Learn how to communicate with narcissistic tendencies and when you may want to consider setting boundaries.

We all want to feel heard, understood, connected and supported in our conversations. But that’s not always the case when you’re talking to someone with narcissistic tendencies.

Whether this person has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or has narcissistic tendencies, knowing what to say (and what not to say) can help you communicate more effectively.

Things to be aware of when talking to someone with narcissistic personality disorder

It is important to note that just because someone has narcissistic personality traits does not always mean they have narcissistic personality disorder.

Experts indicate that only 0% to 5.3% of the population in the United States has BPD, with a higher prevalence among males. But the common traits between people with narcissistic personality disorder and those with narcissistic tendencies are similar.

According to Katie Ziskind, a licensed holistic marriage and family therapist in Connecticut, people with narcissistic tendencies may:

Telling you that you are too sensitive or emotional
Blame others for their mistakes
Refuse to take ownership or responsibility for their actions

Conversations may also be:

One-sided (mostly about themselves)
Focus on material things or superficial topics
Champions
Manipulation
Quick to judge
It’s like they’re talking to you, not to you

Keep in mind that people living with narcissistic personality disorder have a mental health condition that negatively impacts their daily lives and relationships. Narcissistic personality disorder may cause distress to both the individual and those around him.

What should I say to a narcissist?

It’s not always easy to tell if someone has symptoms of narcissism.

If you suspect that someone in your life is displaying narcissistic characteristics, there are ways to talk to them that can be healthy for both of you. While anyone can benefit from healthy communication strategies, remember that not all individuals with narcissistic tendencies may respond the same way.

Keep these 10 tips in mind next time you have a conversation with them.

Be calm and respectful
“When talking to someone with narcissistic personality disorder, use respect and a calm tone of voice,” Ziskind says.

She suggests avoiding:

Talk to them
Underestimating them
Give them a taste of their own medicine
“Don’t try to confront them, correct them, or embarrass them,” adds Christine M. Cooperman, a marriage, family, and trauma therapist in California.

These tactics can backfire and may lead to arguments or more resistance.

Use “I” statements.

Some phrases will be more effective in reaching you than others. This includes “I” statements that highlight your needs, thoughts, and feelings within the relationship.

“Stay focused on sharing how you feel rather than pointing out their flaws,” Ziskind says.

For example, phrases like “I feel like you never heard what I said before” instead of “You never listen to me!” It can start a more productive and empathetic dialogue.

She says people with narcissistic tendencies tend to respond well to the following conversations:

“I feel…”
“I hear…”
“I want…”
“I hope…”

“These are all statements that show self-ownership and self-accountability,” she adds.

Defend yourself

“When talking to someone with narcissistic traits, we often feel that speaking our minds will sound aggressive because we don’t like to upset others,” Cooperman says.

But it’s also important to speak up and assert yourself.

To stand up for yourself, Cooperman suggests knowing your limits, repeating your points, and staying strong in your stance, even if they try to shame you, blame you, or gaslight you.

Enforce boundaries

“No matter how you plan to move forward, your first steps in any relationship should have firm boundaries and boundaries in place to protect you,” Cooperman says.

Note that setting boundaries might look like this:

“I will no longer allow you to talk to me like this.”
“I refuse to engage in this behavior any longer while screaming. Let’s talk and I’ll stay.”
You can also try phrases like: “I won’t continue this conversation if you keep insulting me or belittling my feelings.”

Maintaining your boundaries while using a respectful tone can help keep the discussion healthy and productive.

Avoid certain phrases

The language you use is important when talking to people with narcissistic tendencies. Certain phrases may instantly turn them off and prevent them from listening.

Consider avoiding the phrases “You always…” and “You never…” as well. These statements may cause those with narcissistic traits to become defensive or argumentative.

Remember you are not wrong

People with narcissistic tendencies tend to avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes. As a result, they may try to blame you, even if it is unjustified.

Do your best to stand up for yourself and avoid taking responsibility for something that is not your fault.

Know that you can’t change it

Ultimately, you cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies. So you may not want to spend your time and energy trying to change them or thinking that maybe one day you can. That’s what they are.

Rely on your support system

Talking to people with narcissistic tendencies can be difficult. If the narcissist is your partner, it can be especially upsetting to feel like you don’t connect with them.

Remember to lean on and surround yourself with trusted friends, family members, and loved ones for support.

“Fill your time with people who are healthier and help you feel uplifted and calm,” Ziskind says.

Look for professional help
Getting help from a therapist can also help.

A mental health professional can provide coping tips and more personalized suggestions about how to deal with your unique relationship with the person in your life who has narcissistic personality traits.

Know when to walk away

“Use your coping tools to let the person know that you’re aroused and need to take a break so you can hear their important feelings,” Ziskind says. You can always come back to the conversation later once you both have calmed down.

You may also consider cutting ties if this becomes a pattern that negatively impacts your mental health and well-being.

It’s not always easy to end a relationship with someone you care about, especially if they are a long-term partner, spouse, or loved one.

However, it may be time to walk away from someone with narcissistic tendencies if you feel:

He threatened
Emotionally, verbally, or mentally abused
Disrespected over and over again
Manipulate it
Controlled
Conversations constantly escalate or become heated