Key Points
The narcissist’s personality often appears inflated, condescending, self-obsessed, and extremely arrogant.
The narcissist’s image usually hides a very fragile self-esteem.
The narcissist doesn’t care about others, only what he or she wants to get out of them.
“That’s enough of me talking about myself; let’s hear you talk about me.”
― Anonymous Narcissist
“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know.”
― Anonymous Narcissist
The Mayo Clinic Research Group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an exaggerated sense of their importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and have little regard for others’ feelings. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that becomes vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” This alter ego often appears pretentious, “above everyone else,” self-obsessed, and extremely vain.
How do you know if you’re dating a narcissist? Here are 10 telltale signs, with excerpts from my books How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Transform Your Higher Self. While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, the pathological narcissist tends to be a regular presence in many of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned) of how their actions affect others.
- They Love to Talk About Themselves
One of the easiest ways to spot a potential narcissist is to listen to the way they talk. The pathological narcissist loves to talk about themselves, often in grandiose, exaggerated terms. They’re also likely to dominate the conversation. Common conversation topics for narcissists include achievements and successes (award complex), exciting and envy-inducing activities, excessive focus on personal issues and concerns, excessive focus on appearance and materialism, and insulting others to demonstrate one’s superiority.
- Charming and Romantic – But with a Clues
Many narcissists may appear charming and charming, especially during the early stages of a relationship, when they are trying to win you over. Like a skilled salesman, they use charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, seduction (flirting, gifts, dinners, outings, sex, etc.) to get you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being charming, romantic, and a good lover, a narcissist designs these traits to exploit others. He or she is not interested in you, but rather in what they want to extract from you (often to fill an inner void caused by an inability to create real intimacy).
- Lack of Reliability and Follow-Through
Another way to spot a narcissist is to measure their actions against their words. Many narcissists lack reliability and follow-through. This can range from regularly breaking appointments, to routinely breaking promises and agreements. Lack of emotional reliability can also be emotional — being there for you one minute and then disappearing the next. When you notice a pattern of inconsistency between what your partner says versus what they do, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
- Instant Gratification
Some narcissists, who are self-absorbed and self-absorbed, expect instant gratification to get their needs met. This can range from provoking you to respond to their texts or calls right away, to pressuring you to do things their way (socially, personally, and/or sexually). One quick way to spot a potential narcissist is to gently say “no,” or “let me think about it,” to a request you’re uncomfortable with, and see how your date responds. If he or she tries hard to convince you and doesn’t back down, or shows signs of impatience, annoyance, or anger (like a naughty child), take note.
- Rule and Boundary Violator
Narcissists often enjoy getting away with violating social rules and norms, such as cutting in lines, chronically not paying tips, stealing office supplies, missing multiple appointments, or breaking traffic laws.
“I take pride in convincing people to make exceptions to their rules.”
Narcissists Anonymous
In addition, pathological narcissists often display a deliberate disregard for others’ thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space. They overstep boundaries, use others without consideration or sensitivity, and take pride in their Machiavellian actions rather than showing remorse.
- Entitlement
Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect people to meet their needs, without considering their own needs in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. For example, pay attention to how your date treats service personnel, such as waitresses or waiters, and other support staff. If they order around like a king or criticize minor service flaws, be wary. At some point, your date may begin to exercise similar entitlement toward you.
- Manipulation: Using Others to Expand the Self
Some narcissists will use their romantic partner to satisfy unreasonable selfish needs, fulfill unfulfilled ambitions, or cover up perceived shortcomings and flaws in themselves.
“I can’t wait to show you off to my friends and make them jealous!”
― Anonymous Narcissist
“I convinced my girlfriend to let me live with her for free. I also let myself use her car.”
― Anonymous Narcissist
- Constantly Putting Others Down
To create a facade of superiority and hide hidden insecurities and inadequacies, some narcissists will constantly try to put others down to enhance their desirability and acceptance. Targets of their negative talk may include “inferior” colleagues, “incompetent” managers, “ignorant” friends, and “flawed” past relationships. During the initial phase of dating, the narcissist may cast a spell on you and entice you with numerous compliments. However, even during this stage, pay attention to the jokes and passive-aggressive comments your partner makes about your background, body features, clothing choices, time use, and personal and work priorities. Consider whether these comments are reasonable, or reflect your partner’s selfish desire to “change you for the better.”
- Reacts Negatively When You Don’t Give Them What They Want
Because many narcissists can’t stand disappointment or rejection, they often react negatively when you don’t give them what they want in the way they want it. Some common responses include:
Anger – tantrums. Negative judgment. Personal attacks. Sarcasm.
Passive aggression – ignoring. The silent treatment. Withholding love and affection (as it is). Sarcasm. Studied detachment.
Emotional coercion – blaming. Guilt trips. Calling your partner ungrateful. Threatening to withhold love and intimacy (as it is). Pretending to be a narcissistic victim.
- Not committing to a serious relationship
If you and your partner have been in a relationship for a long time, and your partner is unwilling to make a serious commitment, this may be cause for concern. There are many possible reasons for a partner’s lack of commitment. Some are very reasonable and deserve serious consideration. However, others may be downright selfish. What characterizes a narcissist’s lack of commitment is his desire to maintain the status quo with you, reaping the benefits of intimacy, while keeping an eye out for other, perhaps more eligible (from the narcissist’s perspective) possibilities.
