Why do narcissists lie? Because they suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That’s the short answer.
Their fragmented sense of self means they lack personal values, and they view everything as an opportunity to win the game of life.
For them, lying is a tool to achieve victory, regardless of who is hurt. While most people feel guilty after lying due to conflicting morals, narcissists don’t feel such conflict.
Lying is part of their routine to maintain a false self-image. If you know a narcissist, expect deception.
Here are 11 examples of the lies they use to control others.
1. You’re the most amazing person you’ve ever met
Those in a relationship with a narcissist will hear statements like this within the first few weeks of meeting.
It’s part of the love bombing phase, and it involves the narcissist saying and doing things to their partner to make them feel extraordinary.
Comments like this are overwhelming, and if you really like someone, such endearing terms can quickly draw you in.
This is the narcissist’s main goal: to make you fall deeply and passionately in love with him, and once you’re no longer useful to him, he’ll dump you.
Unfortunately, as sweet as these words sound, they don’t contain any truth, and should serve as a red flag when you first start dating someone.
They don’t know you, and until you spend significant time with someone, you don’t really know if they’re the most amazing person you’ve ever met.
2. I’ve been so let down, I feel abandoned
Pathological narcissists place painfully unrealistic demands on their partners. They’ll do things like call you at work and tell you that you need to be home in an hour.
They know full well that even if you leave the office as soon as you hang up the phone, it will take you two hours to get back.
They’ll then accuse you of being unavailable and unable to meet their needs. If you ever dare to put your needs first, you’re the selfish one who relishes their disappointment.
A narcissist will throw a tantrum similar to a five-year-old if they don’t get what they want every time.
3. I promise I’ll change
You reap what you sow in life, and eventually, like Humpty Dumpty, the narcissist takes a big fall.
Either they get caught stealing, cheating, or engaging in other heinous activities. When this happens, their partner will leave them, the spouse will file for divorce, or family members will threaten to ostracize them.
At this point, the begging begins. The narcissist will promise to change, will agree to counseling, and will say anything to get themselves out of the mess they’ve created.
According to psychologist Steven Johnson, the narcissist has no intention of changing, and their cry for help is just an escape plan.
Once they’ve freed themselves from their bondage, narcissists will revert to their old ways.
4. I’ve never lied in my life, so why would I lie to you?
The entire statement is a lie because one of narcissists’ greatest skills is lying. They lie so much that they believe their own lies.
Anytime a narcissist thinks they’ve been caught in a lie, or if someone points out to them that what they’re saying now contradicts what they said an hour ago, they will flatly deny that any such contradiction occurred.
In fact, they will give such an Oscar-worthy performance that the other person will start to wonder if they heard correctly.
5. My Ex Was Totally Obsessed With Me
Narcissists will do anything to cover their tracks even if their ex wasn’t technically their ex because they’ve been sleeping together since they met you.
A narcissist will make sure they’ve covered all their bases by telling you that their ex is obsessed with them.
Then they start making up lies about the person, like they were bombarding them with phone calls, or showing up at the office and threatening to tell their new partner that they were cheating, etc.
The narcissist has now built the perfect wall of defense around themselves, so when they are finally caught, their partner is more likely to believe them.
6. This relationship ended because of you
One of the many things a narcissist will never do is take responsibility for their actions.
Instead, they will play the deflection game and make their victim believe that everything that happened was their fault.
When the narcissist decides that they have reached the elimination stage, they will come up with all the reasons why the relationship broke down because of their partner’s actions.
Some of what they say may be true and the narcissist may have pepper-sprayed it, but overall, they will pile a bunch of unjustified lies on their partner before walking away.
7. Narcissists Lie About Their Job Title and Earnings
One thing narcissists will do when they meet someone new is lie about their job title and earnings.
They may be a 21-year-old intern accountant, but they will tell their lover a story about how they graduated college early because they are so smart.
Then he was promoted to director of the company because of his advanced knowledge. The director was so impressed with his leadership skills that he was made director two years after he started working.
This may seem reasonable because the narcissist drives a nice car and lives in a fancy apartment, but what you don’t know is that he owes $100,000 on a credit card because he refuses to cut his coat to size.
Possessing material possessions and status is another lie that narcissists use to lure their victims in, and for the unwary person wearing rose-colored glasses, this usually works.
8. I’m Busy Right Now
Narcissist Lie #8 The narcissist always wants to make their victims beg for more.
Statements like this usually come after the love bombing phase. They know they’ve hooked their victim, so now it’s time for them to show their true colors, which is referred to as the devaluation phase.
Their partner used to see them at 6 p.m. every Friday night.
They arranged the meeting, cooked dinner, and sat with a glass of wine waiting for the doorbell to ring at 6 p.m. By 6:30 p.m., he hadn’t shown up. She called several times, but he didn’t answer the phone.
When he finally decided to answer, her answer to the question was,
“Where are you? I thought we were having dinner tonight,” “I’m busy…” Click!
There was no apology or explanation, and in the meantime, he was sitting at home with his feet up, watching Netflix, popping popcorn into his mouth.
She looked at the phone in confusion, racking her brain, trying to think of what she could have done to upset him. In the end, she came down to the fact that he must have had a bad day and didn’t want to talk about it.
The cycle had just begun, and his girlfriend now desperately wanted to get back in his good books so she could experience all the love and attention he used to give her.
9. I’m Out With Friends
You’ve tried calling him in an emergency, or he was supposed to pick you up from your mom’s house at 8 p.m. Whatever the reason, he’s not answering, so you have to figure it out yourself.
When you finally get a chance to talk to him and ask where he’s been, his response is, “I was with my friends.” Again, this is another strategy used during the demeaning phase.
Up until this point, he’s never missed a date or a date, and he’s always been there for you. Now, all of a sudden, he’s cold to you; what’s up?
Telling you he was out with his friends is the narcissist’s way of asserting his superiority over you.
He wants you to know that he doesn’t need you; he’s wanted and has plenty of friends who need his attention. In other words, if you don’t give me what I want when I want it, I’ll replace you.
10. I’m Just Checking Up?
You’ve been dating a narcissist for six months; everything seemed to be going great and then he suddenly disappeared. He stopped responding to your texts and stopped calling you but never told you the relationship was over.
What actually happened is that he found someone he thought was better than you and lived with them.
When the replacement’s performance deteriorated, he randomly texted you to ask how you were doing.
This is referred to as “narcissistic cleaning”; be warned, a narcissist isn’t reconnecting with you because he’s realized how much he loves you and wants to reignite your relationship.
The real reason is that he’s low on narcissistic supply and knows you’re an easy target.
11. My Ex Was a Bad Person
This lie likely started early in the relationship, and is one of many protection strategies narcissists have.
The truth is, many narcissists will have a bad reputation for how they treat people. Depending on how long they’ve lived in a certain area, word has been around town that they’re some kind of psychopath.
So, to give themselves some wiggle room when their partner starts hearing the local gossip, they’ve already prepared an alibi. You’ll hear something like,
“Now, who are you going to believe, I already told you my ex was a piece of shit and they were spreading rumors about me.”
Since you don’t know how a narcissist works, and you don’t know how to tell when a narcissist is lying, it’s going to be very hard for you not to believe them.
You’ll fight tooth and nail to defend your partner regardless of the evidence when rumors are brought up.
FinalThoughtsOnTheLiesNarcissistsUseToControlYou
Whether you’re a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, friend, or family member of a narcissist, recognize these lies because you’re going to hear something similar at some point in your relationship.
Even if you’re not planning on leaving, having a deep understanding of the lies a narcissist tells and the way they use them to control you will help you with your protection strategy.
Or maybe you’ve just started dating a narcissist and suspect something isn’t right because you’ve caught them off guard with a few lies.
If some of these fairy tales sound familiar, you may want to consider moving on because it will only get worse.
The bottom line is that a narcissist will lie until they decide they are ready to change. In some cases, this may never be the case, so if you are not thinking about walking away now, be prepared for a lifetime of lies.
