While staying away from a narcissist is difficult enough, it is even more challenging when you are forever linked to the narcissist through your children with him or her.
If you have children with a narcissist, be prepared for what is known as a high-conflict parenting situation. These are custody cases in which one or both parents are hostile. For a narcissist, making you angry is a way for him to attract attention and maintain his control over you.
In many of the parenting tips shared below, it is recommended to seek help from an attorney. If you can’t afford an attorney, the American Bar Association has information about free children’s rights programs in your state. You can find lawyers who will work with you for free on probono.net.
I perform custody evaluations and have worked with families with high conflict custody issues. I also have parent coordination training. Here’s what I’ve learned for people co-parenting with a narcissist:
- Set communication boundaries.
Narcissists can live for the ability to make you angry. Then they may turn it around and portray you as unstable. Don’t give them ammunition. Contact your ex-spouse via email, not by phone. This gives you more time to think about what you’re saying before you say it, and it creates a paper trail.
Establish specific times when the parent will contact the child during the visit. Don’t be surprised if the narcissistic parent has to talk to the child several times while the other parent is visiting. Be especially careful of this if your child has a cell phone.
Stick to the facts when talking to your ex. Try to leave emotions out of your part of the discussion as much as possible. The narcissist feeds on your emotions. Don’t feed them.
- Search for a guardian coordinator across the courts.
Judges can appoint a parent coordinator in high-conflict cases. Scheduling and communication are then done through the parent coordinator. In many states, parent coordinators receive special training and certification. Not only does it reduce your stress, but it can also reduce your child’s stress as well. Talk to an attorney about hiring a parent coordinator.
- Appoint a guardian ad litem for your child.
If you are facing a custody dispute (which is more common when your ex is a narcissist), you can appoint a guardian (GAL) for your child. The GAL looks out for your child’s best interests while you are involved in the court system, acting as an advocate and support person. It can be requested by your attorney, and appointed by the judge.
- Refuse to make your child a pawn.
Keep your side of the street clean. Do not use your child to relay messages to the other parent. Don’t vent to your child about his or her parents: If you need to vent, talk to friends or see a therapist. Do not use your child to do “reconnaissance” or “fact-finding” tasks. In other words, do not ask your child for information about what is happening at the other parent’s home. If your child wants to talk about it, you can simply “How are you?” You will usually get the ball rolling.
- Get a detailed custody agreement.
See a family law attorney. Let the attorney know that your ex-spouse is experiencing a major struggle. Write down all the details – who pays what percentage of medical costs, company visiting days and times, and visiting plans for all holidays. Your attorney can give you advice on how to handle high-conflict situations when they arise.
- Maintain detailed records.
If your child’s parents don’t come to visit, write that down. Also note the date and time of phone calls and use direct quotes. If you meet with an attorney, they will want these documents.
If you’re considering recording phone calls, keep in mind that state laws vary regarding recording conversations. In many states, you must notify the other party before registering. Seek the advice of an attorney first.
- Ask your child to attend counseling.
In high-conflict parenting situations, your children absorb more than you think. Even children at a young age can be hyper-aware of how their parents act. It is natural for a child to feel that they are the reason for his parents’ misbehavior. The narcissist will also likely begin to display narcissistic behavior toward the child(ren). For this reason, it is important for your children to see a counselor.
There are play therapy consultants who are specially trained to work with children. There are also counselors trained in high-conflict parenting situations. Check your custody agreement to see if both parents have to give consent for the child to see a counselor. Don’t be surprised if the narcissist doesn’t want the child to go to counseling, or if the narcissist takes the child to a counselor who feels “better” once your child starts going to counseling.
- Don’t argue with the narcissist. You will not win.
Never let them see you sweat. Narcissists thrive on keeping you upset and upset. Repeat to yourself, I am calm, calm, and collected. Do what is in your child’s best interest. I cannot stress this enough. If you’re faced with a situation where you really want to tell your ex-spouse what you think about him, ask yourself, Is this in the best interest of my child?
- Be aware of narcissism triggers.
When your child begins to show independence, this can be a problem for the narcissist. For the narcissist, an independent child triggers feelings of abandonment. Be aware that your child’s newfound independence may lead to “outburst” behavior with the narcissist. Also, as you learned in Part 2 of the Narcissists series, narcissists tend to ruin the holidays. If you know that a narcissist may act out on these dates, you can take preventive steps to protect yourself emotionally.
- Practice good self-care.
It can be very stressful parenting with a narcissist. Make sure you take good care of yourself. Good ways to relax and let off steam include exercise, journaling (password protection and encryption), meditation, and spending time with compassionate friends. To be the best caregiver for your child, you need to take good care of yourself first. Find your own advisor; It is helpful to express your concerns to a neutral third party.
