It would be nice to think that every relationship we enter into will naturally evolve into a strong, deep connection.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone. Some relationships stop at the surface level, never really getting to the point or getting to the heart of us.
I was once in a relationship like this. Even though we had a lot of chemistry and shared interests, for some reason, I felt like something was missing.
It was emotional depth. A deeper emotional connection that felt more complete and fulfilling.
Looking back, I realize that it shouldn’t have taken me this long to figure it out. Because I should have noticed these red flags that signaled a lack of emotional depth:
1) No Intimacy Outside the Bedroom
Let’s start with chemistry, which was something I had with my ex. The problem was that any intimacy we shared didn’t go beyond the bedroom.
That’s not exactly a good sign. Because it showed that what we had was superficial.
Don’t get me wrong, sexual intimacy is important. But non-sexual intimacy is just as important.
Several studies have shown that couples who touch each other more (e.g., back rubs, hugs, etc.) tend to feel more satisfied with their relationships.
Not to mention that some people need more, like those whose love language is affection.
Imagine if that was your love language and you rarely received it outside of the covers. It would be hard to feel connected and emotionally satisfied, right?
2) It Feels More Like a Convenience Than a Real Choice
Does your relationship feel more like a convenience arrangement than a conscious choice driven by a deep connection?
Maybe you started with a strong attraction and a lot of passion, but now it feels like you’re in it just for the heck of it.
Maybe there’s a void you’re trying to fill or maybe it’s better than not being alone.
Whatever the reason, it certainly doesn’t feel like an intentional choice.
And if so, you’re probably just getting together out of habit or convenience. That’s a glaring red flag if you ask me.
Because when there’s real emotional depth, you want to spend time together. Not only because it fills time, but because the interaction is meaningful.
Plus, most of the time, when you’re together for convenience, this next sign also shows up…
3) Your Status Isn’t Clear
Are you two exclusive or not? Are you just friends with benefits? You might be married, but why do you feel like you’re just roommates then?
Ambiguity is a red flag that your relationship lacks emotional depth. When you can’t even pinpoint what you mean to the other person, it’s a sign that what you have is superficial.
For me, being in this kind of ambiguous situation was hard. I never knew where I stood. And honestly, I wasn’t sure what it meant to me either.
So, I felt like I was in a state of limbo—is this relationship something we should take seriously? Or are we just killing time/playing around? (This is another sign of a superficial relationship, by the way, but more on that later.)
In an emotionally deep relationship, you won’t have to ask yourself these questions. You’ll know without a doubt what you mean to each other.
4) Your Future Is Uncertain
Of course, if you don’t even know where you stand, how will you know what the future holds for your relationship?
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Of course, nothing is ever certain. Even the most solid couples can break up. But in an emotionally deep relationship, there should be at least some certainty. You should at least be able to envision a future with your partner in it.
When the emotional bond is strong, discussions about the future come naturally. Imagining a life together seems not only possible but exciting.
I knew my husband was the one when we shared our dreams, goals, and fears about what lay ahead. We had no idea what the future held, but we knew we would be there together.
As I said, you’ll find out.
5) Withholding Information and Repeated Lying
I don’t have much to explain here. When you feel emotionally connected to someone, you don’t want to hurt them, period.
And that’s what withholding information and lying can do. And you can’t even say it’s accidental, because it’s intentional.
Your partner may say they love you and feel connected to you, but if they do these things, there’s a disconnect somewhere.
6) Playing Mind Games
Mind games may be more subtle than withholding and outright lying, but make no mistake — they’re a glaring red flag.
I wish I could say that playing mind games simply indicates a lack of emotional depth. Yes, they may be superficial, but at least they’re still benign.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Mind games are far from benign; they’re downright destructive.
Not only does this mean you haven’t reached a level of real connection, but it also creates a toxic environment that ensures you never get there.
Because playing mind games on your partner means you don’t respect them. Without this basic requirement, you’ll never achieve emotional depth.
7) There’s a Lack of Communication
Mind games are just one example of a lack of communication. But this lack can also show up in the ways that issues go unaddressed. Or in how you don’t communicate throughout the day.
You see, emotionally connected people are connected because they know how to communicate. They do small acts of communication that keep them connected, like:
- Addressing conflicts head-on instead of letting them fester
- Doing little check-ins throughout the day
- Being willing to be vulnerable
In relationships that lack this level of communication, partners often find themselves feeling isolated or misunderstood.
For example, in my previous relationship, we often brushed aside issues between us. While that kept things cool on the surface, it also turned the relationship into exactly that—on the surface level.
Over time, these issues worked like an earthquake, as the small cracks underneath widened and widened until they became undeniable gaps. With gaps like these, it’s no wonder we couldn’t connect.
Not in the way we felt satisfied and fulfilled.
Which brings me to my next point…
8) Not Feeling Understood
This is probably the closest way to describing the feeling that something is missing.
The truth is that a relationship feels complete when it fulfills the one thing we humans crave more than anything else – to be seen and heard.
For us to feel this way, our partner must have the ability to listen, empathize, and understand the true feelings behind what we’re saying.
Let’s say you’ve been complaining about how your partner is always late to your appointments. But behind that complaint lies an underlying idea that you feel disrespected, that you don’t matter enough.
An emotionally intelligent partner will listen to that (in reality, they won’t always be late if they’re truly emotionally intelligent, but let’s just say they are, for the sake of this discussion).
He’ll know that what you’re saying is that you want more respect.
When that level of understanding is missing, you can feel lonely. That’s how superficial relationships tend to end up feeling — even when you’re together, you still feel lonely.
9) There are a lot of petty arguments
I’m no stranger to petty arguments. I’ve had arguments with my ex about:
- What we’re having for dinner
- A casual remark his friend made
- The way he drives
- The way he parks his car
- The movie to watch on movie night
I’m not proud of it. But I should have known then that this was a sign that our relationship was superficial.
You see, petty means that we’re focusing on the petty. On the superficial. On what doesn’t matter.
Or petty may be a facade for something deeper, but we’re not comfortable expressing those deeper issues.
Either way, both situations indicate a lack of emotional depth.
Couples who have a deep emotional connection have already shifted from an “I” mentality to a “we,” so they’re able to express what they’re feeling healthy.
10) You’re Not Being Yourself When You’re With Them
What if you love your partner, but you’re not being 100% yourself when you’re with them?
I hate to break it to you, but this is another sign that your relationship is still on a superficial level.
In the early days, it’s perfectly normal to try your best. But if you’ve been together for a while and haven’t shown them who you are, all they’re working with is an image.
A relationship can only deepen when there’s authenticity. When you see and accept each other for who you are, not the image you present.
Otherwise, it’s a lie, and it’s unfair to both of you. You’re not giving yourselves a chance for some real, honest love.
11) There’s a Lack of Vulnerability
I’ve talked before about how vulnerability is really important in making an emotional connection. And it’s true.
Think about it—who do you feel the most connected to? With the person you’ve revealed your heart and soul to, right?
As Deepak Chopra said, “Embracing vulnerability allows us to connect deeply with others.”
However, being vulnerable isn’t easy. It takes a lot of courage.
But think of it this way – anything that takes courage is worth exploring. After all, it’s the only way we grow.
Similarly, it’s how a relationship moves to the next level. If you don’t feel the need to share yet, it’s a sign that you’re not ready to take the plunge.
But if you do, it means you’re ready to break down your walls and let someone in, which is the first step toward emotional depth.
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