We usually choose our partners based on a list of qualities we want – our deal makers. Things like trustworthiness, sense of humor, intellect, stability, and many more positive traits.
But just as important are these great deal-breaking qualities — things we would never tolerate in any partner.
This can vary from person to person, but researchers have now narrowed down some undesirable traits that are very common across a wide range of people.
What are the worst deal breakers? Join me as I delve into what research has to say about it. Let’s dig deeper!
1) Indifference
A new study in Personality and Individual Differences focused on relationship deal-breakers and found that this trait tops the list, especially in long-term relationships.
It’s easy to see why. No one wants to be with a partner who doesn’t make them feel valued or understood.
The problem with a partner who can care less is that it will be difficult to get them to address the issues you bring up.
They won’t go out of their way to make you feel special – not in terms of affection, support, or communication. They probably won’t share that in your life.
So what does all this lead to? Lack of emotional connection, which makes you feel lonely and isolated.
And if you feel that way, there’s no reason to stay with that person, right?
2) clinging
Now, what if your partner is on the other end of the spectrum? What if they are overly clingy rather than careless? Instead of not worrying, do you have too much of it?
Apparently, this is also one of the most important factors for penetration.
In fact, in the context of long-term relationships, it is one of the best repellents for women with a higher mating value (translation: higher self-esteem).
If you have a clingy partner, you probably know how suffocating it can feel. I had a boyfriend who was very clingy, and he really quelled the spark I had about him in a matter of months.
At first, I appreciated the constant company, but as time went on, I began to lose my independence because he wouldn’t let me do anything on my own.
The constant quest for attention and reassurance made it hard for me to have my own space and time. And those two things to me are non-negotiable.
He pushed me up a wall to the point where I couldn’t get my precious space.
So, what I learned from that experience is, yeah, clinginess is a deal breaker for me.
And based on the research, many people agree!
3) be gross
Ah, rudeness. Being disheveled or unclean seems to matter a lot.
I mean, it’s pretty significant that she landed on our list of deal-breakers for short- and long-term relationships and for both men and women!
I get it. Thankfully, I’ve never had a partner with grooming issues, but I can very well imagine what it would be like to sleep next to someone who doesn’t smell good.
Or to keep the house well with someone who doesn’t mind leaving dishes piled in the sink.
I bet that would feel disgusting and unacceptable – you would live in constant fear of germs and pathogens! Which is why it is already a bad deal.
So take a cue from that – practice good hygiene and keep yourself clean. You don’t want bad hygiene habits to keep you from sharing life with someone amazing!
4) Addiction
The study not only delved into why addiction is such a common deal-breaker, but it’s also understandable given the complexities of the disease.
Although research has already shed light on the nature of addiction as a disease, many people still see it as a character flaw or weakness.
The stigma associated with addiction has persisted to this day despite advances in our understanding of addiction (and mental illness as well).
5) mixing
Here’s another deal breaker with a lot of assumptions attached to it. The number of a person’s previous sexual partners seems to influence their perceived level of attractiveness.
According to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, both men and women find someone less attractive if they have a more exhilarating sexual history.
The tricky thing is – people want a partner who has a little bit of a past, but not too much.
Obviously, other factors, such as age, influence this. For example, a 35-year-old had more previous sexual partners than a 21-year-old.
But in general, the magic number seems to be three. More than that and people will start to wonder if it is worth pursuing the relationship.
This may be due to issues such as fear of STDs, trust issues, concerns about emotional attachment, or simply different values.
6) Lack of ambition/motivation
Why is lack of motivation a problem for so many people?
Well, because, like mixing, it highlights mismatches of values.
When you are looking for a potential life partner, you want someone to plan the future with. You want someone with the same ability to grow, both personally and professionally.
And if your partner lacks ambition and drive, you will likely end up working twice as hard to achieve your financial goals.
The thought of having to carry someone else’s heavy weight is enough to scare people.
7) Abuse and anger issues
According to studies led by psychologist Peter Jonasson, a partner who is abusive or has anger issues is the better deal when it comes to long-term relationships.
First, what exactly does the abuse involve? It’s not just about physical abuse; It can also include emotional, verbal, or even financial abuse.
Needless to say, it can be incredibly detrimental to a relationship. This can cause the victim to feel insecure, unloved, and insignificant, and can lead to long-term emotional scars.
And let’s not forget anger issues. Everyone gets angry from time to time, but if someone has persistent anger issues, this can be a huge problem in the relationship.
It can lead to frequent arguments, emotional outbursts, and a general feeling of unease and tension in the relationship.
So, for most people, these two are red flags telling them to stay away.
8) Being slimy
This is another flashing red flag to watch out for, though it’s largely in the context of flirting and short-term relationships.
The presence of a viscous approach was shown in a Greek sampling study by Menelaos Apostolou and Chrysovalanto Eleftheriou as a deal-breaker in courtship situations.
What does being slimy mean exactly?
Well, do you know those people who give you an uneasy feeling? They give off aura, deceit, hypocrisy, or manipulation.
It’s a real turn-on in the context of flirting and dating because people generally want to feel like the person they’re interacting with is real. They want to be treated with respect and concern.
By contrast, the sticky method does the opposite — it makes you feel confused and uncertain about the person’s intentions. You may even feel disrespected and violated.
9) Unattractiveness
A 2022 study conducted in Hungary listed a lack of physical attractiveness as one of the factors influencing subjects’ engagement.
This is totally understandable because of course we gravitate towards people we find attractive.
But the interesting thing about this agreement is that it can be bypassed if the person has too many deal-maker qualities.
For example, there may not be a strong physical attraction, but if the person is intelligent, fun, or trustworthy, this obstacle may be easier to overcome.
Instead of being a deal-breaker, it becomes a “deal-breaker”—a term coined by psychologists Nicole Charlotte and Samantha Joel. Indicates an issue that is usually considered a deal breaker but may not get people out of relationships right away
10) It is not on the same page as the values
This last section covers a lot of ground due to the complexities of both individuals and relationships.
I’ve broached it a bit in discussions about promiscuity and stimulation, but there are so many other areas that a couple can find themselves not quite compatible.
It’s a kind of deal breaker that’s really personal and varies from person to person. Here are some examples:
Finance (various saving and spending habits)
Children (one wants to have children and the other doesn’t)
Social/political/religious values
Unwillingness to compromise
Work life balance
different sexual motives
different social circles
This is by no means an exhaustive list; Like I said, values are intensely personal. What may be unacceptable to you may be acceptable to others.
