A covert narcissist has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does not display the sense of self-importance often associated with this condition. They may experience insecurity and low self-esteem.

The term “narcissist” is used a lot. It is often used as a catch-all term to describe people who have any of the traits of NPD.

These people may appear selfish or so focused on their self-importance that they have lost touch with reality. Or they may not seem to care about others and rely on manipulation to get what they want.

In reality, narcissistic personality disorder is not that simple. It occurs on a spectrum that includes a range of possible traits.

Experts generally agree that there are two distinct subtypes. One is covert narcissism, also called vulnerable narcissism.

Covert narcissism typically involves fewer outward signs of “classic” narcissistic personality disorder. People still meet diagnostic criteria but have traits not typically associated with narcissism, including:

• Shyness and introversion
• Self-consciousness
• Insecurity
• Defensiveness
• Sensitivity to what others think of them

Signs of Covert Narcissism

The following signs may also indicate covert narcissism. Keep in mind that only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose a mental health condition.

If you notice these traits in a loved one, encourage them to seek support from a therapist trained to help people with personality disorders.

High sensitivity to criticism

Narcissistic personality disorder typically involves insecurity and a sense of self-confidence that is easily damaged. This can manifest in covert narcissism as extreme sensitivity to criticism.

Criticism is threatening because it serves as evidence that a person’s negative self-image may be true. When they receive criticism instead of admiration, they may take it hard.

This sensitivity isn’t unique to narcissistic personality disorder, of course. Most people don’t like criticism, even constructive criticism.

However, paying attention to how someone responds to real or perceived criticism can provide further insight into whether you’re looking at narcissistic sensitivity.

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People with covert narcissism may make dismissive or sarcastic comments and act as if they’re above criticism. But internally, they may feel empty, humiliated, or angry.

Passive aggression

Most people have probably used this manipulative tactic at one time or another, perhaps without realizing it. However, people with covert narcissism often use passive-aggressive behavior to express frustration or make themselves appear superior.

Two main reasons drive this behavior:

A strong belief that their “specialness” entitles them to get what they want

A desire to get back at people who have wronged them or achieved greater success

Passive-aggressive behavior can include:

Sabotaging someone’s work or friendships

Bothering, mocking, ridiculing, or making fun of others

Giving the silent treatment
Subtle blame that makes others feel bad or wonder what happened

Procrastinating on tasks they consider beneath them

A tendency to belittle themselves

A need for admiration is a core feature of narcissistic personality disorder. This need often leads people to brag about their accomplishments, often through exaggeration or outright lying.

Dr. Murray Joseph, Ph.D., a psychologist, suggests that this may be related to internal self-esteem issues.

He explains that people with covert narcissism “have to spend a lot of time making sure that they don’t feel bad, that they don’t feel inadequate, ashamed, limited, or small.”

People with covert narcissism also rely on others to build their self-esteem. They react strongly to any perceived criticism that confirms their negative sense of self.

They may speak modestly about their contributions with the primary goal of earning compliments and appreciation. Or they may offer a compliment to get a compliment in return.

Shy or withdrawn nature

Covert narcissism is more strongly associated with introversion than other types of narcissism.

This is related to narcissistic insecurity. People with covert narcissistic personality disorder are deeply afraid that others will see their flaws or failures.

Revealing their deepest feelings of inferiority can shatter the illusion of their superiority. Avoiding social interactions helps reduce the chances of exposure.

People with covert narcissism may also avoid social situations or relationships that lack obvious benefits. They simultaneously feel superior and tend to distrust others.

Research from 2015 also suggests that managing the distress associated with narcissistic personality disorder can be emotionally draining, leaving little energy to develop meaningful relationships.

Grandiose Fantasies

People with covert narcissism spend more time thinking about their abilities and accomplishments than talking about them. They may appear arrogant or have an “I’ll show you” attitude.

“They may retreat into fantasy, an internal narrative world that doesn’t match reality, where they have exaggerated importance, powers, or specialness that is the opposite of what their actual lives are like,” Joseph says.

Fantasies may include a trusted source:

Getting recognized for their talents and promoted at work

Being admired for their attractiveness everywhere they go

Receiving praise for saving people from disaster

Feelings of depression, anxiety, and emptiness

Covert narcissism carries a higher risk of co-occurring depression and anxiety than other types of narcissism.

There are two main reasons for this:

Fear of failure or exposure may contribute to anxiety.

Frustration, high expectations that don’t match real life, and the inability to get the recognition they need from others can trigger feelings of resentment and depression.

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Feelings of emptiness and thoughts of suicide are also linked to covert narcissism.

“People who are deeply pressured to please and satisfy themselves must do everything they can to maintain that illusion and maintain their self-esteem,” says Joseph. “Failure to maintain that illusion involves the bad feelings that come with the reality of failure.”

Tendency to hold grudges

A person with covert narcissism may hold grudges for a long time.

When they believe someone has treated them unfairly, they may feel angry but not say anything at the moment. Instead, they are more likely to wait for the perfect opportunity to make the other person look bad or get revenge in some way.

This revenge may be subtle or passive-aggressive. For example, they may start a rumor or sabotage the person’s work.

They may also hold grudges against people who deserve the praise or recognition they believe they deserve, such as a coworker who got a well-deserved promotion.

These grudges can lead to bitterness, resentment, and a desire for revenge.

Envy

People with grandiose narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder often envy other people who have things they feel they deserve, including wealth, power, or status.

They also often believe that others envy them because they are special and superior.

People with covert narcissism may not discuss these feelings of envy outwardly, but they may express bitterness or resentment when they don’t get what they think they deserve.

Feelings of Inadequacy

When people with covert narcissism can’t live up to the “supernatural” standards they set for themselves, they may feel inadequate in response to this failure.

These feelings of inadequacy can lead to:

Shame
Anger
Feelings of helplessness

Joseph suggests that this is based on projection.

People with narcissistic personality disorder have unrealistic standards for themselves, so they unconsciously assume that others hold them to these standards as well. To live up to these standards, they would have to be supernatural.

When they realize they are just human, they feel ashamed of this “failure.”

Selfish “empathy”

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible for people with narcissistic personality disorder to at least show empathy. But they spend so much time trying to build their self-esteem and prove their importance that it often holds them back, according to Joseph.

People with covert narcissism, in particular, may appear empathetic toward others. They may seem willing to help others or do extra work.

You may see them perform an act of kindness or empathy, such as giving money and food to someone sleeping on the street or offering their spare bedroom to a family member who has been evicted.

But they generally do these things to gain the approval of others. If they don’t receive praise or admiration for their sacrifices, they may feel bitter and resentful and make comments about how people take advantage of them and don’t appreciate them.

Causes of Covert Narcissism

While the causes of covert narcissism are not well understood, research suggests that narcissistic personality disorder may develop due to a combination of factors, including Source:

Genetics
Early relationships with caregivers and relatives

One study found that people with covert narcissism may have had more authoritarian parents and may recall childhood trauma and abuse more often than those with grandiose narcissism.

However, other research does not support a link between childhood abuse or trauma and the development of covert narcissism. More research may be needed in this area.

Some personality traits are also more common in people with narcissistic personality disorder, such as aggression, low-stress tolerance, and difficulty regulating emotions.

How to Deal with or Cope with a Covert Narcissist

Whether it’s a friend, family member, coworker, or significant other, maintaining any kind of personal relationship with a covert narcissist can be challenging.

Here are some tips on how to deal with a covert narcissist:

Learn more. Understanding the signs of covert narcissism can make it easier to know when it’s time to seek support, distance yourself, or end the relationship altogether.

Set healthy boundaries. Since many people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder lack clear boundaries, it’s important to reinforce your boundaries by setting realistic limits and taking space from the relationship as needed.

Avoid getting offended. While it may be easier said than done, it’s important to avoid taking things personally. Recognize that any hurtful comments or passive-aggressive remarks aren’t about you, and then don’t react or engage.

Build a strong support system. Seek support from friends and family members, who can offer a fresh perspective and help you recognize when you’re being manipulated.