How does a narcissistic mother affect her daughter? Will the daughter end up with narcissistic traits or will she become loved by people?
As with all human interactions, the answer is complex. Narcissism affects parenting traits and this can affect children’s mental health. In this article, I will learn about 10 symptoms that appear in the daughters of narcissistic mothers and examine the characteristics of narcissistic mothers.
10 Symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers
- You often change your identity to suit others
Narcissistic mothers constantly change the rules and change the boundaries in one second. You never knew what to expect, but you learned how to deal with your mother’s demands and become the person who makes her life easier.
As an adult, you are highly sensitive to changes in mood and atmosphere. You adopt specific roles within family or friends to accommodate the stronger personalities around you. You know that it is not who you are, but who you are perceived as that matters.
- You are a people pleaser
“…Children of narcissistic parents tend to satisfy parental needs to avoid relational conflicts and maintain the attachment relationship.” (F, Dental, et al., 2015)
Daughters of narcissistic mothers quickly learn to suppress their own needs in favor of their mother. They may hide their opinions or sacrifice their dreams to maintain this relationship.
Narcissistic mothers make their daughters feel worthless and unworthy. You are only worthy if you raise your mother’s self-worth. Love is transactional for you. If you please your mother, she may notice you.
- Love is conditional
Meeting the needs of an unstable mother is very difficult, but the positive feedback she receives is a powerful substitute for love and affection. You grow up and learn that love depends on you doing something for your mother.
The idea of unconditional love, of someone loving you for who you are, not for what you can do, is foreign to you. There is always some trade-off when it comes to love. You do this thing for me, and I will love you.
- You are anxious and depressed
“The experience of being targeted as scapegoats by family members in childhood significantly predicted increased symptoms of anxiety and depression in adulthood, and greater anxiety symptoms were a potential additional consequence of scapegoating.” (M., Venando, et al., 2022)
If your mother was a scapegoat when you were a child, you are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. Studies show a direct link between childhood scapegoating and increased anxiety in adults.
- You need external verification
Healthy parenting builds a strong sense of identity and self-esteem. The narcissistic mother does not care about raising balanced children. Her children are a means to an end, there only for her benefit.
Children need to know that their parents love them unconditionally. Love does not depend on behavior. Narcissistic mothers reward behavior that benefits them. This is confusing for children and can lead to a need for constant external validation in adult relationships.
- You don’t think you’re good enough
Narcissistic mothers love only on conditions, and set impossible standards for their child. You will soon learn that your true self is not good enough. Your only value is what you can do for your mother.
Pleasing your mother is linked to your self-image. This is your value, not as a separate person in your own right, but as a reflection of others. And if you’re not good enough, it reflects poorly on the person you need to impress the most.
- You end up in controlling or abusive relationships
Studies show that victims of early childhood abuse report a lower level of satisfaction in relationships. This includes poor marital outcomes. You learn that abuse is normal and become desensitized to it.
Narcissistic mothers can cause long-term emotional abuse, leading to codependency or neglect of your own needs in relationships. Victims develop a fear of abandonment, which makes leaving abusive relationships difficult. Low self-esteem, self-doubt, and shame facilitate this failure to leave the toxic situation.
- You are clingy or hostile in relationships
Daughters of narcissistic mothers form insecure attachments that affect their future relationships. A daughter with an avoidant attachment will exclude people from her life because she does not want to get too close. As a child, she learned to distrust. As an adult, you find emotional intimacy difficult and push people away.
Girls with an anxious attachment style desperately search for the love they did not receive while growing up. They can become clingy and may put up with abusive partners because they fear abandonment.
- You have narcissistic tendencies
Narcissists focus on their own needs and use their children as props to enhance their value. As the child grows up, he sees the attention the mother receives and how easy it is to manipulate others. People are only useful if you can get something from them.
Neglecting a daughter’s emotional health can lead to a lack of empathy or compassion in the child. Dysfunction, drama, conflict, guilt tripping, and scapegoating are all normal. People are just pawns to be used.
- Your mental and physical health is poor
It is not surprising to know that negative childhood experiences affect us long into adulthood. Studies show a link between childhood adversity, such as parental neglect, and poor general health. Researchers link conditions such as:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
anxiety
depression
Addictive behavior
Eating disorders
Agressive behavior
Increased violence
Risk
Difficulties in relationships
So, these are the symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers, but how do you recognize a narcissistic mother?
