The word “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot, and frankly, very few people are clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Some potential clinical diagnoses go undetected because people often do not voluntarily choose to obtain a psychiatric evaluation. Although the symptoms would have to be very severe for such a diagnosis, it is not uncommon for people to display enough narcissistic traits to cause damage.
Children of mothers with narcissistic behaviors are most vulnerable to harm.
Research by Dr. John Bowlby and Dr. Mary Ainsworth has found that the ways in which humans respond, within relationships, when hurt, separated from loved ones, or perceived threat, are a direct result of how attuned their mothers were to them during their formative years.
Because people with narcissistic tendencies are unable to access deep empathy for others, they cannot attune to their children’s needs and internal emotional well-being. As a result, the child grows up and has insecure attachments in his relationships with adults.
Children of narcissists often grow up learning to love others, not themselves. But, if you can only love others, you cannot truly love at all.
Here is a doable, actionable checklist for moving on from your narcissistic parent so you can love yourself:
- Admit that you have problems in your relationship because of your narcissistic mother.
It is your responsibility to heal, not your mother’s. If you remain stuck as a helpless, blameless victim, you may stunt your growth and cause anger-related pathologies.
It is very easy to focus on the narcissist as the problem. But those who are willing to face the pain caused by their dysfunctional behavior, even if it arises through no fault of their own, are the ones who move beyond it.
Related: How You Can (Accidentally) Raise A Narcissist — And How Not To
- Express your anger through words, writing, art, tears, or any other safe outlet.
You can share it with others if it is safe and trustworthy or keep it private. Anger is energy and must be mobilized and purged to restore your health.
Support groups, art therapy, and journaling are among the many ways you can express yourself.
- Don’t avoid your pain with substances or anything that distracts you from feeling the truth.
When you respect your feelings instead of your fears, you can move on to the other side of them, instead of staying stuck in a repetitive, dysfunctional pattern that drains more and more energy over time. - Commitment to regular treatment.
Psychotherapy is one of the most loving jobs you can do for yourself. A therapist who specializes in EMDR, trauma, and attachment therapy is most effective in this work. - Practice not reacting when you are provoked.
This mindfulness step takes time and practice, but it will create one of the most powerful changes for you. Throughout their lives, people with attachment problems have developed repetitive reactions designed to protect them when they were young but to harm them and destroy their relationships as adults.
When things feel emotionally unbearable, do anything (healthy) to feel better but don’t interact with the person who triggered you.
Related: What REALLY Causes People To Become Narcissists
- Spend 10 minutes each journal about your mother’s childhood connection.
Then talk about the ways in which you sympathized with your loved ones more than your mother sympathized with you. Most narcissists did not receive proper attunement from their parents, and more often than not, they were worse than you.
This exercise allows you to see that you (and your mother) are just small parts of something much larger, often something multi-generational, making you feel less alone. It also creates compassion and understanding towards your mother, which releases the anger inside you.
When you see progress and development, you feel less stuck and hopeless. By seeing how you are better than your mother from an evolutionary perspective, it brings satisfaction.
- Find ways to show how you are a narcissist or how you wish you were more narcissistic but don’t allow yourself to be.
This type of psychotherapy creates self-compassion and wholeness by defusing the inner turmoil that comes from unconsciously projecting your fears onto others. - Have a release party.
This is a powerful tool that represents the end of the old and the beginning of the new! You can use symbols of your own and/or your mother’s that you wish to spread, and even burn parts of the writings or pictures. Do it with love, as if it were a funeral. - Choose one practice to create a more stable and nurturing lifestyle.
Because insecure attachments are characterized by a lack of care and stability, you must learn to build them yourself.
Examples include using an aromatherapy diffuser in your home, juicing once a week, buying a new piece of decor or organizing something in your home every couple of months, getting a facial or massage once a month, and many other self-care activities.
