Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment is harmful no matter who does it, but when the narcissist in your life uses it as a tool, it can be absolutely devastating.
why is that?
Narcissists somehow instinctively know that one of the best ways to hurt the person they love is to give them the silent treatment. Why is it so harmful? I’m going to explain some of the reasons for you here…
The silent treatment in relationships
The “silent treatment” is a way of describing how one partner in a relationship stops talking to the other, usually after an argument or disappointment. This silent treatment can last for hours, days, or at its most extreme, weeks or even months.
On the other hand, someone may withdraw and stop talking to a partner not to manipulate them, but because they are genuinely hurt and unable to talk about their feelings. However, this is not what drives narcissists.
10 Ways the silent treatment is harmful
Even if you know the narcissist is using silent treatment to punish you, it can be hard to let go of the frustration and pain when this happens. Here are some reasons why this might happen:
- We’re Wired for the Community
Some evolutionary psychologists speculate that as humans evolved, they learned that being part of a group gave them a greater chance of survival. Separation from the tribe could mean certain death. Because of this, we have strong emotional forces that tell us we need to be with others to survive and thrive. - The silent treatment triggers pain in the brain
MRI stands for “magnetic resonance imaging” and is a way for doctors to take pictures of the inside of the human body. When an MRI is done on the brain, doctors can see that the emotions generated by the silent treatment activate the same areas of the brain as physical pain. In other words, it hurts. - Our IQ drops temporarily after the silent treatment
People who were asked to recall an instance of the silent treatment scored lower on a variety of tests that assess human brain function, including tests of intelligence, short-term memory, and tests of decision-making. - The silent treatment even hurts when strangers do it
We want to feel like we belong, so even if strangers reject us, we still feel stung. Even if we don’t particularly care about strangers, we can still feel emotional pain if we feel rejected by them. For example, a strict atheist who hates religion may still feel emotional pain if the spiritual person hates them. - When we experience the silent treatment, we tend to blame ourselves
No matter how hard we try to brush it off, our natural tendency is to blame ourselves when we encounter silent treatment. We will actively look for reasons, from not believing we are physically attractive to assuming we must be a bad person deep down. - Getting the silent treatment can make us angry and aggressive
Silent treatment is associated with aggression. In 2001, the US Surgeon General presented a report in which he noted the association between adolescent violence and social rejection. The narcissist may sense this intuitively, and try to goad you into the silent treatment. Then, if you act in anger, you are “wrong.”
Even worse, children of parents who deal with the silent treatment are often the unfortunate vessels for their anger and aggression.
- Emotional pain is stronger than physical pain when you think about it
If you try to remember physical pain, you may not remember much. But trying to remember emotional pain can trigger more negative feelings and pain than old physical pain. Thinking about emotional pain hurts more than thinking about physical pain. - The relationship with the narcissist is like a gambling habit
When the narcissist gives and takes love indiscriminately, he or she is effectively acting as a slot machine for your feelings. This behavior activates the reward and addiction centers in the brain. You want to keep putting more coins into the slot machine, even though you generally lose. The emotional “jackpot” you get occasionally when the narcissist pays attention to you motivates you to continue the emotional investment, even though you have been duped.
- When used intentionally, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse
As mentioned above, you may have friends or loved ones who are not narcissists who engage in silent treatment at times. Sometimes, it’s because the person involved is so hurt that they need some time and space before they can talk and reconnect.
This is not the case with the narcissist. For them, the silent treatment is a tactic. When used intentionally to hurt someone and throw them off balance, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse used by narcissists and other psychological manipulators.
- In a game of chicken, the narcissist usually wins
Chicken is a stress game that can be played in a car, on a bike, or even when two people are running at each other. The idea is that the person who swings last wins. So, with two cars heading toward each other, the person who swerves first to get out of the way is the loser.
When a narcissist uses silent treatment against you, they are playing an emotional game of chicken with your mind. You will tend to reach out and talk first. When you do, the narcissist will have viewed your reconciliation procedure as a form of “wince.” In their game book, they win, and you lose.
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For this reason, the most important thing you need to do is find healthy ways to deal with your feelings when trying the silent treatment.
- Connect with friends and other loved ones
One of the best ways to overcome negative feelings from silent treatment is to encourage positive feelings of belonging. How do you do this? Reach out to friends and other family members who love and care about you.
Of course, many narcissists and emotionally abusive partners will try to isolate you from your friends and reduce your social circle. It will take effort to get out and make new connections. The two resources below can help.
- Join a support group
Support groups can be very helpful in dealing with emotional pain. Unfortunately, finding a “narcissistic victim support group” in your area can be difficult. Contact local healers to see if they know of any combinations. You can also try 12-step programs like Al-Anon, which are for family and friends of alcoholics. The narcissist does not necessarily need to be an alcoholic for you to join (this depends on the individual local group) but the problems are sometimes similar. You may also want to consider signing up for The Essential Break Free Bootcamp which includes a private Facebook group specifically for individuals who are on their healing journeys. - Find a therapist to talk to
A qualified therapist who understands narcissism can help you maintain your safety and sense of self-esteem while dealing with a narcissist. You don’t need a couple’s counselor for this if the narcissist in your life is your husband. It is best to see the therapist alone.
Make sure the therapist has some experience with narcissism. On rare occasions, you may find a poor therapist who doesn’t understand what’s going on and will take the narcissist’s side on you. If this happens, fire the processor and find a better one.
- Consider ending the relationship
The bad side of staying in a relationship with a narcissist is that it keeps you stuck in a hopeless situation. Holding on to hope that the narcissist in your life will change is a pipe dream that leads to a wasted life. The idea can be likened to the Big Foot and Loch Ness Monster legends. Some people strongly insist that these creatures exist, but no one has ever seen them.
The same goes for the narcissist who makes permanent changes.
You can beat the silent treatment
Although the silent treatment can be painful — or at least extremely annoying — you can learn to deal with it with grace and poise. By developing your self-esteem and a sense of connection to others outside of your abusive relationship, you will be able to weather the next silent storm. The narcissist will not be able to arouse your feelings as much, and you may eventually develop the courage to finally end the relationship.
