No one is perfect in this world, so the concept of “perfect relationship” does not exist either. But ignoring relationship red flags can be a huge mistake!

Most of us will have at least one significant relationship, if not a few, during our lifetime. Our first intimate encounters may be more difficult or challenging because we are new to the experience of forming an intimate bond with another person, and we may not really know what to do and what to expect. But time and experience should help us navigate future relationships in a much better way.

It is essential that you get to know yourself in all possible ways before moving into a committed relationship. Oftentimes, individuals are looking for a relationship without this basic knowledge.

But how can you hope to get to know someone else if you don’t know yourself first? How can you satisfy the needs and desires of others if you are separated from your own?

As much as these issues may appear, and as much as you may feel that you understand them intellectually, it should come as no surprise that what initially seems unimportant may gain greater importance as ideas emerge over the course of the relationship. When looking back, individuals often feel confused about their behavior and expectations in a relationship.

A really good exercise I ask my clients to do is to write down each partner they have an important relationship with, and then answer questions like: What attracted you to this person in the beginning? Did gravity persist? Has your imagination about this person been validated – what you imagined or assumed was real? How long did the relationship last? Did the revelation during the course of the relationship change your mind? What is a deal breaker? Do any patterns or similarities appear between the relationships and other relationships?

Learn to ask the tough questions out of the gate, the first or second time you meet someone before opinions are solidly formed. Most of us seem to do better when we don’t have real expectations for someone because we hardly know who they are and we don’t yet try to convince them.

And watch out for red flags—indications that something needs to be questioned or validated. These are often clues that something may be a problem in the future.

Here are 10 relationship red flags to look out for:

Lack of communication.

These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Oftentimes, when it seems important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leave their partner hanging, or have to deal with the situation on their own. Often, everything that is “communicated” is expressed through mood swings, and sometimes the frightening “silent treatment”.

Related:

Irresponsible, immature and unpredictable.

Some people have difficulty mastering basic life skills – taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding on to a job, and making plans for their life and future. Small crises surrounding the way they live their daily lives can take a lot of time and energy. If so, there may be very little time and energy left for you and your issues. Maybe these guys are still working on growing. In other words, it can be hard to rely on them for just about anything.

Lack of confidence.

When a person is having a hard time being honest with themselves, it can be difficult for them to be honest with you. Some of this behavior may not be calculated and malicious but just a learned way or habit of coping.

However, lying is illogical. A person who considers himself or herself not responsible for his or her actions lacks integrity and lacks respect for his partner. You may feel, and rightfully so, that there are a lot of “missing pieces,” a lot that you don’t know or that is being intentionally hidden from you.

Significant family and friends don’t like your partner.

If something “weird” about this person seems obvious to those who know you well, you may need to listen to what they tell you. Often, in the midst of a new relationship, hearing criticism about a new “lover” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At least, hear these people out.

Behavior control.

Likewise, a partner may try to “divide and conquer,” creating a divide between you and the other important people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and the people you relate to, limiting your world to only allowing what is important to them. Sometimes, they might even make you choose them over your significant other as an expression of “love.”

Feeling insecure in the relationship.

You may often feel like you don’t know where you stand in the relationship. Instead of moving forward, building on the shared experiences that should strengthen your connection, you feel uneasy, uncertain, or anxious about where you’re headed.

You can get reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working on double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes a little.

A dark or secret past.

Suspicious behaviors, illegal activities, and unresolved addictive behaviors that persist in your relationship are obvious red flags. But you shouldn’t ignore or overlook anything that seems strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. (Of course, if someone does the necessary corrective action and continues to do so for their own good and for the good of the relationship, that’s a different story.)

Not resolving past relationships.

These include not only intimate relationships, but relationships with family members and friends. If the person is unable to assess why past relationships didn’t work out, or constantly blames the other person for all the problems, you can bet with great confidence that the same thing can happen with your relationship.

The relationship is built on the need to feel needed.

We often enter into a strongly defined relationship with our needs. It may be the need for you, my partner, to do certain things for me to make me feel safe and satisfied, or to allow me, as your partner, to feel the need to meet your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of the relationship, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.

Abusive behavior.

Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from apparent to conspicuous moderation—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

A red flag is a good axiom to help you process what you’re really feeling. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at first, but I didn’t listen.”