Unfortunately, falling in love with a narcissist does happen and it helps to know what to expect when you end up dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
Part of me feels resistant when it comes to writing this article. I don’t want to give this relationship more energy than I already have.
At the same time, sharing may allow one of you to recognize yourself in a relationship with a narcissist and leave sooner rather than later.
I met M when he came to one of my hypnosis workshops. He arrived a few minutes late and immediately, I felt this strange attraction that I realize only exists between soulmates. At the end of the event, once everyone had left, he was still there.
We talked about hypnosis and talked about his passion for the occult. I happened to have printed out my astrological chart the day before and gave it to him. We discussed how amazing it was to meet someone who was both a scientist and a spiritualist.
He was single, two years younger, kind, intelligent, well-traveled, tall and successful. He made me feel special, beautiful and seen. We talked until midnight and the next day, he came back with a composite chart of our planets showing their compatibility. I felt that way.
We liked the same things. We were both from Europe. They are both looking for a fun and respectful relationship. We had crazy chemistry. We started dating right away.
The first months were great. Lots of travel. He loved to travel and had the means to take me with him. Road trips and flights: Napa, Vegas, Monterey, Death Valley, New Orleans – it was magical. We were playing video games on the plane, watching movies, talking, or doing nothing. Everything was fine when we were together, and I missed him terribly when we weren’t.
Unfortunately, our relationship was only a part-time relationship. He had recently divorced and had a four-year-old to take care of forty percent of the time. He was also a high-ranking executive and sometimes had to work long hours. I can understand all of that.
What I couldn’t understand was why he wouldn’t talk on the phone instead of texting, why he would ignore me when I shared how appalled I was by his reckless driving, and why when it came to choosing a restaurant, he would just reject my choice to go with him later.
Most of all, I couldn’t understand why I felt so miserable in a relationship with a man I loved who also loved doing the things I loved. I felt like a spoiled brat.
Here he is taking me to amazing places, treating me like a princess and I was complaining because he drove a little too close to me for my comfort? After all, he said, our planets were in perfect conjunction and we had this obvious direct connection.
As the months passed, I fell more and more in love, and felt more and more exhausted. I was going from ecstasy to misery.
One day he was the man of my dreams, the next I knew I had to move on and leave fast.
He was never physically or emotionally abusive. At least, I can’t define it clearly. He was a busy man with a young daughter and could only give me what he could. I tried to talk to him, but he was the king of avoidance.
I felt used more than I liked.
After nine months of relationship, I finally decided to send him an email with some points I wanted us to discuss. He pretended to be dead and I didn’t hear from him for the next six weeks.
After I told him how much I missed him, he suddenly reappeared and tried to go back to how things were. The change was that I took the opportunity during those six weeks to reconnect with myself and become stronger.
When we started dating again, the old feelings came back, more present than ever. One day I was in love, the next every inch of my body was tense and sore.
We planned a five-day weekend to reconnect and I was looking forward to spending time in his arms, discovering new places, visiting wineries, walking on the beach, and enjoying delicious meals together, but at the same time I wasn’t sure what to expect.
From day one, my back hurt excruciatingly. Sciatica has been a thing of the past, but I’ve barely encountered it since my divorce seven years ago. I would wake up coughing for no reason, and I knew that was always a sign of stress for me. I was on vacation in a wonderful place and I was feeling suffocated.
When I mentioned this to him, his response was that my planets were not in the best position to support me at that moment. By the end of the weekend, I asked the universe or God to send me a message, a message telling me what to do.
My wish was fulfilled.
Our argument starts from scratch: how speed is measured in the US versus Australia. For the first time, he told me frankly that I was wrong and silly for thinking I was right. The word “narcissistic reaction” came to mind and it felt real. Apparently he didn’t even know the word.
I explained that he is a person who believes he is superior and is always right, and I gave some examples of famous narcissists. His reaction was amazing: “Every strong man is that way.”
I told him it was painful. His response was that this is not a problem for the narcissist. Finally, she mentioned that people with narcissistic personality disorder often do so because they are incapable of feeling emotions or empathy.
“What kind of feeling?” Asked.
“Love, for example.”
“Love is a disease” were his words.
In that moment, I knew I was done. A person who does not feel the beauty of love cannot be a part of my life.
I broke up with him immediately and spent the next weeks fighting with myself, avoiding contacting him to apologize for something I hadn’t done.
After a few weeks, I realized a lot of things about narcissism, and here are these 11 lessons about falling in love with a narcissist.
- No one is immune to the attraction of a narcissist
I am a coach and hypnotherapist. I have helped over a thousand clients heal from past traumas and raise their self-confidence. Many of my clients have been victims of narcissistic interactions. I’m aware of the pattern and it may be what allowed me to leave faster than most.
However, that didn’t stop me from being attracted to one of them. Narcissists can be the most charming partners…at first. Don’t be fooled.
- Narcissists are attracted to partners who are intelligent, educated, strong, and sensitive
They love the chase, the game and winning against all odds. There will be no fun controlling prey that is already half dead. They tend to be attracted to women (or men) who are strong and confident. Their happiness comes from challenge.
As he said during one of our conversations: “Women want to be happy. Men want to win.” Let me translate: Loving people want to be happy; Narcissists want to win.
- He gave me several hints but I chose to ignore them
Over the eleven months we spent together, there was evidence. Lots of clues. Why didn’t I see them? I don’t know.
Our schedule was based on his calendar and desires, never mine. He never introduced me to his friends and actually told me he didn’t have any. Little by little, he isolated me from my friends. He told me that we would always stay in touch no matter what and that I had no other choice.
He even told me that his mission on this planet is to be “God’s gift to women.” I thought he was joking. He seemed to actually believe it, and seemed surprised that I couldn’t see the truth in his statement.
- He was never overtly mean or dismissive
Narcissists usually aren’t until they know you’re a drug addict. He never told me I was wrong, ugly or stupid. The opposite in fact. He often told me that I was beautiful and smart.
Although on the other hand, he questioned my opinions. He blamed the “planets” for being the cause of my sadness, fatigue, or unhappiness. If he had criticized me, I would have seen it, but it was never my fault. Just a Mercury retrograde, which leads to misunderstandings, or a void Moon, of course, which makes things blurry.
Physical abuse is easy to recognize. Emotional abuse can be hidden. If you are a sensitive and caring person, you may try to justify unacceptable behavior.
If what he said hurt you, ask yourself: “What would happen if he used his hands instead of his words?” If you feel violence, leave!!!
- My friends saw what I couldn’t see
I kept in touch with most of my girlfriends. Obviously I saw them less because we were traveling a bit. Some asked me to leave, but most did not want to influence my decision.
I knew I had their support no matter what. Talking to them allowed me to hear my words from another perspective. If your loved ones are telling you to pay attention…pay attention!
They want what’s best for you. And please stay in touch with people you know support you.
- My body was telling me the truth
The pain in my body, the cough, the back pain, and the fatigue were all signs that something was out of sync. I just need to listen. My body had to scream really loudly for me to listen, but in the past, I would wait until I got sick, so I guess this was progress.
If you’re in a relationship and feel sick or extremely tired for no apparent reason, your body may be telling you that you’re not compatible with yourself. He listens!
Related:
- A narcissistic partner can be your soulmate
We knew each other from the moment we met. There was this amazing attraction that only exists in a soulmate relationship. This doesn’t mean we had to be or stay together. We needed to learn from each other.
Soulmate Connections is here to help you grow. Some soulmate relationships are meant to last, others aren’t.
I learned from this relationship that I could say no, that I was stronger than ever, and that I loved myself too much to accept being treated in a way that wasn’t good.
- You can’t change it
I know because I tried. M was a narcissist, or at least a man with strong narcissistic tendencies, which means he loved himself first and was convinced he was right.
I tried to ask, to wonder, to argue, to love, but nothing worked. Not because my message wasn’t strong, but because he didn’t want to hear it. No one can change anyone against their will.
Narcissists strongly believe they are right. So why do they change for you?
- You can’t fit into their box
He placed this box in front of me. Maybe if I acted happier, said something smarter, was kinder, or stayed away, he would like me. But no matter how I acted, he couldn’t love me because the only person he was able to love was himself. Such a fashionable style.
I tried to fit into a similar box during my 20-year marriage and most of my childhood with my mother. Once I recognized the pattern, I knew I had to leave.
- If his heart is closed, it is not your job to open it
Talking about boxes, looking into his heart. Is he extroverted, loving, or connected? Or is it a metal box that no one can enter?
The narcissist is incapable of empathy, care, or true love. He will only be kind, gentle, and generous if it serves him. Most of the time, it is the way it is for very good reasons. If you are a sensitive and caring person, there is a good chance that you will want to help him open his heart.
This is not your job. He will not open his heart to you. No one can make someone change unless they want to. And he doesn’t want that.
In his eyes, he is perfect the way he is.
- The only way out is self-love
I couldn’t change him, and he didn’t care about my love. The only approval he needs is his own.
Today, I realize that the only way out is to claim that I am worthy, valuable, and lovable. I needed to be stronger than the doubt I had allowed to create in my mind. Today, I stopped trying to fit into a box that wasn’t mine. It’s time to be free and break the box.
This is my life and I have the right to love and appreciate myself. Narcissistic reaction? No, I just know that I am enough and that in order to love others I must love myself first.
A few questions before we finish. Where are you in your relationships? In a box that is not yours or on top of which you are dancing for joy? Do you love yourself more than anything? Do you value your opinion, your feelings, and what your body is telling you? Do you love yourself enough to let go of someone who makes you doubt yourself?
