I’m not a lawyer and don’t claim to be, but I went through four years of court battles with a narcissistic ex-husband, so I know a thing or two about how to get a divorce from a narcissist.
It’s hard enough to go through a regular divorce, but when you add kids and an annoying ex-spouse with a narcissistic personality, things get a little more complicated.
The concepts of compromise and co-parenting do not exist in the narcissist’s world. Winning at all costs is what the narcissistic ex needs to be empowered. They are not acting with your children’s best interests in mind, because they do not feel empathy either.
I was fighting a losing battle full of narcissistic mind games, based on one-sided morality.
Was it frustrating? Sure, but it also came with a revelation: Narcissists hate who you are because it reminds them of who they’re not.
“I had no idea my ex was a narcissist until after my divorce.” I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard men and women say this.
Why didn’t I know this too? Because narcissists gaslight, love to bomb, and manipulate. They make you think there is something wrong with you.
Imagine the relief you will feel when you realize that you are not crazy, but rather being emotionally abused. This realization may not be perfect but it can pave the way for your healing journey.
The realization that you have been a victim of a narcissist always comes after the damage has been done. Otherwise they will not be able to continue their abusive ways.
Most narcissists prey on people with insecurities, self-esteem issues, and low self-confidence. They are often called crazy, mean, jealous, hurtful, or a bad parent by their partners, and narcissists often tell their family and friends this.
No one has ever witnessed that what a narcissist says is true, but they are so cunning and cunning that they are telling the truth, right?
Gaslighting gives them a cushion they can lean on when their partners finally discover them. The narcissist has already painted a picture of their partner that is often callous and unfeeling, so when the divorce battle begins, they have nowhere to turn. They can even set their partners’ family against them, including their children.
What can you do as a victim of a narcissist during a divorce to maintain your sanity and protect your health?
Here are 10 things you should know about how to get a divorce from a narcissist so you can protect yourself from his narcissistic mind games during the process.
- Educate yourself about your state’s laws.
Each state has different laws regarding divorce and child custody. Get to know the people in your state well.
Having education on your side will help keep you away from unnecessary court battles and from incurring major expenses. Your narcissistic ex will make fun of you and use your children, causing you to call and text your lawyer more often than usual. Every time you do this, they charge you a fee.
- Get a lawyer.
Interview several attorneys to find out who is best for your case. Some don’t charge a consultation fee and others do, so order in advance to avoid surprise fees.
You may need to conceal your whereabouts when seeking legal advice. Once the narcissist knows what you are up to, the love bombing begins – and so does the cycle of abuse.
- Clear your browser.
If you plan to do your divorce research online, clear your browser. The narcissist loves control. This includes access to your computer, internet and phone passwords, etc.
You don’t have the same privilege. In their world, you don’t have any privacy. They need privacy to launch personal attacks on you and gain supporters.
Why does your husband do this to you after years of marriage? She always supported them, spoke well of them, and gave them everything they needed including unconditional love.
Related: The Hard Truths I Learned About Life & Love From Dating A Narcissist
- Make sure you have all the important papers.
Gather any necessary papers and documents including passports, birth certificates, marriage license, copies of bills, copies of your spouse’s taxes, work-related records, checkbooks, and even a prenuptial agreement, if you’re lucky enough not to be talked into not having one.
Save anything you might need moving forward because once they know you’ve submitted a request, they won’t let you in.
- Get a new phone.
Get your own cell phone line as soon as possible, even if you keep the line on your plan with your spouse for a short time. Your lawyer may also suggest this. - Talk to people who care about you.
Tell your friends and family what you and your children have been through. This is not the time to be silent or embarrassed about what you’ve endured. Build a trustworthy support system.
It’s likely that throughout your relationship, many people didn’t like the way your husband treated you. These people will be your best supporters moving forward. It’s not an “I told you so” attitude, but rather a “Thank God you saw it too” attitude. No one wants to see you or your children suffer.
- Securing financial aid for your child.
After separating and securing legal advice, ask your attorney to hold a temporary hearing on alimony, child support, and child custody. If you don’t have access to bank accounts or household bills, this is essential.
You will need to request payment of temporary alimony, child support, and household bills if you are a stay-at-home mom and do not have a job outside the home. This would also be an excellent time to set up visitation on a temporary basis until the divorce is finalized.
- Arranging custody and visitation rights.
Make sure you get the custody you feel is best for your children and a visitation arrangement that is in their best interest now. Don’t fall for manipulation tactics. Your narcissistic husband will ask why you are doing this to him. They will manipulate you into believing they have the children’s best interests at heart, if you let them
Falling into this will be a major downfall in the coming years when children begin to show signs of emotional abuse. You can do something about it at first, but after the fact, it becomes difficult, especially if your initial complaint was emotional abuse.
Remember, you can’t control what happens in the other household, so the more time your children spend with you, the better.
At the final hearing or mediation, the time you allow your ex-narcissist to spend with your children during the period of separation before the divorce will be taken into consideration. After a final agreement is reached, it is difficult to prove that there has been a significant change in circumstances unless your children’s lives are in danger.
If your ex was always emotionally abusive to your children and still is, but now in different ways, it is not enough for some courts to void a prior agreement. They will not change custody or visitation even if you document all the immoral things your children have been through. If your ex was always immoral, it would be against you, not your narcissistic ex.
Your ex will do things that are not in the best interest of your children. Get the custody and visitation you want now.
- Give advice to your children.
Most children are not allowed to speak in court. In some states, a guardian ad litem is appointed or requested. Most of them are not trained child psychologists. In some states, a guardian ad litem is an attorney who is required by law to serve as guardian for a specified period of time.
When the state does not appoint a guardian, you bear the burden of paying for one, usually half the fee.
