At first, having sex with a narcissist may seem addictive. It’s as if you can’t live without each other. You want to spend all your time in bed pleasuring and enjoying your partner’s body.
But over time, the euphoria fades. Suddenly, excitement is replaced by… discomfort, resentment, shame, and even fear. Even though you know you’re not enjoying sex the way you used to, you’re probably not entirely sure why.
While it is normal to experience ebbs and flows in your sexual life, sex with a narcissist almost always becomes unsatisfying and disappointing. No matter how exciting things seemed before, disappointment can be fierce. Here are ten reasons why.
1 – Sex is all about them
Eventually, they may have devoted time and attention to your needs. They may have made you happy in a way that no one else can match.
But this pattern often indicates love bombing, a common way to “tie” new partners into toxic relationships. When it comes to the early stages of sex, narcissists know how to appear generous and compassionate. They will shower you with love and push you into their world without regard for your feelings.
Once I captured you? Sex becomes completely selfish. They may make moves to keep you barely satisfied, but eventually, they become completely indifferent to your body, sex, or even kissing you. This is because sex is about their needs, desires, and expectations.
2 – They want constant verification
Although it may seem paradoxical, narcissists have terrible notions of self-worth. This is why they rely on sex and romance to maintain their narcissistic stock.
This need for verification can be done in several ways. For example, they may seek constant approval of how “satisfied” they are with you. Or they may subtly seek praise for their appearance or performance. But, it won’t take long to realize that although they want your opinion on their performance, they’re not using your feedback to get closer to you. They often use your feedback to ensure they perform well for other supplies in the pipeline.
3- Sex is just a game
What does sex mean to you? Is it a way to connect and connect with someone you love? Does it create a sense of strong intimacy between you and your partner?
Now think about what sex might mean to a narcissist. For them, it’s not about bonding, communicating, or building intimacy. Instead, it’s about “winning the game.” From this perspective, you are nothing more than a pawn in their quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction.
Sex is just one of the many ways they inflate their ego. So, when they sleep with you, it’s all about maintaining and restoring their ego, not creating a strong feeling of love.
4- Monogamy is optional
Do you think your partner is completely committed to you? Think again.
Many narcissists are known for cheating on their partners. The premise here is simple: they want what they want, and if they wish for someone else, they don’t care about the proper rules about fidelity.
Furthermore, they often engage in manipulative tactics, such as monkey branching, to ensure they get the best of both worlds. With this strategy, they may appear to be monogamous, but they are always looking for new supplies. So, even if you think things are going well in the relationship, they are ready to come to the rescue whenever the right opportunity arises.
5 – They will shame your desires and preferences
Have you ever revealed a secret fantasy or desire to your narcissistic partner? Did you finally do it after they urged you to get information? If so, how did they react after your big reveal?
A typical narcissist’s reaction might be:
He laughs at you or calls you silly.
Calling you a slut, a slut, or any other derogatory term for having this desire.
Talking about them (isn’t having sex with me good enough in itself?).
Giving in to their desire and then expecting you to constantly thank them for it.
Gaslighting you into believing that you are a selfish person with needs.
All of these responses undoubtedly diminish you and make you feel inferior and inferior. This will often apply even after you have expressed that you do not necessarily wish to participate in these preferences. It’s all a way to manipulate your emotions and keep your focus on their needs.
6 – You know it’s being compared to porn
Many narcissists are addicted to porn. Unfortunately, they often confuse real-life sex with fantasy land. Therefore, they assume that their partners must match the energy, looks, and taste of pornstars!
This comparison, of course, can be devastating for partners. After all, it’s impossible to compete with these fabricated narratives about what sex is (and what it isn’t).
Keep in mind that narcissists often downplay or lie about their porn consumption. But you’ll likely know they’re watching excessive porn if:
Suddenly they want to have different types of sex without any real explanation.
They have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection.
They no longer have as much interest in having sex.
They don’t seem to “look at you” when having sex.
They masturbate more frequently.
7- They prevent sex
Narcissists like to change the rules just to keep their sexual partners on their toes. So, in the space of one week, you two might be having a lot of amazing sex. But next? It’s radio silence. Not only that, but they may break when you try to initiate sex.
So, what gives?
Abstinence can be an insidious form of devaluation, and narcissists use it because they know it makes you doubt your reality. They also know that it will likely make you feel insecure or extremely shy, which keeps them feeling in control.
Sometimes, the narcissist has a legitimate reason not to have sex. But more often than not, they will be intentionally vague. If confronted, they will likely respond by saying something like:
I just haven’t been in a good mood lately.
I have a lot of ideas.
We have tons of sex. Why are you so pushy?
I just need some space.
I need to think about things.
These ambiguous responses have one thing in common: they make you feel like you’ve done something wrong (even when you know you haven’t). Thus, this often perpetuates a pattern of you trying to read the narcissist’s mind, all while knowing that nothing you do will be good enough.
8 – Sex feels like a huge chore
Maybe you “put up” with sex because you don’t want to disrupt the status quo. But when you do, nothing is satisfying. Instead, maybe you’re boiling!
Although sex may not always seem explosive, it certainly shouldn’t feel like an item you have to check off your to-do list. If so, some serious issues need to be addressed in the relationship.
Unfortunately, expressing your feelings is likely to backfire. As you know, narcissists don’t handle comments well. They will likely attack you for any criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad person.
9 – They will not commit
You may continue to have sex with a narcissist, hoping it will lead to something more. Maybe they keep promising about a relationship or marriage. but in fact? Nothing happens.
What’s going on?
Narcissists will tell you everything you want to hear to get what they want. So, if they know you want a committed relationship or marriage, they may make offhand remarks about these topics just to keep you wanting more.
Of course, these statements have no real substance behind them. A narcissist will always do things on his or her own terms. So, if they’re not willing to commit, it won’t change until they decide it needs to change. But in the meantime, when it comes to sex, they will undoubtedly continue to have their cake and eat it too!
10- They abuse you sexually
Sexual assault is one of the most damaging and devastating consequences associated with having sex with a narcissist. The American Psychological Association (APA) classifies sexual assault as any unwanted sexual activity undertaken through force, threat, or inability to provide clear consent.
When it comes to narcissists and sex, this abuse can look like this:
Insisting that you don’t love them if you don’t have sex with them.
Threatening to damage your reputation or “break up with you” if you don’t have sex.
Feeling guilty for having sex because you don’t want blue balls or other types of discomfort.
Trying to weaken your motivation by encouraging you to drink heavily.
Trying to cajole you or feeling guilty for having sex because they “need” to feel connected.
Remember, sexual assault is never your fault and is never acceptable! Healthy relationships require trust and respect. Sexual assault violates these basic concepts and can seriously harm your physical and emotional well-being.
