Words can be like powerful spells that cast their spell on us. This is especially the case when they come from the mouth of a manipulator.
One of the most common tactics they use to get you to do what they want is guilt.
This subtle distortion of reality is designed to play on your emotions and try to make you feel bad.
But don’t be fooled.
It’s important to protect yourself and be on high alert for the following statements. Because whenever you hear them, the manipulator may be trying to play on you.
1) “You’re always/never”
The manipulator uses this phrase to try to paint a picture of a consistent negative pattern of behavior within the other person.
It sounds like they’ve been suffering for a long time, and you’re some kind of tyrant who doesn’t change.
First of all, studies have shown how speaking in this absolute way can be detrimental to our relationships.
It creates this black-and-white aspect to anything being discussed. In that sense, you’re wrong and they’re right.
That’s why manipulators use it as a tactic to try to make you feel bad and hopefully back down as a result.
2) “Do what you want”
However, it’s pretty clear from the way they say it that all is not well and you’re not free to do what you want.
They may protest that you can “fit in” or throw a “whatever” rejection at you.
But this has a clear undercurrent designed to make you reconsider.
As psychotherapist Lisa Gold explains in Psych Central:
“Guilt is a natural form of passive aggression that people resort to when they don’t have the skills or language to communicate their needs or feelings assertively.”
Instead of being honest about how they feel, they try to ignore you to subtly assert their power.
3) “If you cared about me, you would do this”
This is 100% emotional blackmail.
We should never be asked to do something we don’t feel comfortable doing, and we certainly shouldn’t be proving our affection for someone.
When you’re under the influence of a manipulative person, this phrase can be effective in pressuring you to change your mind.
But try to flip the script.
Suggest that if they cared about you, they wouldn’t try to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.
Putting ourselves in situations we don’t want to be in is never a test of our love, it’s always a test of our boundaries.
4) “If it were the other way around, I’d do it for you”
You probably have no way of knowing if this is true. Because the shoe isn’t on the other foot. And realistically, it rarely is.
You’re the one being asked to give back and they’re the one taking.
But this phrase is trying to suggest that they’re just asking you for something that they would do voluntarily as well.
It’s a way of suggesting that the balance of power and affection in the relationship is equal, when in fact it isn’t. Because you are the one being asked to sacrifice.
All the hypothetical scenarios in the world where “they would do the same for you” don’t change that fact.
All that matters is whether they are asking you for something you are happy to do for them. If not, the answer should be no.
5) “I promise, this is the last time”
This is being thrown around as a bargaining chip
The speaker knows your patience is wearing thin. So they are trying to reassure you that this won’t happen again.
They are begging you for this one last favor or act of forgiveness.
But at the same time, they are pushing your boundaries and trying to convince you to accept something you probably shouldn’t.
They are playing on your heartstrings to try to get what they want.
6) “After all I’ve done for you”
This is implying that you owe someone some sort of debt.
Even if someone has helped you in some way, giving shouldn’t come with expectations.
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And it definitely shouldn’t be thrown in your face to try to make you feel bad.
But this often happens during manipulation.
As psychotherapist Lynn Margolis points out in Psychology Today, guilt can go hand in hand with a sense of entitlement.
“Guilt is a form of emotional blackmail. But it’s usually an unconscious process where the person feeling guilty feels entitled and innocent of any wrongdoing.”
Of course, not being aware of the freedoms they have is no excuse.
But it allows them to maintain a certain degree of denial about everything so they can continue to play the victim.
7) “How could you do this to me?”
This is trying to make you responsible for their feelings.
While we should be responsible for our actions, we are never responsible for how someone interprets those actions. Especially when what we do is respectful.
When a manipulator uses this phrase, they generally mean that you did something they don’t like.
Maybe you set boundaries that they don’t like or called them out on inappropriate behavior.
If you set consequences to protect yourself, they may use this phrase to try to make you feel bad about it.
They’re trying to turn things around and shift the blame so they can present themselves as the victim.
They’re trying to show that you’re being unreasonable and that this is having an unfair effect on them.
8) “You only think about yourself”
Translation:
You don’t do what I want and I don’t like it.
There’s a world of difference between selfishness and self-interest.
But manipulators don’t see that.
All they see are their own unmet needs and desires.
Of course, the real irony is that they’re selfish.
That’s why statements like this are uttered by people who lack any self-awareness or have narcissistic traits.
They want you to feel bad because everything you do isn’t about trying to please them.
9) “You don’t know what it’s like”
Saying this, or something similar like “You don’t understand,” is meant to elicit sympathy from you.
They’re trying to make it seem like you don’t have sympathy at all.
If that were the case, you wouldn’t be so harsh with them. You’d be more accommodating and kind. Or so they want you to believe.
But it’s just an attempt to justify whatever they’re asking of you, or an excuse for something bad they’ve done.
10) “I can’t win with you”
This is another “poor me” phrase that manipulators use to suggest that they are the weak ones in the relationship.
It’s a sarcastic, defeatist statement.
It implies that no matter how hard they try, it’s never going to be good enough for you.
Instead of acknowledging whatever they may have done, this shifts the focus back onto you.
The problem isn’t them, it’s your unreasonably high expectations and standards that are putting pressure on them.
When you spot the manipulation, you give yourself power.
Looking for manipulative phrases can save you a lot of pain.
Because once we become more aware of how manipulation is being done, we are in a position to stop it.
When you feel like someone is trying to make you feel guilty, let them know that you understand what they are saying, but more importantly, tell them how you feel about them too.
The vital final step involves strengthening your boundaries so that you can confidently set them.
This is what keeps manipulators from trampling on us with their guilt-tripping ways.
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