Even if you don’t know exactly where to start, you will always know when you need to raise your standards.
Norms, boundaries, and mental health go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the others.
Your life is a direct reflection of the standards that you have for yourself and other people. Most people who have impossibly high standards for others have very little for themselves. That was mine. My intuition kept saying “Raise your standards,” but I was frozen in my fears, motivations, and insecurities.
The scariest but most life-changing and rewarding thing you can do for yourself is to implement standards. This is not about” he/she has to make X amount of money ” or look a certain way or whatever other superficial Bachelor. These are not Standards. These are the circumstances that rob your life of Essence and meaning.
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When you have real and substantial standards, your quality of life will increase because you are finally able to act on the realization that your mental health is more important than:
Your job. Expectations/hopes/dreams/plans that your family and friends have for you. Your relationships with them. Your romantic relationship. Pleasing people.
No matter who they are or what it is, your mental health is more important than anyone or anything else. Without it, you have nothing. However, raising your standards can be scary.
It’s scary not to communicate with someone you still love and miss.
It’s scary to commit not to interact.
It’s scary to stop them.
It’s scary to let people live with the consequences of the decisions they choose to make.
It’s scary to experience the first symptom of norm-setting which is loneliness.
It’s scary to act based on “I’ll lose anyone and anything before I lose my mind.”
But it’s worth it.
Prioritizing my mental health cost me friends I never thought I would lose and the family I was convinced of, Will Always Be There.
And I’m not failing to still miss them.
I’m a human being.
If prioritizing your mental health means disappointing them, then, by all means, disappoint them. You will finally stop being a disappointment to yourself and will be able to regain this life as your own.
Before we get into the 10 things that happen when you raise your standards, I first want a touch on setting standards for yourself, how to raise your standards in a relationship, and how to keep your standards high.
Set standards for yourself and keep your standards high
You can’t have relational standards until you have personal standards (and be able to keep those standards high). It all boils down to trying versus committing. The secret to setting standards for yourself, raising your standards, and keeping your standards high is to commit to committing.
The biggest reason people suffer from commitment phobia is that when you commit to something, you have to deliver. When you “do your best,” it’s okay if you don’t follow through because at least you tried. I gave him the best shot.
There are no “best shots” when committing.
When you’re committed, you’re all in. Tunnel vision. You will see it through no matter what obstacles come in your path or how lonely this undefeated path is.
You commit to getting your back. You commit not to involve yourself in gossip, drama, fake friendships, and toxic relationships. You commit to acting on red flags because you are committed to not being a doormat.
When you are sick, tired of repeated washing and rinsing, and are ready for a permanent change, the first thing you need to do is raise your standards. When I stopped trying and had already committed to treating my toxicity became my therapist, hero, best friend, true love, and hero. I stopped looking for the world to pay me and save me. I stopped being a victim because I was finally able to save myself.
Write down everything that you wish to be and become. Then write down everything that prevents this from being implemented.
Make a list of everything that you will no longer accept and tolerate. Take comfort in the knowledge that all your pain and everything holding you back is nothing more than the result of the decisions you have chosen to make.
How to raise your standards in a relationship
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Raising Relational standards occurs naturally when you raise your standards. Everything becomes much easier and calmer. You no longer have to worry about what you need to do if X, Y, or Z happens because you know what your non-negotiables are.
When you expect more from yourself, you won’t have to express what you expect from your partner. They will either be able to reciprocate and give you everything you have to offer or they will not.
Either way, it won’t have anything to do with you. Standards start inside. No one can meet you at a relational level it is not, first of all, a meeting for themselves.
I used to think that having standards was all about the others. He knew what I would like and would never put up with ” them. “However, I always ended up sad, miserable, and overwhelmed. The day I took a look at myself and made a list of what I could no longer tolerate internally was the day I no longer had to express my standards to anyone I was in a relationship with. Remember that you will never tolerate being treated worse than you already treat yourself.
10 things that happen when you raise your standards
Loneliness. This is the first symptom of setting standards which is what discourages most people from committing. Just like when you detox and get flu-like symptoms, loneliness is the flu-like emotional symptom of setting standards. Yes, he can be very lonely. And yes, there will not be many people you communicate with but the people you communicate with Will these connections will expel the false importance of quantity. These relationships will fulfill you in ways that most people never get to experience. When you raise your standards, you begin to realize how many people lack personal standards (and you become more grateful and protective of your own). Here’s a conversation my close friend and I had when I sent him parts of this post: to him: “I like” the first symptom of setting standards is loneliness.” Me:” Loneliness is the worst. It’s like life as you know he dumps you.”He is:” Actually. Upside: you know you’re in the right place.”Me:” Exactly. Isn’t it sad how we can lose friends and family by implementing norms and boundaries?” He is:” It is so. What it reveals is that a lot of people who like us don’t know what that means. Love is acceptance, especially boundaries. When you lose someone because you decide for yourself, that person reveals that he is more interested in controlling you than loving you.”
Self-doubt. Loneliness will make you doubt whether raising your standards is a good idea. Those who can no longer manipulate you will call you crazy. You’ll want to get back to the certainty of being the obedient doormat but you won’t because you’re now committed to your mental health.
You attract people to whom you are not usually attracted. There is no challenge that is boring to you. This requires some getting used to. It takes time to learn how to be attracted to what is good for us instead of what drives us to become a performing circus animal. It takes time to enjoy peace of mind instead of the hot/cold amateur hour chaos of yes/no, push/pull. But if you are committed, you will get there.
Discomfort from not being dependent on others. You will not be able to realize the need to raise your standards if you have not been exposed to toxic people (they lack the standards that you now know you need to raise). Toxicity has become comfortable and now that you have done this major cleansing, you feel uncomfortable because you no longer need people to need you.
Relief.
Freedom.
Less drama.
Increased self-esteem. Your self-esteem increases because you are committed. You have kept that promise to yourself and now, you are more protective of your progress than you are desperate to hit the reaction tube.
Self-compassion increases when you begin to realize “I can’t believe I’m putting up with all this.”On the contrary, the sympathy that I used to have for toxic people is no longer there.
Unconditional trust that no one can take away.
Go on. You owe it to yourself to raise your standards.
