“Why can’t you do things right?!”
If you hear this sentence a lot, it can affect your self-esteem. Not only that, but it can also be frustrating. It takes a lot of maturity not to throw up the white flag and say “I’m giving up!” in their face.
It’s even harder if the person is someone very important to you like your parent, best friend, or business partner.
If you’re struggling with being blamed for everything, here are 15 effective ways to deal with it.
I. Maintain your sanity
1) Stay calm
This is a must if you’re dealing with someone who has negative personality traits.
While it can be tempting—and easy—to let your anger rise, it’s important to keep it in check.
The last thing you want is to give them more ammunition to shoot at you. If you lose your temper, they’ll find a way to use it to blame you. They might break a vase and then tell you “You yelled at me, so look what you made me do!”
This doesn’t mean you have to just sit there and bear it in silence. On the contrary, by staying calm, you can better figure out how to deal with your situation.
2) Learn how to calm yourself
When you’re stressed, what things help you calm down or feel good about yourself?
Things like chewing on candy, listening to soothing jazz, or rolling marbles between your fingers, for example.
Think about it and try to find a way to always have some kind of stress relief on hand for times when you feel like you might explode.
Even small distractions can help a lot when things get stressful because they give you a way to mentally escape your situation.
You might want to bring a small bag of candy with you, for example. Or make sure you always have a fidget spinner in your bag. Try to address the root of the problem or you’ll ruin your teeth! But for now, that’s enough.
3) Think happy thoughts
While thinking good things may not solve anything, it can at least give you that cushion from your suffering.
It can help to make a list of things you’re grateful for and keep it in your wallet when you feel helpless and sad about being blamed for everything.
Keep writing down your accomplishments, your big dreams, the memories you love, and the things that make you proud of yourself.
When you hear them raving about how you’re the reason the apartment is always dirty, remind yourself that while that may be true, you do have a great life with a lot of good things to be thankful for.
4) Remind yourself that they’re just a small part of your journey
Blaming ourselves all the time can make us feel useless and insignificant—like we’re good enough and never will be.
If you’re dealing with a particularly difficult mentor or boss, you may feel like you’re always one mistake away from ruining things forever.
If you’re dealing with an annoying, overly critical parent, you may feel like you’re good for nothing.
But that’s not true.
These people who keep blaming you are just one of many you will encounter on your journey through life.
They won’t matter much ten or twenty years from now, so don’t worry about them so much and just focus on becoming the best version of yourself instead.
Also keep in mind that even though it may not seem like it, you are good enough now. And with every day you live, you will continue to improve.
5) Think of it as training
There’s nothing you could want more than to run away from the people who keep blaming you. But sometimes you can’t. Maybe you’re still dependent on them, or maybe you don’t have the resources to start over somewhere else.
For now, it might help to change your mindset instead – and think of the whole experience with them as training in your patience, kindness, and self-love.
People say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s not always true, because sometimes it’s up to you whether you allow something to build you up or tear you down.
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To make it even more fun, you might want to imagine yourself as a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsay. There are plenty of lessons to learn from that, too.
Don’t focus on how you can transform them. Instead, focus on how you can use the experience to improve yourself.
6) Don’t Take It Personally
It’s hard not to take comments and behaviors directed at you, especially if they do it to you all the time and especially if they’re someone important to you.
Whoever they are — whether they’re a lover, a colleague, or a group mate — don’t think that their hurtful words define you as a person.
They’re likely blaming you for their problems. They’re using you as a scapegoat not because of what you did, but because of the things going on inside their minds.
They may have decided to blame you, for example, because they thought you were too cheerful. Maybe the reason they hated your cheerfulness was because they were cheerful, too, just to be made fun of for it.
II. Do some self-reflection
7) Ask yourself, “Are they really always blaming me or do they just feel that way?”
Look, you definitely shouldn’t fool yourself. However, it might help to do some self-reflection. While it’s true that they blame you for things, there’s a chance that they don’t do it as much as they feel.
To answer this question, you need to pay attention to the frequency of your interactions and whether most of them are negative.
The best way to do this is to keep a journal. Write down your negative and positive interactions every day for at least two weeks. If they blame you for everything every day, that’s a toxic relationship that you need to get out of.
However, if you only notice three bad interactions out of twenty, then either those three bad interactions were particularly intense… or maybe you’re insecure, and what they said just happened to trigger your insecurities.
You don’t take all the blame, of course, but this is something that you both need to work on.
8) Ask yourself, “Am I being too sensitive?”
It’s time to take a hard look at yourself—from the moment you were born to the present day.
Do you consider yourself a sensitive person? In general, do you get angry easily?
Do you think people are too careless with their words? Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. Being a highly sensitive person has its gifts.
Asking these questions shouldn’t negate the fact that you’re dealing with a toxic person. It will give you a better idea of how to deal with feeling constantly blamed.
9) Ask yourself, “Did I do something wrong?”
You may not be the sensitive type and maybe with someone manipulative and verbally abusive.
So it’s important to ask yourself if you’ve done something wrong because letting them verbally abuse you can erode your self-esteem.
Think back to the last three or four instances where they’ve blamed you for something. Replay them in your head and put them under the microscope.
Let’s say they blamed you for not waking up early because you were late for an event. Ask yourself if you’ve committed a crime and if it’s a big one. Let’s say it’s a wedding… then, of course, you’ve done something wrong.
But let’s say they blamed you for being lazy and that’s why you don’t get paid enough when that’s not the case – you work 50 hours a week and are still looking for another job – then you’re not doing anything wrong and they’re just being mean and complaining.
If you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, don’t let their words get to you.
10) Ask yourself “Do they have a problem?”
After analyzing yourself, you should of course analyze the person who is constantly blaming you.
Do they have anger management issues? Do they have very high expectations? Are their parents strict? You probably know them well enough to understand what’s going on in their minds.
Next, ask yourself if they’re going through something. Have they told you about a problem that’s worrying them? Maybe they’re just stressed out, and that’s why they’re blaming you for things.
Some people aren’t good at dealing with stressful situations, and if you think this is the case, try to be patient and help them healthily deal with their stress.
