People-pleasing isn’t always straightforward. This trait manifests in many different ways, and it’s not necessarily easy to spot.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice, though that can certainly be one of its main influences. In essence, a real people-pleasing person struggles desperately with self-worth and identity. They lack the boundaries and structure of relationships in their lives. As a result, they often feel tired, resentful, and somewhat empty.
Most people try to be kind and conform to social norms. But true people-pleasing goes beyond trying to make others happy. Here are some of the more subtle warning signs.
1 – You cannot make decisions on your own
If you’re a people pleaser, you probably struggle with recognizing your own needs. You may also lack a sense of identity because you are so used to caring about others.
What is the cost of this behaviour? Maybe you’re indecisive, and that indecision can affect everything from what to make for dinner to how you settle on which job offer to accept.
But the frequency is not random. It is a reaction to the desire to please others and to avoid disappointing or hurting them. You are so used to thinking about what someone else might need that you don’t take the time to think about your own desires or preferences.
2 – You can’t say no without feeling guilty
It is a misconception that people-pleasing people never say no. Many of them do.
But even if you can say no, there’s a good chance you’ll feel very guilty about setting such boundaries. This is because, deep down, you don’t think you deserve to put your needs before anyone else’s. Likewise, you worry about hurting another person and facing their rejection.
This is why many people who are satisfied with them often push back at their own limits. For example, you might say you’re going to do something, but when it comes right down to it, you snap. You go back on your word. You want to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being.
3 – You don’t like some people (but you pretend to be)
Some people assume that people-pleasing comes from kindness. But this is not always true. In some cases, people-pleasing is a way to protect yourself from others. By giving them what they want, you might assume that they will leave you alone.
It’s no secret that people-pleasing can be stressful! Instead of enjoying your relationships, you often feel submissive to what other people want. This can make you want to isolate yourself, even from the people you love the most.
4 – You feel guilty when someone helps you
Many happy people struggle to ask for or accept help. And even if someone lovingly does something for you, it often leads to feelings of guilt.
You feel guilty that they had to spend time or energy supporting you. You feel guilty because you can’t do it alone. You feel guilty about the impact of this decision on the relationship. Oh, and then you might also feel guilty that you can’t “be normal” and accept help! Talk about a crushing course!
Of course, when someone else needs help, you’re usually the first to respond.
5 – You spend time with toxic people
Toxic people tend to like people who please them. They need someone who can tolerate or enable their outrageous behavior. They also know that you’ll likely give them what they want — whether that’s validation, security, money, or sex.
When someone has good boundaries, they aim to protect themselves from unhealthy relationships. They recognize the warning signs and use self-imposed boundaries to avoid further contact with such people.
But a people-pleasing person struggles in this field. You often feel the need to save the toxic people in their lives. You naturally shift into a supporting role. Narcissists, of course, benefit greatly from this generosity. They do what they can to exploit your kindness to benefit their needs.
6 – You try to build a perfect life on social media
Just like everyone else, people pleasers also want approval and validation. You don’t necessarily explicitly ask for it, though, because that might sound more daring and vulnerable.
Instead, you might be trying to prove your worth by focusing on creating the appearance of the perfect life. The problem is the fact that you’re not living this life – you’re just creating it for the rest of the world to see.
However, creating this illusion does not make you feel better. First, it’s not real, which can make you acutely aware of the discrepancy between fantasy and reality. In addition, you may feel uncomfortable with the attention others give you – even if you subtly ask for it.
7 – You often feel empty
When you sit alone with yourself, what happens? how do you feel?
If you don’t know, there’s a good chance you won’t be left alone. You are afraid of what might happen. It is often a mixture of uneasy sadness, anger, and confusion. Something feels, and you don’t know how to fix it.
Satisfied people feel empty because they depend on giving to others rather than giving to themselves. They chronically pour from an empty cup, and this leaves them feeling drained.
8 – You consider yourself very low maintenance
Depending on the situation, going with the flow has its benefits. These days, it’s also fashionable to be considered low-maintenance.
But if this is your constant way of being, then this smug attitude might just be you making light of yourself by pretending you don’t care about things. It’s okay to pay attention! It’s okay to have needs and preferences, and that doesn’t make you pretentious, silly, or irrational.
When you compromise your morals or values in a people-pleasing spirit, you often feel unrestrained in the way you live your life. You also run the risk of being manipulated by others.
9 Others often feel manipulated
She didn’t want to buy that car, but the seller was very persistent.
You didn’t want to bake cupcakes for your son’s class, but the teacher told you to in a panic.
She didn’t want that paint color, but the contractor insisted it would look better.
Do any of these common scenarios feel familiar? Do you find yourself blaming others for the difficulties you are having in saying no or being true to your conviction?
A people pleaser often breaks down under stress. You don’t want to cause conflict, and you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings, even if that person is a stranger just trying to make money.
10- You drug yourself or hurt yourself
The cost of people-pleasing can be devastating. You don’t want to burden others. You are afraid to share your weak thoughts. But instead of dealing with this stress constructively, many cat pleasers internalize it by hurting themselves.
Sedation is not just an effect of drugs or alcohol. People can drug themselves with food, shopping, gambling, video games, social media, and television.
11- You have unexplained aches and pains
Mind and body are closely linked. If you neglect one area, it endangers the other.
Research shows that we store stress in the body. This tension can turn into headaches, muscle tension, cramps, and general discomfort.
If you are experiencing these symptoms—and there is no legitimate medical reason—it may be because you spend too much time feeling anxious and anxious about others.
