Imagine this: your entire reality has been distorted and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, belittled and led into believing that you are imagining things. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together has been shattered into a million little pieces.

Your sense of self has been eroded, diminished. You were idealized, devalued, and then kicked off the base. You may have been replaced and discarded several times, only to be “dumped” and lured back into a cycle of abuse even more torturous than before. You may have been relentlessly stalked, harassed, and bullied into staying with your abuser.

This was no ordinary breakup or relationship: this was a preparation for a secret, insidious murder of your psyche and your sense of safety in the world. However, there may not be visible scars to tell the tale; All you have are broken pieces, shattered memories, and internal battle wounds.

This is what narcissistic abuse looks like.

Psychological violence perpetrated by malignant narcissists can include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, and triangulation along with a large number of other forms of coercion and control. This is imposed by someone who lacks empathy, displays an excessive sense of entitlement, and engages in interpersonal exploitation to meet his or her own needs at the expense of the rights of others.

As a result of chronic abuse, victims may experience symptoms of PTSD, complex PTSD if they have been exposed to additional trauma such as being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as “narcissistic victim syndrome” (Cannonville, 2015; Staggs 2016). The effects of narcissistic abuse can include depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, an overwhelming sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that take the victim back to the abusive incidents, and overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.

When we are in the midst of an ongoing cycle of abuse, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what we are experiencing because abusers are able to distort and twist reality to suit their own needs, engage in intense love bombing after abusive incidents and impress their partners. The victims are the ones who abuse them.

If you find yourself experiencing the eleven symptoms below and are in a toxic relationship with a partner who disrespects and invalidates you, you have likely been terrorized by an emotional predator:

1. You experience separation as a survival mechanism.
   You feel emotionally or even physically disconnected from your environment, and experience disturbances in memory, perception, awareness, and sense of self. As Dr. van der Kolk (2015) writes in his book The Body Keeps the Score, “Disconnection is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is divided and fragmented, such that emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations take on a life of their own.”

Separation can lead to emotional distraught in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions, and repression may become a way of life because they give you an escape from your current reality. Your mind finds ways to emotionally block the impact of pain so that you don’t have to deal with the full horror of your circumstances.

You may also have traumatized inner parts that are disconnected from the personality you inhabited with your abuser or loved one (Johnston, 2017). These inner parts can include inner child parts that were never nurtured, the real anger and disgust you feel toward your abuser or parts of yourself that you feel you cannot express around them.

According to therapist Rev. Sherri Heller (2015), “Integrating and restoring separate and disavowed aspects of personality depends largely on constructing a coherent narrative, allowing emotional, cognitive, and physiological realities to be internalized.” This internal integration is best done with the help of a trauma-informed therapist.

2. You’re walking on eggshells
   A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma—be it people, places, or activities that pose that threat. Whether it’s your friend, partner, family member, co-worker, or boss, you find yourself constantly monitoring what you say or do around this person for fear of incurring their wrath, punishment, or becoming the subject of their envy.

However, you find that this does not work and you still become the target of your abusers when they feel entitled to use you as an emotional punching bag. You become constantly worried about “provoking” your abuser in any way and may avoid confrontation or setting boundaries as a result. You may also extend your other-pleasing behavior outside of the abusive relationship, losing your ability to be spontaneous or assertive when navigating the outside world, especially with people who are similar to or related to your abuser.

3. You put your basic needs and desires aside, sacrificing your emotional and even physical well-being to please the abuser.
   Maybe you were once full of life, goal-driven and dream-oriented. Now you feel as if you are only living to satisfy someone else’s needs and agendas. Once upon a time, it seemed like a narcissist’s entire life revolved around you; Now your whole life revolves around them. You may have put your goals, hobbies, friendships, and personal safety on the back burner just to make sure your abuser feels good in the relationship. Of course, you will soon realize that he will never be satisfied no matter what you do or don’t do.

4. You suffer from health problems and physical symptoms that represent your psychological disorder.
   You may have gained or lost a significant amount of weight, developed serious health problems that did not exist before, or experienced physical symptoms of premature aging. The stress of chronic abuse has caused your cortisol levels to increase and your immune system to take a hit, leaving you vulnerable to physical ailments and diseases (Berglund, 2013). You find yourself unable to sleep or suffer from terrifying nightmares when you do, and you relive the trauma through emotional or visual flashbacks that take you back to the site of the original wounds (Walker, 2013).
5. You develop a general feeling of mistrust
   Everyone is now a threat, and you find yourself worrying about others’ intentions, especially after experiencing the malicious actions of someone you once trusted. Your usual caution turns into hypervigilance. Because the narcissistic abuser goes out of his way to convince you that your experiences are invalid, it is difficult to trust anyone, including yourself.
6. You experience suicidal thoughts or tendencies to harm yourself.
   Along with depression and anxiety may come an increasing feeling of hopelessness. You feel that your circumstances are unbearable, as if you cannot escape, even if you wanted to. You develop a sense of learned helplessness that makes you feel as if you don’t want to survive another day. You may also engage in self-harm as a way to cope. As noted by Dr. McKeown (2014), Chief of the Suicide Prevention Branch at SAMHSA, victims of intimate partner violence are several times more likely to attempt suicide. The way attackers commit murder without leaving a trace.
7. You are isolating yourself.
   Many abusers isolate their victims, but victims also isolate themselves because they feel ashamed of the abuse they are experiencing. Due to victim blaming and misconceptions about emotional and psychological violence in society, victims may be retraumatized by law enforcement, family members, friends, and narcissistic harem members who may invalidate their perceptions of abuse. They fear that no one will understand or believe them, so instead of asking for help, they decide to withdraw from others as a way to avoid judgment and retaliate against their abuser.
8. You find yourself comparing yourself to others, often to the point of blaming yourself for the abuse.
   The narcissistic abuser is highly skilled at manufacturing love triangles or inserting another person into the relationship dynamic to further terrorize the victim. As a result, victims of narcissistic abuse internalize a fear that they are inadequate and may constantly seek to compete for the abuser’s attention and approval.

Victims may also compare themselves to others who have happier, healthier relationships or find themselves wondering why the abuser treats strangers with more respect. This can send them down the trapdoor of asking, “Why me?” Stuck in the abyss of self-blame. The truth is that the abuser is the one to blame, and you are in no way responsible for being abused.

9. You are sabotaging yourself and destroying yourself.
   Victims often find themselves thinking about the abuse and hearing the voice of the abuser in their minds, which amplifies their negative self-talk and tendency toward self-sabotage. Malignant narcissists program their victims and force them to self-destruct, sometimes to the point of driving them to suicide.

Because of the narcissist’s covert and overt insults, verbal abuse, and excessive criticism, victims develop a tendency to punish themselves for carrying such toxic shame. They may sabotage their goals, dreams, and academic pursuits. The abuser has instilled in them a sense of worthlessness and they begin to believe that they are not worthy of good things.

10. You are afraid to do what you love and achieve success.
    Because many pathological predators envy their victims, they punish them for their success. This forces their victims to associate their joys, interests, talents, and areas of success with harsh and cruel treatment. This conditioning makes their victims afraid to succeed for fear they will be met with retaliation and reprimand.

As a result, victims become depressed, anxious, lack confidence, and may hide from the spotlight and allow their abusers to steal the spotlight again and again. Realize that the person who is abusing you is not belittling your talents because he or she truly believes you are inferior; It is because those gifts threaten their control over you.

11. You are protecting your attacker and even “gaslighting” yourself.
    Rationalizing, minimizing, and denying abuse are often survival mechanisms for victims in an abusive relationship. In order to reduce the cognitive dissonance that erupts when the person who claims to love you mistreats you, victims of abuse convince themselves that the abuser isn’t really that bad or must have done something to provoke the abuse.

It is important to reduce this cognitive dissonance in the other direction by reading about the narcissistic personality and methods of abuse. In this way, you are able to reconcile your current reality with the narcissist’s false self by realizing that the abusive personality, not the charming façade, is his true self.

Remember, a severe trauma bond often forms between the victim and the abuser because the victim is trained to depend on the abuser for their survival (Carnes, 2015). Victims may protect their abusers from legal consequences, paint a happy picture of the relationship on social media, or overcompensate by sharing the blame for the abuse.

I have been narcissistically abused. What now?

If you are currently in an abusive relationship of any kind, know that you are not alone even if you feel that way. There are millions of survivors around the world who have experienced what you went through. This type of psychological torture is not limited to gender, culture, social class or religion. The first step is to realize the reality of your situation and validate it even if the abuser tries to get you to believe otherwise.

If you can, write down your experiences to begin to acknowledge the reality of abuse. Share the truth with a trusted mental health professional, domestic violence advocates, family members, friends, or fellow survivors. Begin to “heal” your body through methods such as trauma-focused yoga and mindfulness meditation, two practices that target the same parts of the brain that are often affected by trauma (van der Kolk, 2015).

Seek help if you experience any of these symptoms, especially suicidal ideation. Consult with a trauma-informed counselor who understands you and can help guide you through the symptoms of trauma. Make a safety plan if you have concerns that the abuser will become violent.

It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship because of the intense trauma that can develop, the effects of trauma and the overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness that can form as a result of the abuse. However, know that it is actually possible to leave and begin the journey to no contact or low contact in co-parenting situations. Recovering from this type of abuse is difficult, but it’s worth paving the way back to freedom and putting the pieces back together.