After publishing parts one, two, and three of my series on the signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and what to do about it, I received emails and comments asking what to do when you have children with a narcissist. I dedicated a chapter in my book, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free, to the topic of parenting with a narcissist or emotionally manipulative person. Here are some highlights:
While getting away from a narcissist is hard enough, it’s even more challenging when you’re forever linked to the narcissist through your children with him or her.
If you have children with a narcissist, be prepared for what’s known as a high-conflict parenting situation. These are custody situations where one or both parents are hostile. For the narcissist, getting you angry is a way for them to get attention and maintain their control over you.
In many of the parenting tips shared below, it’s recommended that you seek help from an attorney. If you can’t afford a lawyer, the American Bar Association has information about free child rights programs in your state. You can find lawyers who will work with you for free at probono.net.
I do custody evaluations and have worked with families in high-conflict custody situations. I also have training in parent coordination. Here’s what I’ve learned works for people who co-parent with a narcissist:
- Set communication boundaries.
Narcissists can thrive on being able to get you angry. They may turn things around and paint you as unstable. Don’t give them ammunition. Communicate with your ex-spouse by email instead of phone. This gives you more time to think about what you’re saying before you say it, and it establishes a paper trail.
Set specific times for the parent to contact the child during visitation. Don’t be surprised if the narcissistic parent has to talk to the child several times during visitation with the other parent. Be especially wary of this if your child has a cell phone.
Stick to the facts when talking to your ex-spouse. Try to keep emotions out of your discussion as much as possible. The narcissist feeds on your feelings. Don’t feed them.
- Find a parent coordinator through the courts.
Judges can appoint a parent coordinator in high-conflict cases. Appointments and communication are then scheduled through the parent coordinator. In many states, parent coordinators are specially trained and certified. Not only can they reduce your stress, they can reduce your child’s stress as well. Talk to an attorney about appointing a parent coordinator.
- Get a temporary guardian appointed for your child.
If you’re in a custody dispute (which is more common when your ex-spouse is a narcissist), you can appoint a temporary guardian for your child. A temporary guardian looks after your child’s interests while you’re involved in the court system, acting as an advocate and support person. They can be requested by your attorney and appointed by a judge.
- Refuse to make your child a pawn.
Keep your side of the street clean. Don’t use your child to relay messages to the other parent. Don’t talk to your child about his or her parent: If you need to talk, talk to friends or see a therapist. Don’t use your child to do “reconnaissance” or “fact-finding” work. In other words, don’t elicit information from your child about what’s going on in the other parent’s home. If your child wants to talk about it, simply asking “How are you?” will usually get the ball rolling.
- Get a detailed custody agreement.
See a family law attorney. Tell the attorney that your ex-spouse is having high-conflict situations. Write down every detail — who pays what percentage of medical costs, established visitation days and times, and visitation plans for all holidays. Your attorney can advise you on how to handle high-conflict situations when they arise.
- Keep detailed records.
If your child’s parent doesn’t show up for a visit, write that down. Also, write down the date and time of the phone calls and use direct quotes. If you meet with an attorney, he or she will ask for these documents.
If you’re considering recording phone calls, keep in mind that state laws vary regarding recording conversations. In many states, you must notify the other party before recording. Seek the advice of an attorney first
- Have your child attend counseling.
In high-conflict parenting situations, your children notice more than you might think. Even young children can be very aware of how their parents are behaving. It’s normal for a child to feel like they’re the cause of their parent’s misbehavior. It’s also likely that the narcissist will begin to exhibit narcissistic behavior toward the child(ren). That’s why your children need to see a counselor.
There are play therapy counselors who are specifically trained to work with children. Some counselors are trained in high-conflict parenting situations. Check your custody agreement to see if both parents are required to give consent for the child to see a counselor. Don’t be surprised if the narcissist doesn’t want the child in counseling, or if the narcissist takes the child to a counselor who feels “better” once your child starts going to counseling.
- Don’t argue with the narcissist. You won’t win.
Don’t let them see you sweat. Narcissists thrive on keeping you out of control and upset. Repeat to yourself, I am calm, cool, and collected. Do what’s in your child’s best interest. I can’t stress this enough. If you’re ever in a situation where you want to tell your ex what you think of him, ask yourself, is this in my child’s best interest?
- Be aware of narcissistic triggers.
When your child begins to show independence, this can be a problem for the narcissist. For the narcissist, an independent child triggers feelings of abandonment. Be aware that your child’s newfound independence may lead to behavior “flaring up” with the narcissist. Also, as you learned in Part 2 of the Narcissist Series, narcissists tend to ruin the holidays. If you know that the narcissist may be acting out on these dates, you can take preventative steps to protect yourself emotionally.
- Practice good self-care.
Parenting with a narcissist can be very stressful. Make sure you’re taking good care of yourself. Good ways to relax and de-stress include exercise, journaling (password-protected and encrypted), meditation, and spending time with compassionate friends. To be the best caregiver for your child, you need to take good care of yourself first. Find your counselor; it can be helpful to express your concerns to an impartial third party.
