This article presents a “playbook for narcissistic lovers” that will help people still in abusive relationships, to be able to identify the manifest pattern of narcissistic abuse – which they all seem to follow.
It’s a pattern for abuse progression, and if they pass one ‘test’, they rise past the next ‘test’. In other words, if you tolerate a low level of abuse (such as verbal insults), the narcissist is empowered to move on to the next level of abuse, which may be homosexuality against you or eventually, physical abuse.
They may not even realize that they are following this pattern because it is such a fundamental part of their personality that they can’t really stop themselves. You can stop them by ending the relationship at the first sign of abuse, but never try to fix a narcissist yourself. You will not help them and you will only harm yourself.
First, a word on commitment-phobia.
It is important to remember that this pattern does not apply to the narcissistic person’s commitment-phobic pattern, which is what some narcissists belong to. (They get their supplies from other sources – relationships are too scary for them.)
A commitment-phobe will never love you or tell you they love you. Instead, they will run like hell if you try to get someone to commit more or if you tell them you love them.
But this article does not apply to this type of narcissist.
Related: Why You Keep Attracting Toxic People (And How You Can Stop It)
Stages of a relationship with a narcissist.
- Lovebombing / The Idealist.
According to The Narcissist’s Lover’s Playbook, during this violent phase following meeting your narcissistic lover (who chose you because they see you as an easy “sign” for the narcissistic supply), you feel swept off your feet with the fervor and speed with which they seem to want to get to know you and then take things to the “next level.” .
In Narcissistic Lover’s Playbook, this stage includes idealization, intense, almost continuous sex, and the most romantic things you could ever imagine hearing someone say. You feel beautiful, sexy, and your self-esteem goes up. Life seems perfect. This is how they get you to fall under their spell so they can continue to “work” you as the narcissist’s primary source of supply. It won’t last.
Related: 10 Types Of Toxic People You Need To Avoid In Your Life
2 time affidavits.
Your narcissistic lover will declare their undying love for you or even propose marriage or talk about having a family with you within weeks or a few months of meeting you. (This is a test to see how committed you are and to help them gauge how much abuse you can afford/save).
If they actually follow through on their commitment (some others will) it is because they decide you are the perfect source of supply (you make them look good) they can continue to benefit permanently like a backyard well. Only unlike a well, you will not keep refilling it with water, but will eventually be sucked dry emotionally, mentally, or even spiritually. The narcissist’s desire to marry or commit permanently to you has nothing to do with “love.”
3- Boredom and irritability.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the narcissist begins acting bored, distracted, or vaguely upset. If you try to ask them about it, they will deny it, insist nothing is wrong, or act annoyed as you asked.
4- Making fun of others.
Around the same time that you begin to notice their boredom and irritability, you will notice that the narcissist generally seems easily annoyed and begins to hurt others – boss (or employees), family members, other drivers on the road, but they save the worst insults for their ex-lovers or spouses, who They were always wrong about whatever went wrong.
- Decrease or change in sexual desire.
If your lover is brain drugged, he suddenly stops wanting to have sex with you and may turn to pornography or masturbation instead. If the sex is physical, the sex may become less personal and romantic and more “kinky” – for example, they may say they want to try new things in bed to “spic up things” but being more romantic or tender is not one of them. They won’t look at you anymore when you make love.
Related: 7 Types Of People You Should Avoid At All Costs
6- Stiffness.
That formerly generous person who showered you with gifts of candy, flowers, and clothes suddenly stopped buying gifts, telling you they were too expensive, or started complaining about how much they cost in general.
- Emotional/verbal abuse.
Verbal and emotional abuse begins. We all know the many forms that can take because this entire blog is about just that.
Some narcissists will, at this point, devalue and ignore. It simply means that they no longer need you as a narcissistic supply source (they may have found a replacement) so they completely devalue you and leave you. If they don’t leave, their abuse will only get worse. But whether they leave or not, they still devalue you.
- Physical abuse.
Eventually, some malignant narcissists may initiate physical abuse, and again this can start with something as harmless as a “push” or a single slap. If this happens, expect the abuse to intensify if you remain in the relationship.
Even if the narcissist never touches you physically, the emotional abuse will continue to increase until your self-esteem is destroyed. In some ways, it can be worse, because there are no bruises or scars, and the narcissist can easily tell others who can help you that you are crazy or made up.
Related:The 8 Types Of Emotional Wounds and How To Heal Them
What if you decide to call their scam and leave?
The 8 Types Of Emotional Wounds and How To Heal Them
- They will try to “break you” again with love bombardments similar to what you showed when you first met, offering fake but sincere apologies and promises to change. Don’t fall for it.
- They’ll act like the idea of breaking up was their idea all along because you were “too needy,” “too crazy,” “too high maintenance,” etc.
- They’ll act like nothing happened, they’ll even have the chutzpah to keep calling or texting you and act like they’re your best friend. They may tell you all about their new lovers or dates as if there was nothing between you at all. You can be certain that behind your back, they are trashing you for their new conquests — the same way they trash-talked their exes.
- Malignant abandonment narcissists are more likely to try to get revenge, usually by hurling insults at you to others, including possibly your friends, but vindictiveness can take more serious forms as well.
