There’s a fine line between harmless conversation and judgmentalism. And often, we don’t even realize we’ve crossed that line.
The key lies in our choice of words. Phrases that seem innocent can have a judgmental tone, subtly conveying our biases and prejudices.
Let’s be honest, no one likes to be judged, especially under the guise of harmless chatter. But how do you recognize these phrases?
In this article, we’ll explore 10 phrases that seem harmless but are full of judgment. And trust me, once you recognize them, you’ll be surprised at how often they pop up in your everyday conversations.
1) “You’re so brave for trying…”
We’ve all heard this phrase before, usually offered as a compliment. But let’s dig a little deeper.
While it may seem encouraging on the surface, this comment is often loaded with judgment. It implies that the task at hand is either too difficult or out of the ordinary for the person trying to do it.
Let’s take an example. Let’s say you’re at a party and decide to sing karaoke. Someone comes up to you afterward and says, “You’re so brave for trying to sing that song.” Now, this person might be genuinely complimenting your bravery. Or they might be insinuating that your singing wasn’t great and that it was “brave” of you to try it in public.
The subtle judgment here is that you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone or exceeded their expectations in a way that surprises or even shocks. While it may be unintentional, this type of indirect compliment can make the recipient feel belittled or ashamed.
Before you call someone “brave,” take a moment to consider whether you’re truly complimenting their bravery or whether you’re subtly judging them.
2) “If I were you…”
This is a classic saying and one I’ve been guilty of using myself without realizing the judgment it carries.
A few years ago, a friend was going through a tough breakup. I tried to help, and I said, “If I were you, I would have gotten over it.” While my intentions were good, looking back, I realized how judgmental I was.
The problem is that the phrase “if I were you” assumes that my perspective and solutions would work for others. It ignores the other person’s feelings and experiences, implying that they are not handling their situation well.
In reality, each of us is unique. No two people react to situations in the same way. So assuming that your approach is the best is not just judgmental; it’s unrealistic.
Instead of saying “If I were you,” try empathizing with their feelings or asking them how you can support them. That way, you respect their individuality and make them feel heard rather than judged.
3) “At least you have…”
This is a phrase that often creeps into our conversations, usually with good intentions. “At least you have…” is often used to highlight the bright side of someone else’s situation.
Interestingly, researchers have found that this phrase does more harm than good. People often use them to try to make others feel better by pointing out what they have to be thankful for. However, they can inadvertently minimize the person’s feelings or the difficulties they are facing.
For example, if someone loses their job and says, “At least you have good health,” it can make it seem like their current struggle isn’t important or worth discussing. This statement carries an implicit judgment that the person is overreacting or not appreciating what they have.
Instead of using this phrase, acknowledging the person’s struggle and offering your support can be more helpful and less judgmental. It validates their feelings and shows that you respect their perspective.
4) “You always…” or “You never…”
These are two phrases that creep into our language, especially during arguments or heated discussions. “You always forget to take out the trash” or “You never listen to me” seem like harmless expressions of frustration, right?
But here’s the catch. These statements are judgmental because they label the person and their behavior as fixed and absolute. It ignores the times when the person has acted differently and leaves no room for change or improvement.
Furthermore, it can put the other person on the defensive, making it difficult for them to hear what you’re trying to say. It’s like you’re not just criticizing a specific action, but their entire person.
Instead of using “always” or “never,” try to address the specific situation or behavior that’s bothering you. This approach is less critical and more likely to lead to a productive conversation.
5) “Shouldn’t you…”
This phrase is a master of disguise. It often sounds like genuine concern or advice, but underneath it lies a layer of judgment.
“Shouldn’t you be studying instead of playing video games?” or “Shouldn’t you be saving money instead of buying that new phone?” — these phrases imply that the person isn’t making the right choices, by your standards.
By suggesting what someone “should” do, we are judging their decisions and implying that we know better. This can make the other person feel critical and defensive, even if that’s not our intention.
Instead of telling someone what they “should” do, consider asking about their choices or sharing your concerns in a nonjudgmental way. This approach respects their autonomy and opens up a dialogue rather than shutting it down with judgment.
6) “I know exactly how you feel…”
This phrase is often used with the best intentions, to show empathy and connect with someone who is going through a difficult time. But here’s the thing—it can unintentionally come across as judgmental.
When we say, “I know exactly how you feel,” we are assuming that our experiences and emotions are the same as the other person’s. But each person’s journey is unique, and their feelings are unique. By claiming that we know exactly how others feel, we may inadvertently belittle their experiences and impose our perspective on them.
Instead, try saying something like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.” This acknowledges their unique experience and offers your support without judgment. It’s a simple change in wording, but it can make a big difference in how your words are received.
7) “You’re too sensitive…”
This phrase is something I’ve heard more times than I care to count. It’s often used as a way to dismiss or minimize someone’s feelings or reactions.
In my experience, when someone tells me I’m “too sensitive,” it feels like they’re dismissing my feelings, making me question my feelings, and essentially judging me for feeling the way I did.
The problem with this phrase is that it implies that there’s a “right” level of sensitivity, and anything beyond that is “too much.” But feelings aren’t one-size-fits-all. What might seem like an overreaction to one person might be a perfectly normal response to someone else.
Rather than labeling someone as “too sensitive,” it’s helpful and respectful to acknowledge their feelings and try to understand their perspective. This approach allows for open, nonjudgmental communication.
8) “But you look good…”
We often associate looking good with feeling good. However, this isn’t always the case, and this phrase is a perfect example of why.
“But you look good” is often used as a response when someone shares that they’re not feeling well, especially in the context of mental health or chronic illness. While it’s usually meant to be a compliment, it can be judgmental because it dismisses a person’s feelings based on their physical appearance.
The truth is, that appearances can be misleading. Someone may look perfectly fine on the outside while suffering on the inside. By focusing on their outward appearance, we invalidate their inner experience.
So next time, instead of basing our responses on someone’s appearance, let’s try to listen and understand how they’re feeling. That way, we can offer our support without being judgmental.
9) “It’s just a phase…”
This phrase is often used to dismiss someone’s feelings or experiences as temporary or unimportant. It’s especially common when talking about young people and their interests, passions, or identities.
While this phrase may be intended to provide comfort or perspective, the phrase “it’s just a phase” can be very judgmental. It implies that what the person is going through isn’t real or important and that it will soon pass. This can make the person feel uninformed, invalidated, or underestimated.
Instead of dismissing someone’s experience as a phase, try to acknowledge and validate their feelings. This approach shows respect for their journey, no matter how temporary it may seem.
10) “Why can’t you be more like…”
This is perhaps one of the most judgmental statements. It’s often used to negatively compare one person to another, whether it’s a sibling, a coworker, or someone who is “successful” in society.
The message it sends is clear: “You’re not good enough the way you are.” It suggests that the person should change to fit someone else’s standards or expectations. This type of comparison can be harmful and hurtful, undermining a person’s self-esteem and individuality.
The truth is that each of us is unique, with our strengths and weaknesses. Instead of encouraging comparisons, we should celebrate our differences and appreciate each other for who we are. It’s not about being more like someone else; it’s about being the best version of ourselves.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Words
The journey of communication is as complex as it is fascinating. Every word we speak, every phrase we use, carries a weight and impact that often extends beyond our understanding.
Words can inspire, uplift, and connect us. But as we’ve seen with these 10 seemingly innocuous phrases, they can also be judgmental and cause unintended harm.
Remember, what may seem like a casual remark to you can carry a world of judgment for the person receiving it. It’s not just what we say; it’s how we say it, the context in which we say it, and most importantly, how others perceive it.
It’s been said that language shapes our reality. If that’s true, then we have the power to create a more compassionate and understanding world with our words.
So let’s use this power wisely. Let’s work hard to communicate in ways that respect each other’s experiences and perspectives, and to foster connection rather than judgment. That’s the beauty and responsibility of communication.
