It is almost impossible to discuss the topic of narcissism without comparing it to the 200,000 articles on the Internet covering the topic. The topic of sociopathy and narcissism is one of the most popular topics on the web by far. Why? Because many of us live, work, or have been with a narcissist at some point in our lives. It’s almost inevitable that you’ll encounter a narcissist at work, at the grocery store, at the movies, or even at your doctor’s office. Many of us tend to think that narcissists are easy to spot anywhere because they are selfish, uptight, shallow, vain, and hungry for status, financial gain, or attention. But there are other types of narcissists and they don’t always have the “symptoms” or behaviors that we all understand narcissists to have. Some emotionally needy and cruel narcissists display very different “behaviors” or “symptoms.” To me, these narcissists don’t look like narcissists. They seem to be loving, compassionate, and even altruistic. This article will discuss the emotionally needy narcissist and 10 signs to look for.
Note: It is important to add that this article is not written to offend those with personality disorders, but rather to stimulate discussion about people who may fit some of these descriptions.
It is sad to admit that we are a frivolous, selfish and selfish society. It is very easy to spot a selfish person in today’s society, especially with the use of social media. You can Google almost anything and find selfies all over the web. You can search for “fashion” on Google and find random people (who are not “celebrities”) styling different things or making videos with tips on how to look more attractive. What is even more disturbing is to realize how frivolous and narcissistic our youth have become in today’s society. If they are not online in some way, they feel excluded from the “club.” Just do a simple search through YouTube or Instagram and you will find multiple videos from teens on “how to date a pretty girl”, “how to make your hair bigger”, or “how to recognize signs of sexual attraction”. It’s pathetic. Unfortunately, we can blame our advanced technology for the increase in narcissism in our world today. But if we’re being fair, we shouldn’t blame technology alone for the innate feelings of superiority with which some of us are born. In fact, some research claims that narcissism affects about 6% (1 in 16 American adults). My understanding from a clinical point of view is that there is probably a lot more to narcissism than we realize or can carefully study.
Despite the above, we are all fully aware that narcissism can destroy your life, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your achievements, and your morals. You may also end up feeling extremely lonely, unloved, and defeated. As a result, it is important to understand the “symptoms” of an emotionally needy narcissist. What you must understand is that not every narcissist is the same. An emotionally needy narcissist is usually selfish, emotionally unintelligent, and manipulative. These individuals have no idea who they are, who they want to be, or who they should be. Their identity is wavering, shallow, and unstable. One moment they are charitable and kind, the next they can become cold and unaffected by the suffering of others. They go around taking bits and pieces of everyone else’s personality for themselves. They may begin to talk, walk, or act like someone they currently admire. But be careful because this person may get bored with this “role model” and immediately switch to another. A person may also seek companionship only with people who are in positions above him or in similar positions with a strong background. Often there is no basis for their high level of thinking. They see themselves in a better light than they actually are.
It has been my experience in clinical psychotherapy that an emotionally needy narcissist often presents differently than other narcissists. An emotionally needy narcissistic personality can hurt those around them in more ways than a “typical narcissist.” Perhaps the reason for this is that the person does not appear at first glance to be arrogant, but rather compassionate and caring.
However, it is important to keep in mind that some individuals with personality disorders need our compassion and understanding. But we must also aim to protect ourselves if we know that a person is careless with the feelings of others. Some “symptoms” and behaviors that may help you understand an emotionally needy narcissist include but are not limited to:
Engaging in religious activities for their own sake: Fortunately there are some humble, admirable, and loving people who participate in religious activities such as church functions, food drives for the homeless, adoption support groups, etc. Don’t hurt a fly if given the opportunity. There are often wonderful people in the church. But did you also know that there are also narcissists in the church? These people participate in church functions just to get accolades, attention, or even to make themselves feel good about themselves. They leave feeling satisfied that they did their “duties” for the day but have no emotional connection to what they did. Instead of reaping the rewards of altruistic giving, an emotionally needy narcissist will look to others to learn how hard they have worked, how long they have been at the job, or how open they are to others during an event.
Appearing familial: You have, and I’m sure you have, had the experience of an emotionally needy narcissist who seems very close to his family. They do almost everything with their family and are rarely seen without the family. This person is “family oriented” not because he loves family, but more so because family gives the person a sense of self-worth or identity to the outside world. A “family-oriented” person has no identity outside of the family unit and clings for selfish reasons.
I don’t seem natural or real: I’ve talked to people who make me feel choked up when they talk to me. They are loud, overly positive, abrasive, and authentic. Everything they say sounds scripted, rehearsed, or well thought out. This person tries hard to seem real and authentic, and may speak negatively about people who are not authentic. They know what keywords to use to attract people and seem to say everything right. The key to spotting this type of person is to keep in mind how you feel with them in your presence. You will intuitively know when you feel uncomfortable.
Pursuing relationships that they believe will only increase status in some way: A client once told me about a colleague they were struggling with who would try everything in her power to get the attention of the director of special education at a small special needs school/clinic where they worked. The person was in desperate need of the attention of the director, who was also a child psychiatrist. She was boring, laughed too much or too loudly, and asked for validation when she spoke. For example, if she was sharing an idea in a meeting with him, she would nod or give him long periods of eye contact looking for his “confirmation” that her ideas were on point. She had no self-confidence or sense of competence unless he “approved” or approved of her ideas.
Related : If You Wonder Whether You’re A Narcissist . . .
Hiding themselves with their achievements: You may have seen this type of person before. They use their money, material possessions, articles, books, interviews, job history, family, impressive friends, etc., to make up for all their shortcomings. Sad to say, some people will use the fact that they have adopted or fostered children for long periods of time as a cloak. These people know that others view parents who foster or adopt children as “superior” or “overly compassionate people.”
Seeking Compliments or Validation: As mentioned above, an emotionally needy person is often looking for some way to rank above others or at least rank higher in their mind. A person who trolls for compliments may manipulate others by complimenting them first. For example, a person might say, “You look so beautiful today, Beth, where did you get that outfit?!” Beth might answer, “Oh, thank you very much. I bought it yesterday on sale. You look really nice today, too!” Or you might have someone say, “I’ll never wear that green hat again because everyone seems to like it.” Someone else might say, “Why ? You look so pretty in that hat. We love it so much on you!
Avoid conflict or do the opposite at all costs: Have you seen someone who will continue to get along at all costs just to maintain their positive reputation? A person is not necessarily wise, thoughtful, or careful in how they handle things, but they fear backlash or being viewed negatively. The goal of not standing is to ensure that they maintain their “positive reputation.”
Relying only on their beliefs, perceptions, or actions: This person may seem humble and outgoing until you try to show them something you have done yourself. The person might say, “What if we did it this way?” Or “Why don’t you phrase your sentence this way?” You will find that once you change things the way the other person wants them, they will tell you how beautiful things are.
Appearing emotionally attached but lacking empathy: An emotionally needy person can be very selfish because they only cling to others or seem to need them to make themselves feel better. Clinging is not flattery. It is unstable and needy behaviour. An emotionally needy person may seem attached to you because ultimately they “need you” to make them feel better emotionally. But do not ask this person to be by your side when you need emotional support because he will most likely reject you. They are not emotionally available to you and cannot give you the time, compassion, love, or support that you feel you need. It’s a one-way relationship.
Having shallow, short-term feelings or relationships. They seek validation and then drop you: This type of “symptom” is often found in individuals who have very intense, but short-lived, relationships. An emotionally needy individual thrives on the “butterflies,” high emotional arousal, and sexual attraction that often come with new romantic relationships. Once a person gets bored of this or feels that the high emotional intensity is no longer exciting, he or she will move on. You will know this because you will no longer feel connected to this person, and you may feel taken advantage of or taken advantage of. Many of my past clients have struggled with relationships of this type.
It is important for us all to keep in mind that there are emotionally stable people who engage in the above behaviors but are not always aware of how they affect others. There are also very impressive people who go to church, foster or foster children, volunteer their time, seem well adjusted in life, are very family oriented and are completely normal. You want to see the above symptoms and behaviors as a problem when a person shows the above characteristics repeatedly. You also want to view narcissism on a scale from mild to moderate to severe.
