The term “toxic relationship” is all over the lexicon today, but it shouldn’t be normalized if it’s part of your partnership. “Toxic relationships happen when people get stuck in toxic relationship patterns and cycles.
In romantic partnerships, physical or sexual attraction can be a powerful force that draws people to stay in toxic relationships,” couples therapist Melody Lee, LMFT, tells MBG. Toxic dynamics can be fixed with time, effort, and self-awareness. However, both people must be willing to change and accept responsibility to move forward.
Here’s exactly how to fix a toxic relationship:
- Understand if the relationship is fixable
Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a huge caveat. A toxic relationship can change if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, both individually and together.
It will require each of you to examine your actions and do some inner work. If you or your partner aren’t willing to truly put in the effort, the relationship won’t change and should end.
Additionally, if you don’t see any improvement after following these steps, the toxicity may be too severe to overcome, and it may be best to move on.
Note: Any relationship that involves physical violence or abusive behavior requires immediate intervention and is likely to be too toxic to save. Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on the number above or your local helpline as soon as possible. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.
- Be prepared to walk away
“Before you try to confront a toxic partner, make sure your self-esteem and confidence are good enough to know that you’ll be okay if they end the relationship with you, or if you end up ending the relationship with them. If you’re not there yet, seek support,” trauma counselor Millie Gomez, LPC, tells mbg. “If you want to improve your relationship with a toxic partner, you have to be willing to walk away if nothing changes. If you’re unwilling to do this, your partner will eventually learn that no matter what they do, you’re not going to leave.”
Related Story: 10 Necessary Steps To Fix A Toxic Relationship
- Look for the ABCD
“Anyone can recognize a toxic relationship if there’s a constant presence of the ABCDs — accusations, blame, criticism, and demands,” she tells me.
If these behaviors are prevalent in your relationship, talk to your partner about them and agree to work together to end the cycle. When you find yourself falling into any of these behaviors, notice how you escalate the argument by resorting to these toxic behaviors.
It helps to remember that it’s not you versus your partner; it’s both of you versus the communication problem. This collaborative mindset can help you reconnect with your partner naturally.
- Use your voice
Too often in toxic relationships, you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, which can lead to a buildup of resentment over time. If you’re anxious about communicating something to your partner because you’re afraid of their reaction, take note. In a relationship, it’s important to feel relaxed and able to be yourself and bring up concerns when they arise.
Your partner may not realize that their behaviors are making you act disrespectfully. When you’re upset about something, resist the urge to ignore it. Instead, take the time to mindfully exercise your voice (it’s a muscle, so keep using it!) and share how you’re feeling and how it might be creating distance in the relationship. Ask them to recognize how their behavior is affecting you so you can rebuild trust in the relationship.
- Start taking up space
In toxic relationships, one person often doesn’t respect themselves or their needs. “You have opinions, likes, and dislikes, but you constantly find yourself doing something that doesn’t feel right,” says Gomez. “You don’t want to hurt their feelings or make them feel uncomfortable.” Over time, the relationship can become more one-sided, and your needs become less clear to care about.
If you notice this dynamic in your relationship, it’s important to speak up so you don’t continue to perpetuate the behavior. “Help your partner recognize their toxic patterns and cycles, which include triggers, feelings, and behaviors,” she says. Express your feelings to your partner, and let them know that you want to take up space in the relationship so you feel included, too.
- Ask for help
“Anyone can recognize a toxic relationship if one or both partners feel bad about themselves when they’re in the relationship,” she says. “It could be about self-esteem, confidence, or body image.” Being around them makes you feel unstable; in fact, you feel like you’re in a constant state of discomfort trying to be better just to feel good enough.
Healthy love—true, nurturing romance—doesn’t involve any money-making endeavors. You’re good enough simply by being yourself.
If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, things have eroded enough that you may need to bring a mental health professional into your interactions to give you perspective. “In a therapeutic setting, we help each person heal from unresolved wounds such as personal or intergenerational trauma,” she tells me. “It’s important for couples to practice new, healthier cycles of communication and connection.”
7.Learn to trust yourself and stand your ground
Toxic relationships often involve manipulation, a cognitive strategy that creates a subtle and unbalanced power dynamic that seeks to control the moment in the relationship. If you’re constantly questioning your level of sensitivity and judgment, that can quickly turn into distrust of your feelings and thoughts.
Developing mindfulness practices can be key to learning to trust yourself and your own experience. Your truth is not up for debate.
Some ways to do this: Take notes or keep a journal to notice discrepancies between what you’re being told and what’s happening. When you’re fully present and not dismissive of your reactions, the person manipulating you will find it much harder to distort reality. Let him know that his perception doesn’t reflect your experience, and if he continues to talk down to you, you won’t engage with him until he’s willing to listen.
- Explore healthier ways to express criticism together
Constructive criticism can be healthy in all contexts of a relationship. But if someone is habitually criticizing you in a judgmental or condemning way that’s no longer helpful, that’s crossing a line.
“There are critics for everything,” Gomez says. “Every time you do something, they always have a comment about what you did wrong or how you could have done it better. You end up feeling unappreciated.”
To overcome this, Lee advises that it can be as simple as learning how to phrase criticism in a “compliment sandwich” or how to build a dialogue where you can both hear each other’s perspectives, so it’s not just one person’s monologue.
- Don’t mind having uncomfortable conversations
Toxic relationships tend to be filled with little white lies — on both sides, Gomez notes. If your partner tends to react with a snarky vengeance when things don’t go their way or when you don’t agree, you may have gotten into the habit of simply telling them what they want to hear because you “don’t want to waste time explaining the truth.” But healthy relationships are a two-way street, and honesty is crucial for you to meaningfully connect with your partner (and to be able to express your opinion!). When you feel like you’re about to tell a white lie, take a moment to think about what would happen if you told the truth instead. If you feel hesitant to bring up a topic or your instinct is to avoid getting upset, take this opportunity to step in. This is the perfect time to practice effective, clear communication so that these little lies don’t turn into bigger lies and spiral out of control.
- Don’t Move Away Without a Plan for Change
“There’s a pattern of escalation (intensifying emotions) and estrangement (fighting and conflict) without proper resolution. Partners may move on, without a change plan and how to handle conflict differently,” she tells me. Does this sound familiar?
If there’s a history of conflict avoidance and a lack of personal accountability, Lee recommends creating a safe space where each partner feels they can share their feelings, needs, and desires without resorting to ABCD.
If you or your partner grew up in a home where these issues weren’t addressed, you likely didn’t learn how to talk openly and directly about an issue. With patience and positivity, these conversations can be initiated and become a natural way to deal with conflict without any of that toxic energy.
Bottomline
Healing toxic relationships isn’t easy, but it is possible with hard work from both parties. Make sure you have your partner’s buy-in, and pay attention to whether meaningful change is happening over time as you do the work.
Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship that makes you feel good. Don’t settle for less.
