One of the reasons it’s so difficult to explain what’s going on when you’re involved with a sociopath is because you don’t have the words.
Due to a general lack of awareness of personality disorders in society, and a lack of education about them, there are no generally accepted terms to describe the different aspects of the experience.
But metalanguage has evolved among online survivor communities. Here is a vocabulary to help you name what you’ve been through. When you can name it, you can begin to recover from it.
- Love bombing
When sociopaths start harassing you, the main seduction strategy is love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection, want to be with you all the time and make you feel like the most important person in the world.
Not all sociopaths engage in love bombing, but many do. They may use this strategy even when the relationship is not romantic, for example, flattering you if you are their boss.
- The goal
That would be you. Sociopaths do not view you as a friend, colleague, or romantic partner, but rather as a target that can be exploited.
When sociopaths meet you, they first evaluate you to determine if you have anything they want, then they find out what your weaknesses are, and then they use your weaknesses to get you to give them what they want.
Related: 8 clever phrases to put a manipulator back in their place, according to psychology
- Foul play
Here’s another key social seduction strategy: pity play. Sociopaths try to make you feel sorry for them. They’ll tell you about their abusive childhoods, their past infidelities, or their dictatorial bosses. Of course, they lie a lot, so the stories may or may not be true.
The bottom line is that sociopaths are deliberately using your empathy against you.
- Jekyll and Hyde
This classic story of a man going from mild-mannered to a monster perfectly describes the behavior of sociopaths. One minute they love you, the next minute they hate you. It changes like flipping a switch, and you have no idea why it happened.
- Gaslighting
In the 1944 film Gaslight, the villain deliberately tries to make his wife feel like she is losing her mind. If you watched the movie you might wonder who does that? Sociologists do this.
Sociopaths will tell you something, and then deny they ever said those words. They will hide things and ask you what you did to them. They will ask you to do something, and after you do it, they ask you why you did it. Their goal is to make you doubt your perceptions.
Related: If a man says these 7 things in conversation, he’s trying to manipulate you
- Flying monkeys
Here’s another movie reference – The Wizard of Oz. In this movie, flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch of the West. Sociopaths often find people doing their dirty work.
Some of these stooges happily go along with the sociopaths’ schemes. But others are manipulated and have no idea they are part of a conspiracy. For example, sociopaths can turn your family members against you without you knowing it.
- Devaluation and ignoring
One day, I was the most important person in the world. But sooner or later, sociopaths will be done with you. They took all your love or money or whatever they wanted, and you are completely exhausted.
Now you’re no longer useful, so sociopaths rationalize that there’s no reason to keep you around. You have been eliminated.
- Smear campaign
As your involvement with sociopaths deteriorates, you may look for support among your friends and family. To your shock, no one believes you.
Long before you realize that sociopaths are toxic, they begin to undermine you along with everyone you know. They wonder aloud about your mental or emotional stability. They tell outrageous stories about how they were wronged, all lies. But they are so convincing that their accusations stick and your support system disappears.
- Hoover
Finally, it’s over. You either run from the sociopaths or you get eliminated. Either way, you’re doing your best to move forward.
Then they came back. Sociopaths, like a vacuum cleaners, are trying to attract you back. They tell you they realize they made a mistake, they treated you badly, they’re sorry, and they’ll never do it again. Don’t fall for it. It’s the same scam, the sequel.
- No connection
The best strategy for escaping and recovering from sociopaths is no contact. Stay away and stay away. Don’t see them, don’t talk to them, don’t message them, don’t visit their Facebook page. Time and distance will help you clear the fog from your head and get back on your feet.
When no contact is not possible — perhaps if you share children with the sociopath — pursue emotional no contact. This means that you understand what it is, that it will not change, and that you no longer allow it to get under your skin.
