High-level manipulators are not your average con artist or skilled player.
They have some tricks up their sleeve that can fool even the most seasoned skeptic. And it’s not what you might expect or even be prepared for.
Many of the most manipulative tactics are not easy to spot on the surface and it’s important to read a little below the surface and look at the finer details.
Let’s dive in and take a look at some of the most cunning mind games that high-level manipulators use.
1) “I don’t remember!”
Selective amnesia is a very cunning tactic that manipulators will pull out of their toolbox when they think they can get away with it:
They pretend not to remember something that happened or something they did. Or they remember a different version of it that works to their advantage or allows them to get away with it.
As mental health author Elizabeth Walker explains:
“Some personalities are easily associated with selective amnesia;
For example, a selfish person may manipulate certain people or circumstances by telling them revised versions of an event, embellishing it with specific information to further their agenda.
2) Slow gaslighting
Gaslighting is the practice of making you doubt your own eyes and ears or twisting what happened to make you feel guilty about the manipulator’s behavior.
But it’s not always obvious or easy to spot.
Slow gaslighting is the practice of slowly undermining your worldview, perceptions, and judgments, starting with small things and gradually working your way up to the big things.
Like a frog boiling in water, it can be very difficult to recognize when it’s happening, but make no mistake:
The manipulator is slowly reframing your perceptions to control you.
3) Love bombing in a lowly way
On the flip side of emotional manipulation is lovebombing: where you’re bombarded with feelings of acceptance, praise, inclusion, and love, all with the ultimate goal of controlling and seducing you. With ecstasy.
This is how people are often drawn to new cults and religious groups.
But love bombing isn’t always straightforward:
It can be very slow.
A high-level manipulator doesn’t just flatter you exaggeratedly or suddenly welcome you into a harmonious and beautiful group.
He does it little by little, sneaking you in with specific compliments and flattery that boost you at your weakest points…
“At first, you may feel safe, reassured, and attracted because grand gestures boost your self-esteem and make you feel important and desirable,” explains psychologist Dr. Alina Tiani.
Regarding flattery:
4) Subtle flattery
A high-level manipulator is highly perceptive:
He identifies your areas of insecurity and then strategically reassures you that you are good enough in these areas.
Later, he can turn the script around and use those same fears against you despite his initial support:
It’s all a way to get closer to you.
Your vulnerability is their ammunition, not true intimacy and empathy.
5) Repetitive Projection
Manipulators engage in projection all the time, often as part of their manipulation efforts.
They may also sneak in this in such a subtle way at first that you’ll have a hard time detecting it unless you have a lot of experience or psychological training.
For example, they may be whiny around you and give you angry looks and when you comment, ask them what’s up, or check-in, they attack you:
“Me? I’m fine! Why are you in such a bad mood?”
As Dr. Cynthia Finney explains:
“People protect their self-esteem by denying characteristics, motivations, or feelings that they find threatening while seeing the same characteristics in someone else.”
6) Ignoring
Ignoring, also known as the silent treatment, is another tactic used by high-level manipulators.
The silent treatment isn’t exactly a one-size-fits-all thing, of course, but the key here is perfect timing:
High-level manipulators are adept at pulling someone’s attention away from them completely when they know someone likes them.
Once they’ve gained your trust and affection, they distance themselves. It’s a sick mind game, but they’re certainly good at it.
7) The “Poor Me” Trick
Playing the victim is another common manipulator tactic, but high-level manipulators take it to new levels that will destroy you if you’re not prepared.
One of their most clever strategies is to act like they don’t want pity while subtly making sure you notice how hard they’re having a time.
They wait for guilt to eat you up so you can crawl over and submit to their control.
Mission accomplished.
“By acting like the vulnerable, hurt party, you give the person the opportunity to inflict guilt on them,” explains psychotherapist Erin Leonard, Ph.D.
“A person may use hardship as a reason to take advantage of someone’s kindness.”
This ties into the following point:
8) Passive-Aggressive Guilt
Passive guilt is like a hedgehog:
It looks harmless when you approach it until it gets upset and its spikes poke your hand in.
A gravity manipulator will guilt you in a very passive-aggressive way, acting like it’s no big deal and then getting very angry and blaming you the next time you see it.
You can never predict what emotional trajectory it will take the next time you interact with it:
So you start to fall into a pattern of pleasing and complying if you’re not careful.
9) Triangulation (not as cool as it sounds)
Triangulation is another very nasty trick that a high-level manipulator sometimes uses, especially in romantic relationships.
It’s a form of bullying to get what they want and make someone else feel scared or crazy.
As Darius Sekanavicius explains:
“Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often someone with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into the relationship to stay in control.”
Whenever a problem or some kind of issue arises in the relationship, the manipulator refers to “his new friend Andy” or “Dr. Davis,” his new therapist.
This person says it’s not what you say! He agrees with the manipulator. It turns out you’re the problem!
What a coincidence, right?
10) Creating Classic Double Bindings
Manipulators love to create a framework in which you are both constrained and controlled.
In economics, this is done in stores, online, and in many other areas by creating a funnel or mechanism to direct people toward one or more predetermined outcomes.
In the grocery store, for example, snacks are placed at the checkout to take advantage of the brain’s instinct for instant gratification and impulse.
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By creating situations where both outcomes are bad, manipulators will do their best to trap you in a lose-lose situation:
They sometimes do this as a form of punishment if you don’t comply with their demands and other desires.
As Dr. Sweets Williams explains:
“A double bind is a situation where a person has a choice between two options, usually, but whichever one they choose, they lose…”
11) Minimizing Crises and Problems
High-level manipulators don’t tend to show much empathy, at least not toward anyone other than themselves.
They tend to minimize the crises and struggles that other people are going through.
It can be as simple as being impatient with someone else’s struggles or bad moods, or as subtle as questioning someone’s struggles:
“I doubt your friend is addicted to cocaine. He just feels entitled and wants to waste his life.”
And so…
As psychology writer Monica Brown notes:
“Manipulators downplay the target’s feelings or fears, making him feel as though his feelings or experiences are invalid or unimportant.”
