Starting a new relationship is very exciting. But in the search for the perfect partner, many people end up in abusive relationships.

Even worse – some may end up staying in these abusive relationships for a very long time… reliving the abuse day in and day out, while their self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence are crumbling.

In most cases, people do not realize that the person they are falling in love with is abusive. This is why it’s important to get into a relationship that has a solid list of non-negotiable relationship deal-breakers.

This list is not something you should take lightly. Clearly defining this set of criteria can help save a lot of heartache.

Protect yourself with these 10 relationship deal breakers

Many people have a disjointed list of relationship bargains for things like being lazy, being messy, having no sense of humor, or being a tech geek.

These are based on personal preferences.

With that said, the relationship deal breaker that should be on everyone’s bucket list has nothing to do with preferences — it’s about emotional and physical safety. It is crucial to be able to recognize the top relationship deal breakers to determine whether your relationship will last forever or end instantly.

1. Physical abuse
   You’d probably never dream of hurting another person, but not everyone feels the same way. Some people have so much anger inside of them that they find it difficult to control their temper. While everyone loses it now and then because they’re frustrated, that doesn’t mean they have the right to take their anger out physically on their partner. Violence is never justified.
2. Verbal or emotional abuse
   Insulting you, talking behind your back, and making fun of you to their friends—these are red flag warnings of verbal and emotional abuse.

This type of abuse is often used in conjunction with physical abuse, but not always.

The hard side of this kind of abuse is that people can’t see the emotional bruises. But these internal bruises and scars can last a lifetime.

Verbal and emotional abuse is often used as a form of manipulation and is common in cases of narcissistic abuse.

3. Financial abuse
   If your partner doesn’t like working or contributing to your family’s financial well-being, that’s a big warning sign.

Not everyone likes to work – usually because they don’t like their job. But some people simply refuse to make any effort to get and keep a job. They are looking for hard-working and reliable partners.

Eventually, partners find themselves feeling overwhelmed, drained, and frustrated because they’re doing all the work—both in and out of the house. All the time, their partner is at home playing video games, hanging out with friends, or browsing social media all day.

Another form of financial abuse is manipulating a partner with money. How does this work?

The abuser controls the money chains. They don’t allow their partner to work. Or, if they do, they require them to give all of their money to them to be kept in a joint account—an account the abused partner is not allowed access to.

This abuser is bent on controlling and manipulating the partner.

4. Child abuse
   This does not need much explanation. If someone reaches out to your child or starts using manipulation, threats, or any other type of verbal abuse with them – get your child out of there!

But, it is equally important to remove your child from their home environment if you have a narcissistic spouse or partner.

There’s no way to sell it softly – a narcissistic parent can cause profound emotional damage to children. It is not unlike the negative effects alcoholism or other addictions have on families. This is because the children’s emotional wound is, in essence, the same—the emotionally absent parent who loved something else (themselves, alcohol, drugs) more than their child.

Adult children of alcoholics, for example, develop very common and typical children’s coping mechanisms, which end in dysfunctional behaviors when they become adults.

Ineffective behavior may include looking for love in all the wrong places, self-sabotage, and poor coping skills. Children who grow up in toxic environments will find it difficult to adjust to the outside world, so it is best to get them out as soon as possible.

5. An affair
   Some people are willing to forgive their partner after infidelity. In some scenarios, he forgives the cheating partner who acts remorseful. Despite this, there is another relationship and then another. Serial cheating will only destroy your self-confidence. No one deserves to go through that, let alone put up with it constantly.

If your partner cheated more than once, you should look for the nearest way out.

6. An emotionally unavailable partner
   One of the great elements of a healthy relationship is having someone you can count on. However, this cannot be done with someone emotionally unavailable.

Some people act this way because it reflects the environment in which they grew up. That doesn’t mean they’re right, and it doesn’t excuse them from not trying to be there for their partner. If your partner resists talking about feelings or being emotionally supportive (or worse, gets angry when you talk about your feelings), he likely has an avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant attachment is associated with isolation and emotional remoteness. People with avoidant attachment styles suppress their need for any emotional or intimate attachment. They may come across as agreeable and sweet, but when their partners express any emotion, the slacker becomes angry and dismissive.

Because of these tendencies, those with an avoidant attachment style are the worst partners for empaths, INFJs, and sensitive people. This category of avoidant attachment style includes narcissists, as well as the garden-variety love avoidant.

If you make your concerns clear about their emotional unavailability and they refuse to even attempt some changes – it’s just not worth your time to stay at it. You should never be the only person who cares about the relationship.

7. Cluster B personality disorders – including narcissism
   Many people deal with mental health conditions and illnesses and are still able (with a lot of work) to be in a healthy relationship.

However, some suffer from personality disorders that put their emotional and physical well-being at risk.

Some of these fall under the cluster B personality disorders category. They can include:

Narcissistic personality disorder
Antisocial personality disorder
Histrionic personality disorder

According to the Mayo Clinic, many of these disorders can be identified by emotional, dramatic, and often unpredictable behaviors. Those with narcissistic personality disorder engage in narcissistic abuse of their partner, which can include manipulation.

If you have a partner with a personality disorder who refuses to get help, you’d be better off leaving.

8. Your child is beginning to perform poorly in school
   If you have children and live with an abuser, your children are at risk of developing brain abnormalities that can cause aggression, depression, symptoms of ADHD, and other forms of mental illness.

Recent studies using brain scans have shown that chronic stress, negative thinking (caused by emotional abuse), and spending time with unhealthy people damage the brain!

It shrinks the hippocampus and prevents the formation of new neurons. Simply put, chronic emotional abuse and living in a high-stress environment not only kills existing neurons but also prevents new ones from forming, leading to cognitive impairment or memory problems. [1]

So, if your child doesn’t seem to be doing well in school, you can blame that on living in a toxic environment.

But even worse, it leads to PTSD, which is one of the most difficult injuries to treat as it gets stored throughout the brain. [2] One of my readers recently wrote to tell me that all of her children had been diagnosed with PTSD, and she shared how she regretted remaining in an abusive environment.

The bottom line here is that toxic stress disrupts children’s healthy development and can affect brain development, with potential long-term consequences for learning, behavior, and health. [3]

You can see, then, how the adage “staying together for the kids” is not only harmful on so many levels, it is at the root of the generational dysfunction that has fueled an epidemic of depression, anxiety, and wounding adults. in our society today.

9. Threats were made to either harm or kill your pet or worse, they did
   This may seem obvious, but I’ve worked with a few coaching clients whose partner has harmed or killed a beloved pet…and yet, they’re still in the relationship.

If the narcissist in your life harms or kills your pet or farm animal, this needs to be taken very seriously, especially if you have children at home. Not only does this point to the fact that your children could be the target of this psychopath at some point, it will be extremely harmful to your child’s emotional and mental well-being, scaring them for life.

If this happens, contact your local domestic violence center immediately for laws in your state and guidance on how to leave the relationship safely.

10. You have begun to compromise your integrity and values
    In the past, you stood up for what you believed in, but within your relationship, you begin to tolerate (and perhaps even participate in) things that make you uncomfortable because, ironically, doing those things is how you come to believe you can show your love for your partner.

You focus all of your energies on how to get them to love you and treat you again like the soul mate they said you were. Ironically, in the name of “love,” you may have found yourself thinking of degrading intimate activities that make you sick when you think about them.

In other cases, you may have stopped leaving tips at restaurants, donating time or money, volunteering, and participating in other charitable activities because your partner tells you those things are a waste of time and money and makes fun of you for doing them.

Even worse, your kids may have taken a back seat to the constant drama.

A caring and confident person will never force you to participate in things that make you feel uncomfortable or insecure, nor will they force you to stop participating in charitable activities.

If this person has led you to believe that you can only prove your love by violating your values, then this is another obvious relationship deal breaker.

Protect yourself with our list of deal breakers

No one will ever be the perfect partner. Everyone does or says things they are not proud of. And at some point, you will hurt your partner’s feelings and he will hurt you. This is just part of a relationship with an imperfect human being.