Does the following scenario sound familiar? You finally leave an abusive relationship, and meet someone promising and cool, only to find out that he’s just another narcissist!
It is a vicious and frustrating cycle that can lead to anyone feeling helpless. So why does the mess keep happening to you? Are you doing something blatantly wrong?
First, please know that this is a common phenomenon once you have your first toxic relationship, and I am also part of the club. I’ve had my fair share of abusive relationship experiences (see #9 below). But, I am happy to say that I no longer have to worry that I will continue to date narcissists because I have done the very necessary inner work to avoid falling into this trap again.
I am happy to share with you that I am in a very loving and mutual relationship full of respect, thoughtfulness, and affection.
It should be noted that abuse is never your fault. You are not just attracted to narcissists or deserving of their outrageous behavior. But you may inadvertently find yourself caught up in these recurring dynamics. Here are some of the main reasons why you should continue to date narcissists.
1 – Do you like “project” partners
Do you empathize with falling in love with someone’s potential? Do you tend to pity the scapegoats of society or the misunderstood people in the world?
If so, you may be attracted to “project partners,” which often coincide with narcissists. If this is your style, you may consider yourself an eternal optimist. You think that love and attention can change their behavior. You might assume that they haven’t found the right person, therapy, or life circumstances to improve themselves.
Unfortunately, as you will keep learning, project partners rarely change their ways. They may appear as damaged goods, and showing them will not improve their time.
2 Their narcissistic behavior seems completely normal
Was your parent or caregiver a narcissist? If so, you grew up in a toxic environment where shaming, blaming, and attacking your character were daily experiences.
Unfortunately, research shows that domestic violence tends to be intergenerational. This means that people with abusive parents are more likely to end up in abusive relationships when they become adults. They may be more likely to abuse their children.
This is not because you want to repeat the terrible things that happened to you. Alternatively, you may be subconsciously conditioned to believe that disrespect and hostility are normal parts of a love relationship.
3 – You do not realize the bombing of love
Unfortunately, we live in a world whose perceptions of love are deeply skewed. For example, many of our favorite romance comics or novels feature toxic representations of romance. In these unrealistic fantasies, people may chase each other, fall in love very quickly, and give each other intense ultimatums from the get-go.
These fantasies mimic something very dangerous: the love-bombing narcissist. And if you’re addicted to the idea of kinky romance, you might mistake red flags for signs of infatuation.
Not all narcissists engage in love bombing, but many do, especially when they are in a new relationship. Since you may feel exhilarated yourself, it can be hard to keep yourself realistic. By the time you realize what’s going on, you may be in the depths of a narcissistic relationship.
4 – Struggling with self-love
If you devalue or criticize yourself, you are also likely to endure the same abuse in your relationships.
Narcissists do not want confident partners. They want people who can shape them, change them, and control them. Thus, they have no incentive for you to feel empowered in your relationship.
5 – Lacks a core sense of identity
Many partners feel their entire lives revolve around the narcissist. In some ways, this belief is perfectly reasonable. There’s a good chance you’ll spend the bulk of your time trying to understand, please, and even read your significant other’s thoughts.
All of this mental work takes away from something essential: your own identity. When your life revolves around someone else, you neglect your relationships and other passions. Your personality becomes susceptible to the expectations of others.
Since narcissists are so predatory, they will spot this trait right away.
6 – Struggling with dependence on others
As you may realize, self-reliance and narcissism go hand in hand. A codependent person will enable another person’s behavior, even if it hurts them. This is because they often do not want to cause trouble or become a burden.
Thus, if you tend to be a people pleaser in your relationships, it might make sense for you to continue dating narcissists. You haven’t learned how to truly set boundaries, which causes you to tolerate abusive situations in everyday life.
7 – Being single scares you
We all want to be loved, and it’s only natural that we want the benefits of commitment. Being single might scare you, and you might want to avoid it at all costs. But if you’re so desperate to be in a relationship that you routinely sacrifice your values and standards, you may still choose the wrong people.
think about it. If you continue to put up with the bottom line, you are subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve better. And whether you realize it or not, you are putting that energy out into the world.
Narcissists may pick up on this vulnerable behavior and offer to protect or rescue you. They know you don’t want to be alone. Therefore, they promise to be that person to love you unconditionally. They promise that things will be different this time.
But if you dread being single, you ignore serious red flags because you think living with those red flags is better than being alone. And even when things are going well, you may justify staying because you feel trapped.
8 – You do not commit to non-contact
How do you usually end relationships with narcissists? Are you assertive and rooted in cutting off all communication? Or are you more apologetic and passive?
It’s no secret that ending relationships is challenging. But ending a relationship with a narcissist can seem downright impossible.
Furthermore, the lack of contact can be dramatic or cruel. But it’s the only way to truly commit to change. It’s also the best strategy for avoiding dating narcissists (or staying in narcissistic relationships) in the future.
That’s because no contact means honoring your need for integrity and respect. If the narcissist continues to relinquish his power and control over you, you may begin to condone this behavior — both in your current relationship and in future relationships.
9- You fall into different types of narcissists
All narcissists may crave power and control, but they use different strategies to satisfy these needs. For example, overt narcissists tend to be obnoxious and self-centered. You can pick them out from a group because they are the ones who are constantly bragging about themselves or interrupting others in conversation.
However, the most secretive or vulnerable narcissists may portray themselves as victims. They may come across as insecure or shy, only to realize later that they undoubtedly thought they were above everyone else.
On the other hand, cerebral narcissists may win people over with their wisdom and intelligence. You may find yourself easily dazzled by their impressive resume before discovering that they put down anyone they consider “less than they are”.
Thus, it is common for some people to vacillate between different types of narcissists. Don’t blame yourself if this happens. After all, most narcissists are relatively skilled at hiding their true colors at first!
10- You still believe you deserve to be abused
Narcissists often get away with their destructive ways because they are so adept at gaslighting. It is possible that your ex (or current) partner has convinced you that you are the problem. Plus, you probably spent most of the relationship second-guessing or doubting yourself.
When you think you deserve to be offended, you don’t stand up for yourself. You accept your reality as inevitable or even normal. You think things will never get better.
So, if you want to stop dating narcissists, you have to really understand that you don’t deserve to be abused. This rule applies in all circumstances. While your recovery may take some time, the first step is to regain your freedom.
How to stop dating narcissists?
Now that you’ve identified some key patterns, what do you do next? How has your life cycle changed?
First, learning to recognize narcissistic patterns is essential. Ideally, you should be armed with this knowledge before you start dating someone new. If you are single and have a history of narcissistic partners, avoid rushing into a new relationship.
Even if you feel tempted to “move on,” you probably haven’t developed a strong radar for spotting narcissism. Insight is the best step forward. Are you aware of your triggers? Do you recognize yourself for any of the above reasons? If so, spend some time thinking about how you can improve those pain points.
Personally, when I left my last toxic relationship several years ago, I forced myself to be alone for a long time. During this period, I did a lot of the healing work that I outlined in Break Free. I gave in and accepted that I wasn’t ready to walk away when the red flags started popping up. I learned my coping schemes and figured out how to overcome my triggers. I have done energy healing, both on my own at home and through energy healing practitioners. I got over the financial PTSD I developed from losing my money and having to start over.
These are the same steps you can take if you’re new to or on the verge of leaving a toxic relationship.
Then, once all the initial healing work was incorporated, I went so far as to rebuild my inner identity, learned how to be comfortable setting boundaries and saying “no,” and finally began honoring myself enough that even if red flags did arise in the future, I could I go away and mean it. (This is how Thrive was born.)
Through this work, I watched old beliefs and negative energies fade away as I watched all of my deepest wishes manifest into real life. I finally felt motivated to go off on new adventures, allowing my story to unfold instead of just dreaming about it. I’ve learned to love who I am, allowing myself to attract the most caring people in my life while staying away from drama lovers—and feeling good about it.
And I promise you that even if you have experienced horrible trauma and abuse, you can still heal your life. You can learn to stop betraying yourself and act in line with your integrity. You can learn how to set comfortable boundaries without feeling guilty. Like you, I once felt hopeless and afraid that I was doomed to date a narcissist, but once I did the inner work and implemented all I had learned, my life began to transform in ways I never thought possible.
