Some relationships are good for us—they make our lives bigger, teach us new things, and help us grow into better selves.
But some relationships degrade us as individuals.
Intentionally or not, our partners in these relationships hurt us and make us doubt our sanity.
It’s a deep, insidious type of deception, commonly known as “emotional manipulation.”
A relationship characterized by emotional manipulation, or “toxic relationships,” is one in which your partner—a friend, coworker, or even a spouse—manipulates you into believing that you’re the cause of their problems and issues.
So are you in a toxic relationship? Check out these 10 warning signs that you’re in a toxic relationship.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is often characterized by abuse, control, and disrespect from one or both partners.
There are several habits that you or your partner may engage in regularly that can become toxic and cause serious damage to your relationship.
A toxic relationship doesn’t always start badly. It’s good to realize that most people start with good intentions, but a toxic person won’t be able to refrain from belittling their partner or creating a tense and volatile environment in the relationship. So, whether you’ve been in a relationship for 3 months or 3 years, it’s never too early to identify toxic behavior.
Read on to learn about the most common warning signs of a toxic relationship, plus what you can do to try to fix it.
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
1) Disrespect During and After an Argument
If you’re in a relationship where you both argue and resolve issues in the same way, that’s great. But for most couples, each partner has their way of communicating. Some prefer to back off during an argument and take some time for themselves, while others prefer to address the issue head-on.
While the first few arguments establish these differences, what happens afterward is crucial to having a healthy, open relationship. Your partner should respect your way of dealing with an issue, and you should respect their way, even if you don’t like it. Many couples will try to meet somewhere and resolve their communication issues that way.
A toxic partner will not try to communicate with you and reach a compromise. Instead, they will often impose their “way” on you, no matter how uncomfortable you feel. This is not only disrespectful, but it is also a sign of controlling behavior.
2) Playing the blame game
If your partner often blames you for their mistakes, they are trying to avoid taking responsibility for their words or actions. Even minor issues, such as leaving the bathroom light on, can become part of the blame game. It often goes along the lines of “I forgot to do that because you distracted me,” which immediately reverses the problem and takes the spotlight off themselves.
For the victim, it can start to feel like they can’t do anything right. Everything they say is constantly being thrown back at them. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be open and willing to accept responsibility. After all, we are human, and mistakes happen.
3) Discussing your relationship with everyone but you
Communication is key. Without it, a relationship can quickly turn toxic. After an argument, a healthy couple sits down and works out their issues. Even if they can’t fix them, they may agree to put them behind them and actively move forward from the problem.
A toxic partner will often prefer to talk to their friends or family instead of reaching out to you. This can leave you feeling neglected, and you’ll often feel hurt when you hear that your relationship problems are the talk of the town. It also indicates that they’re not willing to work through the issues together, which can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment within the relationship.
4) Feeling drained and drained
When we think of a healthy, fulfilling relationship, we imagine a smiling, loving couple exchanging energy. If you’re feeling drained and drained in your relationship, it could be a sign that things aren’t right.
Feeling constantly sad or low on energy because of your partner is especially exhausting if it’s because of your partner’s behavior toward you, which might include constant arguments or always finding fault with things you do.
We often feel like we owe it to the relationship to try to keep going until the end, and in some cases, that’s a great goal. But in a toxic relationship, you need to put yourself first and recognize when problems are starting to affect you mentally and physically.
Feeling constantly sad or low on energy because of your partner is not normal in a healthy relationship. Recognizing this early can save you from a long battle later, as it takes a long time to get back to yourself after a toxic relationship.
5) Sneak around your partner
Do you think twice before mentioning something to your partner? Do you often brush things off just to keep the peace? It may seem like a solution at the moment, but in the end, this behavior won’t help if you’re dealing with a toxic person.
In a happy, healthy relationship, you should feel 100% comfortable talking to your partner. Whether it’s a serious matter or a minor one, trusting your partner to consider your opinion is essential. In addition to respecting your thoughts and feelings, your partner should be open to solving problems together, as a team.
6) Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior often starts as cute and protective. Like wanting you to come home from work straight away because they miss you, or preventing you from seeing certain friends because they don’t “seem” to be good for you.
The list can go on, from what you wear to who you interact with. One thing’s for sure, it doesn’t get any better.
Often, it’s our friends and family who notice these controlling patterns before the victims do.
So regardless of whether your partner loves your family or friends, it’s never a bad idea to listen to their advice, especially if they’re starting to notice a toxic trait like control.
7) Threatening to Break Up
Threatening to break up and leave the relationship every time things don’t go your way is a clear sign of a toxic relationship. We may think about it in our heads, but threatening your partner can make them feel replaceable and unappreciated.
Not only does this escalate the conflict, it’s a form of emotional blackmail. It’s like telling the other person that if they don’t act the way you want, you’ll walk away. In a healthy relationship, both partners need to feel safe.
Disagreements will happen, but a committed partner will try to work things out rather than threaten their partner.
8) A relationship is a one-sided effort
For a relationship to be healthy, both parties need to put in the work. The old saying “a relationship is a full-time job” isn’t far off the mark, as living, connecting, and making peace with your partner takes effort — every day. If your partner often avoids putting in the effort with you or your relationship, it could be a sign of toxic behavior.
Of course, we all have bad days. It’s not normal to be in a good mood 100% of the time. However, if you consistently feel that your partner is not actively trying to resolve conflicts or respect your needs in the relationship, this is a sure sign that they are not as invested in the relationship as you are.
9) Constantly monitoring each other’s behavior
We all make mistakes, but if we never let each other’s faults go, the chances of a healthy relationship become almost impossible. If your partner is constantly bringing up mistakes you made in the past, it can be extremely frustrating because you may feel like you can never get over the past.
What’s even more frustrating is the fact that these mistakes should have been forgotten the first time you fought them, not months or years later.
Ultimately, if your partner is not willing to let go of things from the past, it may be time to let go. Relationships should be about progress and building a strong relationship for the future, not bringing up old mistakes whenever it suits their argument.
10) Abusive Behavior
This may seem obvious, but friends and family often start to notice patterns of abuse before the victim does. There’s often the question, “Why didn’t he/she leave you the first time?” When people hear about someone being abused, whether it’s verbal or physical. If your partner is physically aggressive toward you, this is a major warning sign that you need to end the relationship immediately. Don’t fall for their excuses and apologies. The same goes for verbal abuse of you, which can be things like comments on your appearance, name-calling, or degrading remarks designed to make you feel miserable.
