What drives some people to lie in relationships? Why do they do it? Is lying okay?
People lie for different reasons, but lying has always been a part of human nature.
Lies can get us out of some tough situations in life, but they can also cause problems.
There are different reasons why people lie in relationships.
Some of these reasons are common, while others are rare. Read on to discover the top ten reasons why people lie in love.
Is lying common in relationships?
Yes, it is. Lying, in general, is common. No matter who you are, lying is a universal trait.
No matter how much we value honesty, studies show that the majority of us lie in our relationships.
One study found that 73.4% of people who have been in a relationship for at least a year admitted to lying to their partners.
Research by psychologist Bella DiPaulo shows that we lie in about a fifth of our social interactions that last longer than 10 minutes.
In a typical week, we lie to about 30% of the people we interact with.
Perhaps more important is the frequency with which a person lies, and the extent of those lies.
Not all lies are created equal, and the motivation behind the lie is likely to influence how damaging the lie is.
What drives people to lie in a relationship?
1) To avoid hurting others’ feelings
You may think that lying is never okay, or you may think that it depends on the situation. Many of us feel that so-called “white lies” can sometimes be kinder than the truth.
It’s natural to want our partners to be happy, so we may lie to please people.
For example, if your partner asks you if you like the dinner they’ve lovingly prepared for you, and you don’t. Or if they want to know what you think of the gift they bought you for Christmas, and you hate it.
On such occasions, many of us lie to spare the feelings of the people we care about.
We make decisions to protect others from the harsh truth in an attempt to protect them. Sometimes, the truth isn’t as important as keeping the peace and kindness.
For example, if your partner is particularly insecure, is honesty more important than politeness?
If you don’t like their new outfit or haircut, should you tell them? Many of us decide it’s best to err on the side of caution and lie instead of being polite.
2) To Cover Up Bad Behavior
When we learned how to lie as children, we discovered that lying can help you avoid punishment. This is a persistent theme that follows us into adulthood as well.
Sometimes we lie because we fear being caught doing something wrong. Perhaps the most classic example in the world of romance is cheating on a spouse.
In this way, we use lies to try to cover up our wrongdoings.
Taking responsibility for our actions can seem difficult. The harsh truth is that the coward’s way out is often easier.
Rather than risk losing a partner by coming clean, many people try to cover their tracks and lie instead.
These bigger lies can include covering up cheating, addiction, or even criminal activity.
When we lie to cover up bad behavior, we often end up causing more problems than we solve. We can lose trust in our partner, and damage the relationship beyond repair.
Keeping big secrets in a relationship can quickly lead to its downfall.
3) To Avoid Conflict
We all know that conflict is inevitable when two people are together. However, sometimes we choose not to face this reality.
If you fear conflict, you may resort to lying simply to avoid confrontation. You might say things like:
“I’m fine,” “It doesn’t bother me,” or “I didn’t notice.”
But in reality, you’re just feeling anxious, upset, and uncomfortable.
The problem with using lies to avoid conflict is that they only work temporarily. Eventually, you’ll need to deal with the problem head-on.
Admitting the truth is scary because you fear losing your partner when you reveal it.
But if you fear making a mess of your relationship, you may end up burying relationship problems that are sure to come back up again.
It’s important to be able to express our needs and desires to our partners, and if you’re too afraid of conflict, this often doesn’t happen.
4) Making themselves look better than they are
Lying can also help people feel more attractive.
People may lie about their weight, height, age, job, education, salary, or social status.
But the underlying motivation is the same. It’s about making themselves look more attractive in the hope of appearing more attractive.
The goal of lying is to impress. But deep down, people who lie are usually insecure in some way.
They’re not sure who they are is good enough. So they exaggerate the truth or makeup things they think are more attractive.
Online dating can be a hotbed for these kinds of lies.
People may lie about their age, turning back the clock in the hope of attracting more suitors. They may lie about their body type, shape, job, or financial status. Many also lie about the status of their relationships.
Whatever the case, up to 57% of people admit to lying to each other on their online dating profiles.
5) Hiding something they’re ashamed of
Lying is like a shield we use to protect ourselves.
It’s often a shield to prevent embarrassment. So if you’re embarrassed about something, you might try to cover it up.
Many people lie to hide embarrassing secrets like drug use, debt, or alcohol abuse.
Shame can be an incredibly powerful motivator that drives us to hide the truth from the people we care about the most. We worry that our partner will think less of us.
Even when we haven’t done anything directly wrong to our significant other, we still feel the need to lie about things we’ve done to ourselves that we’re ashamed of.
It’s very hard to admit it, so we keep quiet.
6) Manipulating someone or a situation
Lying may be dishonest, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sometimes get us what we want.
So, sometimes people lie to further their agenda and interests.
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For example, narcissists often lie in relationships to achieve their goals and gain control over you. They may lie to gain attention, money, sex, or power over others.
Some people lie to gain sympathy or win arguments. Others lie to trick someone into doing something they wouldn’t otherwise do.
Sometimes people lie to manipulate others in a way that serves their interests. Another word for this might be to use someone.
7) To Protect Their Ego
No one likes to be wrong.
We may find ourselves resorting to lying in a relationship to save face and protect our fragile ego.
You don’t want to look foolish or be seen as weak. So you will say anything to avoid looking stupid.
It’s a form of self-protection and a defense mechanism whenever we feel threatened.
The lie is there to protect them from being hurt, their ego from feeling crushed, or their flaws from being exposed.
8) For the thrill
If the idea of lying is too exciting for you, you may be surprised to learn that there is some logic behind it all.
For some people, especially pathological liars who seem unable to help themselves, lying can stimulate the risk-reward center in the brain.
It’s similar to the way some people enjoy risky behavior.
When this happens, lying can become a habit and become difficult to control because it’s almost automatic.
Lying becomes second nature to them. They lie because it feels good to do so.
9) It’s easier than dealing with the truth
Sometimes people resort to lying because they lack the skills to communicate effectively about difficult topics.
What may be justified on the surface as sparing someone else’s feelings is less about protecting the other person from the truth — and more about protecting themselves from the discomfort of the truth.
Lying in the moment is easier than facing reality.
Many people excuse lying in relationships, telling themselves that they are being kind, but in reality, they are being weak.
They don’t know how to tell someone they don’t love them anymore, so they keep quiet. They don’t know how to bring up a difficult issue, so they don’t.
But unfortunately, this type of negligent lying is not going away. At some point, we need to find the courage to say what’s on our minds, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel.
10) It’s a Coping Strategy
People use lying to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, grief, shock, anger, fear, shame, loneliness, and many other uncomfortable human emotions.
They lie when they’re angry, sad, scared, confused, upset, guilty, ashamed, afraid, overwhelmed, or even bored.
They lie to make themselves feel better, and protect their self-esteem, self-confidence, or other feelings.
Some people can become so attached to their lies that they start to believe them. Lying is one of the coping strategies we can all use in life and relationships.
