Many of us firmly believe that there is only one person who can fulfill all our desires. Here’s how to overcome soulmate myths that keep us from finding our true love.
Everyone would like to find a soul mate. In movies and books, this type of person is portrayed as someone with whom they have a deep spiritual connection. You feel relaxed and at peace when you are in each other’s company. They know your flaws and don’t care, or better yet, find them charming and tell you that those flaws are strengths.
“My flaws are my strengths?” you scream. “Wow, someone who sees me.” Yes, you can finally know the real one, without reservation. You share the same values and life goals. It is as if the two of you are destined to be together, and in doing so you complement each other.
looks good? I bet. It would be great.
I’ve known people who have spent their lives searching for their soul mates. I have even known some who told me they had found their soul mate. Most of the time, this turns out to be a case of mistaken identity that has taken a few years, and sometimes even a divorce attorney, to clear up. Close but no cigars.
Every single one of these folk eventually recovered from their astonishment and resumed their search. They were 100% sure that that special soul mate was still alive and well, just waiting to be found.
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Beat the soulmate legends and find the soulmate
As far as I know, none of these love explorers found what they were looking for.
This is likely because soulmates look a lot like unicorns. Beautiful, baffling, and elusive. You’ll have a better chance of locating Sasquatch than having your eyes set on a soulmate.
Why? Because our romantic vision of this type of relationship is most of the time detached from reality. It’s 100 percent fantasy.
This does not mean that you cannot find an amazing person that you can fall in love with and build an amazing future. This is a reasonable idea, and several people have proven that it is possible.
But a soul mate, the ideal person described above, is a fictional creature, not a human being of flesh and blood. If you’re going to have a happy, healthy, and long-term relationship, it’s important to aim for the realistic. Sure, aim high, but with your eyes wide open.
If you make it your goal to find a soul mate, the perfect person who always makes you feel whole, happy, and complete, every love story will eventually end in disappointment.
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Acknowledge that everyone has flaws (including you) and these flaws are bound to surface in our closest relationships. No one can erase another person’s insecurities, selfish impulses, or past pain.
A good person will try to control these dark impulses. A good relationship may weaken them further. But it will not “clear the history”. Expecting this means asking too much.
The pursuit of a soul mate leads you to predict the stars. When you end up receiving the moon, you are likely to feel short of change. Ultimately, it tempts you. “Maybe you’d better move on” because the flawed flesh-and-blood person who loves you doesn’t make you feel “perfect.”
He or she just doesn’t have that sparkle about the soul. Why keep settling when your “true soul mate” is waiting for you somewhere else in the world?
This kind of thinking leads to constant disappointment. It will cause you all kinds of pain. Left uncorrected, it will mislead you so far that you will completely miss out on developing a long-term, fulfilling relationship with someone who cares deeply about you. Instead of building this kind of real-life relationship, you will end up chasing a ghost.
So put the soulmate idea on the shelf, right next to other fairy tales, and instead think of a half dozen or so qualities a spouse (or intimate partner) must possess to be a good fit for you. Write these qualities down on a piece of paper, and also write how you would know this person has these qualities.
For example, if a person needs to be kind and compassionate, how do you expect that to be demonstrated? Perhaps the person is thoughtful, volunteers for a charity helps family and friends even when it feels inconvenient, and so on.
The more you see this person acting nice, over a long period, the more confident you will be that this is a quality they have.
Then write another list. This person has those qualities that you cannot and do not want 100% in a romantic partner. It might be something most people would agree with, like avoiding anyone who can’t be trusted.
There may be other items on this list that you think are silly but are nonetheless important to you. You probably can’t stand someone smacking their lips when they eat. Well, it sounds a bit petty, but on the other hand, are you willing to spend 40 or 50 years hearing lip-smacking at every meal? Exactly, write that too.
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Now you have a list of “must have” and “must not have” adjectives. These are not abstract visions of what will lead you to a soul mate, but practical and important characteristics of the type of person with whom you can imagine building a life.
This kind of certainty about another person, based on their actions, has to be trusted much more than the momentary feeling that they are “connected to the soul.” Focusing on what you want in a person, and judging them by their behavior, will lead to better decisions about relationships. On the other hand, focusing on finding a soul mate will lead you to an endless hunt for unicorns.
