around a topic that has obvious truth.
In the eyes of the narcissist, being wrong confirms all of their fears about themselves, and they will respond by waging war to annihilate you for getting your facts right.
4. No one has the right to tell you who you are, what you need, or what is “wrong” with you.
You have to stick to what you know to be true about who you are, or you won’t survive this relationship at all. Narcissists are master manipulators and will use every possible conversation you have to manipulate and control you.
At first, they’ll build you up with flattery (which is amazing), but what they give, they take away (and some). When they tell you that you are “crazy” “unlovable” “needy” or “need therapy” or dozens of other terrible things they will say, you must remember that it is about them, not you.
Related: How To Keep Your Sanity INTACT When Co-Parenting With A Narcissist
5. It takes time to love someone or even get someone.
Who doesn’t want to believe in the idea of love at first sight? The idea that someone will finally see you for who you are and “get you” within a couple of weeks of meeting you is certainly tempting in today’s meet-and-dance dating game, but it’s all part of the dangerous game that narcissists play as part of the game. Of the game, they are running on you.
Narcissists know how tempting this is and will play on every fantasy and ideal you have to get you addicted.
Get out there, date, have fun, and enjoy meeting people. But if someone starts saying things that sound great but are too good to be true, take off those rose-colored glasses and run.
6. Rejection isn’t always about you.
Sometimes it’s a way to control you. One of the worst feelings in the world is being chased by someone who treats you like trash, but anyone who has been in the cycle of an abusive relationship with a narcissist knows exactly what I’m talking about.
They start harassing you, overstepping your boundaries, and hurting you. You feel confused and angry, and you react. They lash out even harder and – before you know it – they give you the silent treatment and you’re begging them to forgive you.
When someone “rejects” you and treats you poorly for no reason, it’s important to remember and hold on to the fact that you gave them no reason to act that way toward someone they supposedly “loved.”
7. Great chemistry does not make a great partnership.
Narcissists are confident, and sexy and work to maintain complete control of the situations they are in. When they set their sights on you, they quickly evaluate what turns you on and turns you off, and they turn to that pe
That chemistry and “connection” burning up your spine is manipulation, which the narcissist looks down upon you for falling into.
As the relationship progressed, they got tired of the facade and started showing their teeth. You’ll wonder why they changed when in reality, they were deceiving you all along.
Unfortunately, this often happens long after any reasonable return point – often after you marry them.
8. Chaos is not “passionate love.”
It’s toxic, often abusive, and the exact opposite of love. A person who loves you cares about your peace of mind, your feelings, and your needs, and wants what is best for you.
As the cycle continues to repeat, the lows become so unbearable that a good day seems “amazing,” because you feel so thrilled not to be devalued, rejected, or devalued.
You’re glorifying the minimum of proper decorum in a relationship when you deserve so much more – from you and yourself.
9. Showing love is not necessary.
Most narcissists attach themselves to loving, kind, and very vulnerable people. Most of these people will be seen as “good-hearted” towards the people in their lives, but are seen as weak in the eyes of the narcissist.
Because narcissists hate romantic relationships, they view love and affection as stifling obligations, and those who want these things are “clingy” and “needy.”
Over time, partners begin to question their natural, healthy need to express and receive love, which can be very confusing.
10. Forgiving yourself is an essential part of living a healthy life.
When I look back and read my memoirs from my time with a narcissist, I feel several emotions: sadness, confusion, shock, and even shame.
The truth is, I can’t believe I was in such a hurtful and toxic relationship. What’s even more confusing is why I care about the person. How could I not love myself enough to walk away? How did I not protect myself from that?
Once they finally leave, partners of narcissists often ask themselves the same questions as their friends and loved ones (often with the same shock and confusion).
11. You may emerge as a stronger and more complete individual than before.
As narcissists destroy your sense of self-esteem, self-worth, identity, and even your sense of reality, you can allow yourself the opportunity to rebuild from the experience with a solid foundation that will not only make you whole again but also more capable and able to love than before.
Many victims of narcissism need professional therapy to help them overcome all the pain and devastation their relationship has caused them.
However, you may find yourself better at being able to spot bad apples before you get involved, once you start dating again. Because of your experiences, you may become a more compassionate and compassionate person, able to know his or her limits thanks to a newfound ability to draw boundaries.
You may learn to respect yourself and build more self-esteem and self-worth than ever before, because you see the events of your relationship for what they are, and understand that they have nothing to do with any weaknesses you have – but in fact, the narcissist who hurt you so carelessly.
I’ve learned that — while it’s great to learn lessons and work on the areas that allow me to walk this essential path — focusing on my ability to move on and move forward is the most productive way to look back on the past as I was. Keep moving forward.
