No one wants to be labeled selfish, but haven’t we all felt that intense desire and growing excitement to control the conversation? You feel as if you are going to explode if the other person doesn’t stop talking so you can intervene.
You pretend to be completely focused on what they’re saying, but you only catch keywords now and then. You’re not listening. You are planning your next funny story that relates to the topic being discussed.
If you tend to make every conversation about you, you may be a conversational narcissist and not even know it.
Related: How To Parent Your Child When The Other Parent Is A Narcissist
#What is a dialogic narcissist?
A conversational narcissist is a person who constantly directs conversations at himself, without any regard for the thoughts or feelings of others.
This type of person dominates discussions by constantly searching for attention and validation. They display selfish behavior, interrupt others, and redirect focus to their accomplishments or problems.
The conversational narcissist’s primary goal is to keep the spotlight and control the narrative, which leaves little room for genuine reciprocity or empathy with others.
In the book “The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life” by sociologist Charles Derber, he describes conversational narcissism as the main manifestation of America’s dominant psychology.
Conversational narcissism happens more subtly than making a detour in the conversation to get her back to you. Most people know that it is at least rude not to pretend to be interested in what the other person is saying while having a conversation with them.
I had a friend from school named Jeff, who was very smart, political, funny, and incredibly high-energy. We talked on the phone all the time, and the conversation was always about him.
Me: Hi Jeff, how are you?
Jeff: Oh my God, I have to tell you everything that’s going on in my life! He was nuts.
Then, he would talk (barely catching his breath) for 45 to 55 minutes about his life, how he was feeling, relevant past stories, and every other conversation under the sun.
When he had exhausted everything he had to talk about, he asked me how I was doing.
Me: I’m great…
Jeff: Oh, I have to go, I’ll talk to you soon.
I don’t think he meant to be rude; He was immersed in his drama, often of his own making. Jeff wasn’t necessarily a narcissist in conversation; He had no self-awareness…or maybe he didn’t have much awareness of others. In both cases, his behavior was indicative of conversational narcissism.
So, how do you know if you have a friend like Jeff who always seems to direct the conversation to himself?
#10 signs of a conversational narcissist
1. They use initiatives to attract attention
During a conversation, each person makes several initiatives. These initiatives can be either attention-grabbing or attention-grabbing.
Conversational narcissists focus more on getting attention because they are more interested in meeting their own needs. Attention-grabbing initiatives can be positive or negative.
Related: 8 Ways To Protect Yourself From A Narcissist, Because They Are LETHAL
2. They use shifting responses.
With active conversational narcissism, a person’s response can be either an altered response (as in shifting attention back to oneself) or a supportive response (keeping attention on the speaker and the topic they are presenting).
Since conversational narcissism can be somewhat deceptive, we’ll throw in words like “Really?” “Oh, yeah” and “huh” before the other person can talk about themselves.
Here is an example of a shift response:
Jimmy: I didn’t sleep last night.
Dylan: Really? I slept like a baby. Did I tell you about my new mattress? Well, it’s a good idea, but getting it into my apartment was a nightmare.
Here’s the same scenario with a supportive response:
Jimmy: I didn’t sleep last night.
Dylan: Why? Did you drink too much caffeine yesterday, or are you worried about something?
3. They control the topic.
Dominating the topic of conversation indicates selfishness and a desire for attention. Conversational narcissists prioritize their interests over others when they do this. They truly do not care about the needs of others and lack real interest in what others have to say.
Conversational narcissists dominate discussions and rarely allow others to contribute so they stay on topics they know and can contribute.
4. They constantly interrupt
Conversational narcissists tend to interrupt discussions because they have a strong desire to assert themselves, be the center of attention, and control the narrative. By interrupting, they redirect the focus of the topic toward themselves and their interests.
When narcissists interrupt a conversation, they only care about their thoughts and opinions. They view conversation as an opportunity to showcase their knowledge, achievements, or personal struggles, rather than to engage in an exchange of ideas in a mutually respectful way.
5. They give unsolicited advice
Narcissists who talk often feel the need to confirm their knowledge or expertise, even when the other person does not ask for it. As they do this in discussions, these individuals prioritize their own opinions, jump in with suggestions and never take into consideration a person’s limitations.
They have a lack of respect for the independence of others and have a strong desire to assert control of the conversation. Unfortunately, conversational narcissists ignore the fact that others have unique experiences.
Related: What It Means When A Narcissist Says ‘I Love You’
6. They always try to one-up you.
No one is more competitive than a conversational narcissist. They follow one golden rule: whatever you do, they do better. Oh, do you hurt your arm? Well, they broke them three times.
They may think this will move the conversation forward or that this is how healthy conversation works, but it often ends up stopping them in their tracks. When they outshine someone else, they inherently miss their opportunity to express themselves.
It’s as if they’re telling you that you can’t enjoy your moment because others have had a worse experience.
7. They act like they know everything
Narcissists who talk have a strong desire to appear superior. This leads them to constantly try to appear as experts on many topics.
They have a selfish approach to communication, as know-it-alls seek to establish themselves as the authority in every conversation. They may engage in excessive name-dropping, displaying their intelligence, or constantly correcting others, all to enhance their self-experience.
8. They don’t let others get a word in.
If they dominate the conversation and won’t stop long enough for someone else to join in, this is a key trait of the classic narcissist. With these people, it’s always about them; They don’t care what others say, so they don’t bother giving them the chance to say anything.
When someone ends up talking too much and continues without pausing to breathe, they have a problem. It’s as if they would rather deliver a monologue than have a conversation.
9. They break the boundaries of conversation
Conversational narcissists often ignore or even violate others’ boundaries when there is a discussion. They intrude on personal matters, ask intrusive questions, or make unwanted comments without regard for the comfort or privacy of others.
Their focus is on satisfying their curiosity or asserting their dominance, rather than respecting the boundaries and needs of the people they are talking to.
10. They are bad listeners.
Conversational narcissists may appear uninterested or distracted when others are speaking, and may also display nonverbal cues that indicate disengagement, such as checking their phone, looking around the room, or impatient behavior.
They wait for their turn to speak instead of sincerely absorbing and understanding what others are saying. They continually ignore the importance of active listening and evaluating other people’s perspectives.
Related: I Understand The Warped Mind Of A Narcissist Because I Used To Be One
#How to deal with a conversational narcissist
1. Set boundaries.
Set and communicate your boundaries regarding behavior you find problematic. Calmly and firmly express your need for equal participation, active listening, and mutual respect.
Let the narcissist know that his controlling or selfish behavior is unacceptable to you. Setting boundaries may not prevent the narcissist in the conversation from trying to overcome the topic at hand, but it does give you a reason to stand up to those boundaries.
2. Redirect the conversation.
When the narcissist in the conversation tries to direct the conversation toward themselves only, redirect it back to a more balanced discussion. Intervene politely and ask for input from others or introduce a new topic that includes different participants.
By actively engaging others, you can loosen the narcissist’s control and encourage a more inclusive dialogue. Think of this as if you were engaged in a chat war and needed all the allies you could get.
3. Limit your participation.
Realize that you cannot change the behavior of a narcissist who is speaking. If a situation becomes persistently stressful or toxic, consider limiting your interactions with this person.
You may choose to avoid or minimize interaction with them, especially in settings where their behavior is more prevalent or disturbing.
4. Practice assertive communication.
Use assertive communication techniques to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and confidently. Avoid getting defensive or getting into arguments.
Instead, state your point of view, redirect the conversation if necessary, and stress the importance of balanced engagement and respectful dialogue.
Ultimately, the best (and most satisfying) types of conversations are ones where neither party seeks to monopolize, and where there is give-and-take with the natural flow of ideas—where you are interested in what the other person is saying, not interested in what the other person is saying. Just pretend to be interested until it’s your turn to speak.
Related: 12 Ways To Handle A Narcissistic Boss (And Get Ahead In Spite Of Them)
