Does the following scenario sound familiar? She finally leaves an abusive relationship, and meets a promising and wonderful person, only to discover that he is just another narcissist!
It’s a vicious and frustrating cycle that can lead anyone to feel helpless. So why does chaos keep happening to you? Are you doing something blatantly wrong?
First, please know that this is a common phenomenon once you are in a toxic relationship for the first time, and I am part of the club too. I’ve had my fair share of experiences in abusive relationships (see #9 below). But I’m happy to say that I no longer have to worry that I will continue to date narcissists because I have done the much-needed inner work to avoid falling into this trap again.
I am happy to share with you that I am in a very loving and mutual relationship filled with respect, thoughtfulness, and affection.
It should be noted that abuse is never your fault. You’re not just attracted to narcissists or deserve their terrible behaviors. But you may inadvertently find yourself stuck in these repetitive dynamics. Here are some of the main reasons why you should keep dating narcissists.
1 – You like “project” partners.
Do you empathize with falling in love with someone’s potential? Do you tend to pity society’s scapegoats or misunderstood people in the world?
If so, you may be attracted to “project partners,” which often coincides with narcissists. If this is your style, you might consider yourself an eternal optimist. You believe that love and attention can change their behavior. You may assume that they have not found the right person, treatment, or life circumstances to improve themselves.
Unfortunately, as you continue to learn, project partners rarely change their ways. They may be presented as damaged goods, and displaying them will not improve their turnaround time.
2 – Their narcissistic behavior seems completely normal
Did you have a narcissistic parent or caregiver? If so, you grew up in a toxic environment where shaming, blaming, and having your character attacked were daily experiences.
Unfortunately, research shows that domestic violence tends to be transmitted between generations. This means that people with abusive parents are more likely to end up in abusive relationships as adults. They may also be more likely to abuse their children.
This is not because you want to repeat the terrible things that happened to you. Alternatively, you may have been subconsciously conditioned to believe that disrespect and hostility are normal parts of a loving relationship.
3-You don’t recognize love bombing
Unfortunately, we live in a world with very skewed perceptions of love. For example, many of our favorite comedies or romance novels feature toxic representations of romance. In these unrealistic fantasies, people may chase each other, fall in love very quickly, and give each other extreme ultimatums from the beginning.
These fantasies mimic something very dangerous: narcissistic love bombing. And if you’re addicted to the idea of exotic romance, you might mistakenly think that red flags are signs of infatuation.
Not all narcissists engage in love bombing, but many do, especially when they are in a new relationship. Because you may feel euphoric, it may be difficult to ground yourself in reality. By the time you realize what’s going on, you may be deep in a narcissistic relationship.
4- You struggle with self-love
If you undervalue or criticize yourself, you are also likely to tolerate the same mistreatment in your relationships.
Narcissists don’t want confident partners. They want people they can mold, change, and control. Subsequently, they have no incentive for you to feel empowered in your relationship.
5 – You lack a basic sense of identity
Many partners feel that their entire life revolves around the narcissist. In some ways, this belief is quite reasonable. There’s a good chance you spend the bulk of your time trying to understand, please, and even read your significant other’s mind.
All this mental work takes away something essential: your own identity. When your life revolves around someone else, you neglect your other relationships and passions. Your personality becomes susceptible to the expectations of others.
Since narcissists are so predatory, they will spot this trait immediately.
6 – You suffer from dependence
As you might realize, codependency and narcissism go hand in hand. A codependent person will allow another person’s behavior, even if it hurts them. This is because they often do not want to cause problems or become a burden.
Thus, if you tend to be a people-pleaser in your relationships, it may make sense to continue dating narcissists. You haven’t learned how to truly set boundaries, which makes you tolerate abusive situations in everyday life.
7- Being single scares you
We all want to be loved, and it’s natural to want the benefits of commitment. Being single may scare you, and you may want to avoid it at all costs. But if you’re so desperate to be in a relationship that you routinely sacrifice your values and standards, you may keep choosing the wrong people.
think about it. If you keep taking the minimum, you are subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve better. Whether you realize it or not, you are exercising this energy in the world.
Narcissists may pick up on this vulnerable behavior and offer to protect or rescue you. They know you don’t want to be alone. So, they promise to be that person who loves you unconditionally. They promise that things will be different this time.
But if you’re afraid of being single, you ignore serious red flags because you think living with those red flags is better than being alone. Even when things go wrong, you may justify staying because you feel trapped.
8 – Do not commit to not calling
How do you usually end your relationships with narcissists? Are you firm and committed to cutting off all contact? Or are you more apologetic and negative?
It’s no secret that ending relationships is challenging. But ending a relationship with a narcissist may seem completely impossible.
Furthermore, not communicating may seem dramatic or cruel. But it is the only way to truly commit to change. It’s also the best strategy to avoid dating narcissists (or staying in narcissistic relationships) in the future.
This is because no contact means respecting your need for integrity and respect. If the narcissist continues to abdicate his power and control over you, you may begin to tolerate this behavior – both in your current relationship and in future relationships.
9- You fall in love with different types of narcissists
Narcissists may all crave power and control, but they use different strategies to satisfy these needs. For example, the most overt narcissists tend to be obnoxious and selfish. You might pick them out of the class because they are the ones who constantly brag about themselves or interrupt others in conversation.
However, more covert or vulnerable narcissists may portray themselves as victims. They may come across as insecure or shy, but you will later realize that they undoubtedly believe they are above everyone else.
On the other hand, cerebral narcissists may attract people with their wisdom and intelligence. You may find yourself easily impressed by their impressive resume before you discover that they insult anyone they consider to be “below them.”
Therefore, it is common for some people to oscillate between different types of narcissists. Don’t blame yourself if this happens. After all, most narcissists are relatively skilled at hiding their true colors to begin with!
10 – Continue to believe that you deserve abuse
Narcissists often get away with their destructive ways because they are skilled at extreme gaslighting. Your ex (or current) partner has probably convinced you that you are the problem. Additionally, you probably spent most of your relationship doubting or second-guessing yourself.
When you think you deserve abuse, you don’t stand up for yourself. You accept your reality as inevitable or even natural. You believe things will never get better.
So, if you want to stop dating narcissists, you have to realize that you don’t deserve the abuse. This rule applies in all circumstances. While your recovery may take some time, the first step is to regain your freedom.
