Manipulation can be very harsh, but unfortunately it is very effective.
Arguably one of the most devious and harmful methods of controlling someone is through gaslighting.
The idea is to undermine and confuse you to the point where you doubt your sanity and even your perception of reality itself.
Navigating all the nuances of gaslighting is crucial in defending yourself.
So let’s take a look at a range of lighting techniques that manipulators can use to confuse their victims.
1) Constantly belittle and reject your feelings
Minimizing your emotions is one way the gaslighter will try to keep you and your reactions in check.
They may dismiss it as irrational or unjustified, creating doubt within your mind.
For example, they may tell you the following:
“You’re too sensitive”
“You’re always overreacting.”
“You’re in desperate need”
“You are unreasonable”
“You’re too demanding”
They want to minimize everything they did or said that hurt you. The best way to do this is to try to make you feel like your response is unreasonable.
This applies not only to how you feel, but also to your personal experiences as well – as we will see next.
2) Discredit your experiences
Gaslighters often try to invalidate and belittle your experiences.
In this way, it’s not just the way you feel about something that’s invalid. They also want you to believe that the whole experience was no big deal.
Here’s the goal:
By repeatedly questioning your perceptions, they aim to undermine your self-confidence and make you rely on their version of events for the truth.
There are two ways to do this: dismiss your fears as overreactions or insist that your memories are wrong.
3) Questioning your memory and recollection of events
Here’s the funny thing about memory:
It is not 100% objective or 100% accurate.
Our memory is basically a story we tell ourselves about something that happened.
Instead of accurately depicting the event, we tend to reassemble it into a version of our memory.
This does not mean that we do not remember things accurately. It’s more to highlight how memory is manipulated.
This story could be twisted. This is exactly what gas lighters are trying to do.
They will object to things said or done.
After a while, you may begin to confuse their version of events with your version of the truth.
4) Continuous denial, even when there is overwhelming evidence
I call this the shaggy defense, because no matter how unbelievable things may seem:
My point is that they constantly resort to denial no matter what you present to them.
From the outside it seems ironic that they still cling to this position.
But they are so steadfast and persistent with him, that it begins to confuse you inside.
You question yourself and wonder if their commitment to their story means you’re the one who got it wrong.
5) Lie directly on your face
Sniffing out a lie is not easy at the best of times.
But when the gaslighter has already created an environment of confusion, it becomes more difficult.
Many manipulators are experienced liars and have become good at either embellishing facts or outright deception.
6) Strip your self-esteem
For gaslighting to work, someone must confuse you with smoke and mirrors while simultaneously undermining your self-esteem.
They need to make you feel as insecure as possible in order to gain power over you.
This can include:
- Undermining your decisions, ideas and opinions
Making passive aggressive comments
Giving backhanded compliments
Giving mean feedback, while pretending to have your best interests in mind
Tell cruel jokes at your own expense
The more your confidence diminishes, the more powerful they become.
7) Shifting blame and shifting responsibility to yourself
Manipulators love to play the victim, even though they are control freaks.
This is why they often blame their victims, to try to ensure that they bear the burden of responsibility for any negativity.
They hope to draw attention away from their actions so they can control the situation.
They do this through tactics such as:
He accuses you of causing the problem
- Reducing their role in conflicts
They always present themselves as the victim
8) Plant small seeds of doubt to grow confusion
The truth is that if gaslighting was blatantly obvious, it would be less effective.
It has to be precise so you don’t call it right away.
Which is why gas workers have a reputation for planting little seeds of doubt that they hope will spiral out of control.
When that happens, you will still be unsure of the truth.
Hope is slowly distorting reality, making it difficult for you to distinguish fact from fiction.
They contradict themselves to confuse you
Denying the conversations that happened
Using gaslighting statements like “I think you’re just imagining things”
9) Projecting their words onto you
Projection and deflection are additional weapons in the gaslighter’s arsenal.
They will often project their own behaviors, feelings, and flaws onto their victims.
By doing this, it is just another way to take the attention away from themselves and put the blame back on you.
We are talking about:
They accuse you of the behaviors they display
Blaming you for their emotional state – eg. “You made me feel this way”
Deflect criticism by trash-talking things to focus on your perceived shortcomings
This type of diversionary tactic keeps you away from the truth and can be an effective way to confuse you.
10) Isolate you and keep you away from support
When you try to hide reality from someone, you have to isolate your victim from external sources of the mind.
This is why gaslighters often isolate people from friends, family and support networks to gain more control over their lives.
This makes it easier for them to manipulate someone without interfering with their actions.
But again, this is usually done in very subtle ways.
They may:
Try to distort the opinions and advice of others
Seek to control your access to external information or resources
Suggest that others are “interfering” in your relationship
Implying that you need to distance yourself from certain loved ones who are a “bad influence”
Really, they just want to be the only voice whispering in your ear.
Protect yourself from gaslighting
As we have just seen, the manipulation tactics that manipulators use to confuse you are varied and can often have serious psychological consequences.
It’s important to trust your instincts, seek support from people you trust, and prioritize your well-being in relationships or situations where you feel manipulated.
Here is a small checklist to support you against the threat of gaslighting:
- Take a step back from someone when you start to question their behavior or intentions. Space can help you regain some clarity.
- Don’t be afraid to speak up and use your voice to advocate for yourself. This may require working on assertiveness skills.
- Focus on self-care and building your self-esteem and boundaries.
- Come back to yourself and be honest with your own version of events.
- Involve others who can support you. Allies can provide you with an objective point of view to indicate when an illumination is occurring.
