At first, sex with a narcissist may seem addictive. It’s like you can’t live without each other. You want to spend all your time in bed, enjoying and enjoying your partner’s body.

But over time, the euphoria wears off. And suddenly, excitement is replaced by … irritation, resentment, shame, and even fear. While you know that you don’t enjoy sex as much as you once did, you probably aren’t quite sure why.

While it is normal to experience ebbs and flows in your sex life, sex with a narcissist almost always turns out to be unsatisfying and disappointing. No matter how exciting things get once, disappointment can be fierce. Here are ten reasons why.

1 – Sex is all about them
At some point, they may have devoted time and attention to your needs. They may have made you happy in a way that no one else can match.

But this pattern often indicates love bombing, a common way to “hook” new partners into toxic relationships. When it comes to the early stages of sex, narcissists know how to appear generous and compassionate. They will feed you with love and have you in their world without regard for your feelings.

And once your family? Sex becomes completely selfish. They may go through the motions to keep you barely satisfied, but eventually become completely indifferent to your body, your sex, or even kissing you. That’s because sex is about their needs, wants, and expectations.

2 – They want constant verification
As contradictory as it may sound, narcissists have terrible notions of self-worth. This is why they rely on sex and romance to keep their narcissistic supply going.

This need for validation can lead in several ways. For example, they may seek constant approval of “how good they are with you.” Or they may subtly hunt for compliments on their appearance or performance. But, it doesn’t take long to realize that even though they want your opinion on their performance, they aren’t using your feedback to get close to you. They will often use your feedback to make sure they are performing well relative to other supplies in the pipeline.

3 – Sex is just a game
What does sex mean to you? Is it a way to connect and connect with someone you love? Does it create a sense of strong intimacy between you and your partner?

Now think about what sex might mean to narcissists. For them, it’s not about bonding, connecting, or building intimacy. Instead, it is about “winning the game”. From this framework, you are nothing more than a pawn in their quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction.

Sex is just one of the many ways they inflate their egos. So, when they sleep with you, it’s all about preserving and restoring their ego – not creating a strong feeling of love.

4 – Monogamy is optional
Do you think your partner is fully committed to you? Think again.

Many narcissists are notorious for cheating on their partners. The premise here is simple: They want what they want, and if they want someone else, they don’t care about proper rules regarding fidelity.

Furthermore, they often engage in manipulative tactics, such as monkey-braking, to ensure they get the best of both worlds. With this strategy, they may present as monogamous, but they are always on the lookout for fresh supplies. So even if you think things are going well in the relationship, they are getting ready to move out when the right opportunity presents itself.

5 – They store your desires and preferences
Have you ever disclosed an imaginary or secret desire to your narcissistic partner? Did you finally do it after they urged for a tip? If so, how did they respond after your big reveal?

The typical narcissist may react by:

Laughing at you or calling you silly.
Calling you a slut, a whore, or any other derogatory term for having this desire.
Made it about them (so having sex with me isn’t good enough on its own?).
Giving in to your desire and then expecting you to continually thank them for it.
It highlights you for believing that you are selfish for your needs.
All of these responses undoubtedly cut you off and make you feel unimportant and inferior. This will often apply even after you have expressed that you do not necessarily want to share these preferences. It’s a way to manipulate your feelings and keep you focused on their needs.

6 – You know you are compared to porn
Many narcissists are addicted to porn. Unfortunately, they often confuse real-life sex with fantasy. Therefore, they assume that their partners must match the energy, looks, and enthusiasm of the pornstars!

This comparison, of course, can be devastating for partners. After all, it’s impossible to compete with these fabricated narratives about what sex is (and what it isn’t).

Keep in mind that narcissists often minimize or lie about their consumption of pornography. But you can probably tell they watch excessive porn if:

Suddenly they want to engage in different kinds of sex without any real explanation.
They have trouble getting or maintaining an erection.
They no longer have the same amount of interest in sex.
They don’t seem to “look at you” when having sex.
They masturbate frequently.

7- They abstain from sex
Narcissists love to change the rules just to keep their sexual partners on their toes. So, in one week, you two might have had a lot of amazing sex. But next? It’s radio silence. And not only that, but they might explode when you try to initiate sex.

So, what does it give?

Withholding sex can be an insidious form of devaluing yourself, and narcissists use it because they know it makes you question your reality. They also know that it can potentially make you feel deeply insecure or shy, which keeps them feeling in control.

Sometimes, the narcissist has a legitimate reason for not having sex. But more often than not, she’ll be vague on purpose. If confronted, they will likely respond by saying something like:

I haven’t been in a good mood lately.
I have a lot of ideas.
We have a lot of sex. Why are you so pushy?
I just need some space.
I need to think about things.
These vague responses have one thing in common: They make you feel like you did something wrong (even when you know you didn’t). And so, this often perpetuates a pattern of you trying to read the narcissist’s mind, knowing that whatever you do will be good enough.

8 Sex feels like a massive chore
Maybe you “endure” sex just because you don’t want to disrupt the status quo. But in doing so, nothing feels so satisfying. Instead, you might get angry!

While sex may not always seem explosive, it doesn’t have to be just an item to check off your to-do list. If so, then there are some serious issues that you need to address in the relationship.

Unfortunately, talking about your feelings is likely to backfire. As you probably know, narcissists don’t handle comments very well. They will likely attack you for any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.

9 – They did not comply
Perhaps you continue to have sex with a narcissist, hoping that it will lead to something more. They may still promise a relationship or marriage. but in fact? Nothing happens.

What’s going on?

Narcissists will tell you everything you need to hear to get what they want. So if they know you want a committed relationship or marriage, they might make bossy remarks about those topics just to keep you pining for more.

Of course, these notes have no real substance behind them. A narcissist will always do things on their terms. So, if they’re not ready to commit, it won’t change until they decide it needs to change. But in the meantime, when it comes to sex, they will no doubt continue to have their cake and eat it too!

10- They abuse you sexually
Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating and damaging outcomes associated with having sex with a narcissist. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines sexual assault as any unwanted sexual activity conducted through force, threats, or the inability to provide explicit consent.

When it comes to narcissists and sex workers, this abuse can look like this:

Insisting that you don’t love them if you don’t have sex with them.
Threatening to damage your reputation or “break up” if you don’t have sex.
Feeling guilty about having sex because you don’t want blue balls or other types of discomfort.
Trying to dampen your impulses by encouraging you to drink more.
Trying flattery or feeling guilty for sex because they “need” to feel connected.
Remember, sexual abuse is never your fault, and that’s okay! Healthy relationships require trust and respect. Sexual abuse violates these basic concepts and can seriously harm your physical and emotional health.

Will sex with a narcissist get better?
The short answer: no.

The long answer: no.

Sex with a narcissist escalates into a selfish power struggle, and can quickly turn into an insidious form of control, manipulation, and abuse. For these reasons, sex with a narcissist will never be a mutually satisfying form of intimacy.

If you are having sex with a narcissist, your soul is being sucked out of you.

Narcissists don’t make true love, and they can’t connect with you on a soulmate level (although often this is at first). Instead, over time you will feel as if your soul is slowly getting sick. This is why relationships with narcissists are often referred to as “soul rape.”

If you are (or have been) sexually or narcissistically abused, you will likely feel like you are sleeping next to a stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air and suddenly the person who used to feel at home is an unknown entity exuding boredom and anger with you.