Key Points
The signs of a narcissistic partner can take a while to fully reveal.
A narcissist may use the silent treatment as a way to gain power, control, and confuse their partner.
This is part one of a series. In part two, you’ll learn more about narcissistic behavior and how you can deal with it.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining and can take a toll on your mental health. You find yourself feeling guilty about things that aren’t really your fault. You find that what your partner told you last week, they deny this week. In my book, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free , I write about the red flags a narcissist or someone who’s manipulating you gives off—and how to deal with them.
Keep in mind that these 10 signs of a narcissist don’t show up right away; they may show up slowly. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is usually fast-paced, and the narcissist will tell you that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them. However, things start to change.
- You are isolated from your family and friends.
“Why do you need to visit your aunt? I visited her last month.”
“She’s still in the hospital.”
“Like I said, I visited her last month.”
The time you spend away from the narcissist is when they may begin to detach. Projection is a hallmark of a narcissist. If they are cheating on you (which is more common among narcissists than non-narcissists), they will accuse you of cheating. These accusations are heightened when you go out of town or engage in an activity without them. Also, time away means less interest in them.
- They try to turn you against others.
The narcissist will use phrases like “Everyone knows you’re no good to me”; “Sally said I should leave you, she knows how you are”; “Harry said he’d be happy to be with me.”
Keep in mind that “everyone,” “Sally,” and “Harry” probably didn’t say these things. It’s a way for the narcissist to control you, make you feel “less than,” and isolate you from others.
When you confront Sally and Harry, they tell you that they never said anything like that to the narcissist. When you confront the narcissist, they say, “Of course, they told you they never said that. How stupid of you to ask.”
- The rules apply to you, not to them.
They cheated—and you’re expected to forgive them. The narcissist says that if you hadn’t spent so much time with the kids, they would have gotten their needs met and wouldn’t have cheated on you. But in a healthy relationship, partners will communicate about not meeting their needs rather than the cheating. You’ll never meet the narcissist’s needs; they have bottomless needs. If you look to someone else, the narcissist questions your loyalty and may resort to calling you names. (See “Projection” above.)
- You’re never good enough.
Narcissists say they betrayed you because you’re no longer interesting. “It’s your fault” is a common theme with narcissists; they may say this directly or indirectly. When the initial “honeymoon” phase of a relationship is over (as it is with all relationships), narcissists will start looking for ways you can improve. They may comment on your appearance, sometimes in direct ways (“That outfit looks awful”) or in indirect ways (“What’s that spot on your face?”).
- You get “rewarded” for defying them.
If you break the narcissist’s rules, be prepared for a backlash. Narcissists will tell you when they’re experiencing a “narcissistic injury.” As in an abusive relationship, blowups are followed by reconciliation. However, keep in mind that when you make peace with a narcissist, the next blowup (and it’s coming) will be bigger than the last. Each time there’s a blowup, the emotional abuse may start to escalate into verbal abuse—and then into physical abuse.
- They are very competitive.
They discover that you are a good singer; they start singing in a band. You tell them that you are not well; suddenly they are sicker than you. They may suggest that they are better than you at something, and they may say so in front of other people. They tell you that they know more about therapy than your therapist. Being better than the narcissist at something is not an option for them.
Narcissists may also spend an inordinate amount of time on their appearance and looking at themselves in the mirror. They will brag about their strength for no apparent reason. They want to make sure that they are the most attractive person in the room.
- They tell you that others are out to get them.
Their uptight colleagues don’t know greatness when they see it; they can’t possibly have their way with the narcissist. The narcissist is never the one to blame. Narcissists have ego-congruent behavior: they believe that everyone else has the problem, not them.
- They describe their ex in derogatory or inappropriate terms.
When someone constantly refers to their ex as a “bad girl” or talks about how their ex has treated them wrong in all their relationships, there is a common theme: narcissism. Narcissists tend to use derogatory terms when talking about past relationships. Also, listen for any stories about past relationships where the narcissist says it was all their ex’s fault.
- They use the silent treatment.
In a healthy relationship, people sometimes need a “time out” to collect their thoughts or calm down. In a short period of time, the narcissist will be willing to communicate with their partner again and/or talk things out. In the case of the “silent treatment,” the narcissist simply refuses to communicate. This is a way to gain power and control and confuse you. Sometimes, the silent treatment happens after the narcissist feels you have insulted them in some way. However, they don’t tell you why they are doing it, and you really have no idea why.
- Your needs are met with silence, or you only get verbal favors.
“Can you help me with the kids’ science projects tonight? I had a long day at work.”
Silence
“Hey, did you hear me? I need your help.”
“Yes, sure, I’ll do that.”
The narcissist stays on the couch
Either your requests for help are ignored, or the narcissist tells you they’ll help and never does. Pay attention to the difference between a narcissist’s talk and their actions. There’s usually a big difference between the two.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, seek help from a mental health professional for individual therapy. Narcissists can be volatile, so if you feel your safety or the safety of your children is at risk, contact a helpline or your local domestic violence shelter.
