The term “toxic” gets thrown around a lot these days—but what does it mean? You’ve probably encountered a toxic person or two throughout your life, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. Here, we explore what it means to be toxic, the signs to look out for, and how to deal with toxic people in your life.
WhatDoesItMeanToBeToxic
Toxic people are people who cause harm to another person, often through emotional manipulation, clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, tells mbg. Some do this knowingly, like dark personality types (psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths, Machiavellians, etc.), which are often associated with toxic traits, she adds.
As licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., JD, notes, these people can hurt others through their behavior, whether they’re trying to manipulate someone, control them, or otherwise abuse them.
“Then there’s another added layer where there are those who do it sadistically to create drama or watch someone squirm,” New adds.
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However, some people can have toxic traits without necessarily realizing the impact they’re having on others. (We have a toxic person quiz, by the way, in case you’re worried you might be the toxic one.)
11 Toxic Traits to Watch Out For:
- Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation involves a whole range of behaviors and tactics, and if you feel like you’re being emotionally manipulated, you’re likely dealing with a toxic person, New and Spinelli say.
“They’ll put you in a vulnerable position and humiliate you, often in a passive-aggressive or indirect way,” New says. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe they’ll make fun of you about something you’re sensitive about to make you angry, or maybe they’ll withhold affection to punish you for no apparent reason. “All they want is to make you squirm—they thrive on that,” New says.
- Deception
According to Spinelli, any type of deception, whether it’s deception, lying, or general secrecy, is a sign of a toxic person. This is a tough one, depending on how good of a liar you’re dealing with, but if you catch them lying, especially more than once, don’t take it lightly.
- Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation is a form of emotional manipulation, but it gets special attention because it can be hard to recognize when it’s happening to you. Emotional manipulation is essentially when someone denies your reality with statements like “you’re making things up” or “you’re being dramatic” when you express your thoughts and feelings. Neo and Spinelli agree that this is toxic, and can lead you to distrust your intuition and experiences. (If you’ve noticed this happening to you, here’s how to deal with manipulation.)
- Lack of Accountability
Toxic people don’t want to take the blame for anything, and they’ll make sure not to. Not only do they show a lack of responsibility for their actions, Spinelli says, they often shift the blame onto others.
- Lack of Boundaries
According to Neo, toxic people have no concept of (or respect for) boundaries. If you set healthy, reasonable boundaries, they’ll trample on them, she says, adding that they’ll make you take the blame for your “hypersensitivity” if you get upset when your boundaries are crossed.
- Unsupportive
Does this person support your goals and dreams? Are they happy for you when things are going well in your life? Are they interested in your wants and needs? If the answer to these questions is no, Spinelli says, they’re toxic. Even when they make a facade of support, it can often come across as “toxic positivity,” which is essentially an insincere optimism to avoid making space for someone.
- Energy Drain
Going back to the idea of energy vampires, Neo and Spinelli agree that toxic people are major energy drainers. “They drain energy and make you feel exhausted,” Spinelli says. “They create stress, drain, and negativity for those around them,” Neo agrees.
- Power Dynamics
According to Spinelli, toxic people are more likely to create power dynamics. They don’t want relationships based on mutual respect and reciprocity, but rather relationships where they are superior and can manipulate the people around them. (See: One-Sided Friendships .)
- Encourage Codependency
Spinelli says that toxic people, similar to the power structure mentioned above, will not only encourage but create a codependent dynamic. If you’re being manipulated and your self-esteem is low, you’ll become more dependent on the toxic person, Neo explains, which is exactly what they want. “They’ll do everything they can to isolate you from the people in your life,” she adds.
- Drama Stirring
Toxic people want to make you squirm. So, Neo says, don’t be surprised when they can’t resist starting a fight. For example, they might know you have an early morning the next day and ask to do something later that night, just so you have to say no and set the boundary. “Then they’ll tell you that you’re being difficult or demanding,” Neo adds.
- Insincere Apologies
Finally, Neo explains, the more sophisticated toxic people who know when they’ve messed up (because they did it on purpose) may apologize to you. But that apology won’t be sincere—“They make it all about you, and they make it all your fault,” she adds, with phrases like “I’m sorry you think I was wrong” or “I’m sorry if I upset you.” And remember, apologizing without change is manipulation in and of itself. (Here’s how to apologize, for what it’s worth.)
How Toxic People Can Negatively Affect You
Toxic people aren’t fun to deal with, but the negative impact they can have on people is profound. As Spinelli explains, these people will find ways to blame you for everything, control you, stifle you, and invalidate you, which can lead you to give up on yourself.
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Not only that, but they’re energy vampires, meaning they seem to completely drain your life just by being around. “They cause you a lot of distress that you can justify because you can’t understand why they’re affecting you so badly,” notes Neo, adding that toxic people often make you question your sanity.
When you’re controlled by a toxic person, you’ll find yourself internalizing them, making poor choices, and getting caught up in drama. All of this leads to an overall decrease in self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, Spinelli says.
How to Deal with Toxic People
So what can you do about these toxic people? New suggests ignoring them if possible—and getting out if you’re in a relationship with them (romantic or not). “If a toxic relationship is showing one side of you, it’s time to distance yourself or cut yourself off,” Spinelli adds.
Of course, sometimes we can’t avoid certain people, whether they’re toxic family members or coworkers. In that case, it’s important to know your boundaries and stick to them, Spinelli says. Sometimes, New adds, we don’t realize that we’re allowed to set firm boundaries. If you’re struggling with this, she suggests planning a “script” of sorts, planning out exactly what you want to say before you have to say it.
Both New and Spinelli explain that when dealing with toxic people, we need to know what we’re dealing with and respond accordingly. New calls it the “law of the jungle,” and says that you don’t go into the jungle without being properly equipped to protect yourself. So don’t be afraid to do that.
“It doesn’t mean you’re not a compassionate person,” Spinelli adds. “It means you take care of yourself and make sure you preserve yourself.” As Neo notes, standing up for yourself isn’t the same as provoking someone else, and “you can reserve your kind, loving self for those who deserve it.”
