It would be nice to think that every relationship we enter into will naturally develop into a strong, deep connection.
Unfortunately, this is not the case for everyone. Some relationships falter on the surface level, and do not reach the goal or reach us in depth.
I was once in a relationship like this. While we had a lot of chemistry and common interests, for some reason, I felt like something was missing.
It was emotional depth. A deeper emotional connection that feels more complete and fulfilling.
Looking back, I realize it shouldn’t have taken me so long to find out. Because I should have noticed these red flags that indicate a lack of emotional depth:
1) There is no intimacy outside the bedroom
Let’s start with the chemistry, because it was something I had with my ex. The problem was that any intimacy we shared never went beyond the bedroom.
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This isn’t exactly a good sign. Because it showed that what we had was superficial.
Don’t get me wrong, sexual intimacy is undoubtedly important. But non-sexual intimacy is just as important.
In fact, several studies have already proven that couples who touch each other more (such as back massage, hugging, etc.) tend to be more satisfied with their relationships.
Not to mention, some people need more, like those whose love language is affection.
Imagine that being your love language and rarely receiving it outside the sheets. It would be hard to feel emotionally connected and satisfied, wouldn’t it?
2) It feels more like a convenience than a real option
Does your relationship feel more like an arrangement of convenience than a conscious choice driven by deep connection?
It may have started with strong attraction and a lot of passion, but now it feels like you’re in it just for the sake of it.
Maybe there’s a void you’re trying to fill or it’s better than not being alone.
Whatever the reason, it certainly doesn’t seem like an intentional choice.
If so, you’re probably meeting out of habit or convenience. That’s a glaring red flag, if you ask me.
Because when there is real emotional depth, you will want to spend time together. Not only because it fills time, but because the interaction is meaningful.
Plus, more often than not, when you’re together outside your comfort zone, this next flag also comes up…
3) Your condition is not clear
Are you exclusive or not? Are you just friends with benefits? You may be married, but why do you feel like you’re just roommates?
Ambiguity is a red flag that your relationship lacks emotional depth. When you can’t even define what you mean to the other person, it shows that what you have is superficial.
For me, being in that kind of unclear situation was really difficult. I never knew where I stood. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what he meant to me either.
So, I felt like I was pretty much in limbo – should I take this relationship seriously? Or are we just killing time/playing games? (This is another sign of a superficial relationship, by the way, but more on that later.)
In a deep romantic relationship, you won’t have to ask yourself these questions. You will know without a doubt how much you mean to each other.
4) Your future is unclear
Of course, if you don’t even know where you stand, how can you know what the future holds for your relationship?
Of course, nothing is ever certain. Even the strongest couples can break up. But in a deep romantic relationship, there must be at least some certainty. You should at least be able to envision a future with your partner in it.
When the emotional connection is strong, discussions about the future come naturally. Imagining a life together is not only possible, but exciting.
I knew my husband was the real deal when we openly shared our dreams, goals, and fears about what lay ahead. We had no idea what the future held for us, but we knew we would be there together.
Like I said, you’ll know.
5) Withholding information and lying frequently
There’s not much to explain here, really. When you feel emotionally attached to someone, you don’t want to hurt them, period.
This is what withholding information and lying can do. You can’t even say it’s an accident, because it’s definitely intentional.
Your partner may say he loves you and feels connected to you, but if he does these things, there is clearly a disconnect somewhere.
6) Playing mind games
Mind games may be more subtle than outright withholding and lying, but make no mistake – they are a glaring red flag.
I wish I could say that playing mind games only indicates a lack of emotional depth, yes it may be superficial but at least it’s still benign.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Mind games are far from benign; It’s absolutely devastating.
- Sending mixed signals
- Shadows
- Detailed navigation
- Love bombing
- Guilt tripping
- The silent treatment
- …all designed to keep one partner off balance and unsure.
Not only does this mean you haven’t reached a level of true connection, but it also creates a toxic environment that ensures you never reach that level.
Related : 12 signs your partner’s lack of empathy is undermining the relationship
Because playing mind games on your partner basically means you don’t respect them. Without this basic requirement, you will never achieve emotional depth.
7) There is a lack of communication
Mind games are just one example that shows a lack of communication. But this deficiency can also appear in the ways in which issues remain unaddressed. Or how to completely not touch the base all day.
You see, emotionally attached people are that way because they know how to communicate. They do small acts of communication that keep them connected, such as:
- Address conflicts directly rather than letting them fester
- Do a few check-ins throughout the day
- Be willing to be vulnerable
In relationships that lack this level of communication, partners often find themselves feeling isolated or misunderstood.
For example, in my previous relationship, we often ignored the issues we had. While this kept things peaceful on the surface, it also turned the relationship into exactly that – on a superficial level.
Over time, these issues were like an earthquake, as the small cracks beneath them widened and widened until they became undeniable chasms. With gaps like these, it’s no surprise that we haven’t been able to truly communicate.
Not in the way we felt good and satisfied.
Which takes me to my next point…
8) You don’t feel understood
This is probably the closest way to describe this feeling that something is missing.
The truth is, a relationship feels complete when it meets the one thing we humans crave – to be seen and heard.
In order for us to feel this way, our partner must have the ability to listen, empathize, and understand the feelings behind what we say.
Let’s say you’ve been complaining that your partner is always late for your appointments. But behind that complaint lies the underlying idea that you feel disrespected, that you feel like you’re not important enough.
An emotionally intelligent partner will listen to that (actually, they wouldn’t always delay if they were truly emotionally intelligent, but let’s say they were, for the sake of this discussion).
They’ll know that what you’re really saying is that you want more respect.
When this level of understanding is absent, they can feel lonely. This is ultimately what superficial relationships tend to do – even when you’re together, you still feel lonely.
9) There are a lot of petty arguments
I’m no stranger to petty arguments. I had an argument with my ex about:
What to have for dinner
An offhand remark made by one of his friends
The way he drives
The way he parks his car
What movie to watch on movie night
I’m not proud of that. But I should have known then that that was a sign that our relationship was superficial.
You see, triviality means that we focus on trivialities. on the roof. For what it doesn’t matter.
Or the pettiness could be a front for something deeper, but we’re not comfortable expressing those deeper issues.
Either way, both situations indicate a lack of emotional depth.
Couples who have a deep emotional connection have already shifted from a “me” to a “we” mentality, so they are able to express how they feel in a healthy way.
10) You are not yourself around them
What if you love your partner, but you’re not 100% yourself around them?
I hate to break the news, but this is another sign that your relationship is still on a superficial level.
In the early days, it’s completely normal to put your best foot forward. But if you’ve been together for a while and you haven’t shown them who you really are, all they’re dealing with is really an image.
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A relationship can only deepen when there is authenticity. When you see and accept each other for who you are, and not for the image you present.
Otherwise, it’s a lie, and it’s not fair to both of you. You’re not giving yourselves a chance for some true, honest-to-goodness love.
11) Absence of weakness
I’ve talked previously about how important vulnerability is in achieving emotional connection. And this is true.
Think about it – who do you feel most connected to? To the person to whom you revealed your heart and soul, right?
As Deepak Chopra said: “Embracing vulnerability allows us to connect deeply with others.”
However, being exposed to danger is not easy. It takes a lot of courage.
But think of it this way – anything that calls for courage is worth exploring. After all, this is the only way we grow.
In the same way, this is how a relationship reaches the next level. If you don’t feel like sharing yet, it’s a sign that you’re not yet ready to accept it.
But if you do, boy, that’s the green flag right there. This means that you are willing to tear down your walls and let someone in, which is the first step towards emotional depth.
